How everything fit in; story of how everything came to be (day 5)

(warning, the style of writing is those quick writes, i write what i come to mind, unless i word things wrong, i don't back space, so you may see me repeat a few things here and there, it just shows how legit this is, coming fresh out of my brain without modification.) #respect

I feel like I will be far more active now in compare to before because of the break up. Does it make me sound like someone who doesn’t have a life? I hope not. Haha, its just I used to use up so much of my time in the relationship that time went by so fast, now that that part of my life is over, a lot of slots just emptied out. And I really am not used to it, maybe that is why I have such an urge to get back with my ex, because I want to quickly refill that hole that was once covered. Like body want to stay hemostasis, my mentality likes the fact that it is packed with things to do and heart capacity is used to having a company inside there. And now its empty, its craving for someone new or something to fill it up. Lucky for my ex, he have so much things he needs to do that I don’t think he will be needing to worry about filling that space up.

I hate the way he thinks, the way he believes that it is okay to just leave the relationship just because he doesn’t have the time for me. I know sometimes (which is most of the time haha) I am hard to talk to, especially listening to other people’s opinion. To me, my personality is either my way or no way, and usually people around me are all really lenient when it comes to decision making, and most of the time I help them make the decisions because they either respect me for the advice or they really just don’t care and would go with anything. I love and hate that about everyone around me, because one, I get to take in control about practically everything we do, and at the same time it could sound like other people’s idea, so I am not dictating and people don’t realize that, and I get what I want in the process. However on the other hand, it makes people really dependent on my decision making that sometimes it just frustrates me, because when I am stressed or really truly tired from school, or from just all the decision making, I still have to end up making the decisions.

Speaking of which, it reminded me that there is a student government retreat coming up in January. What you guys don’t know is my ex and I share the same cabinet when in comes to student government. So unlike other relationships, where I don’t have to see them if it doesn’t work out, this one I actually have to see until the end of Spring, well unless we both decide to run again and win by some lucky chance, which I kinda doubt.

It’s been a while since I was gone I might ask well inform everything all at once so I don’t have to keep going back every single post when it comes to something I need to talk about from the past. So simply, I knew my ex (the one who broke up with me a few days (2 btw) before Christmas (damn Grinch)) long before we actually officially knew each other. I guess we can call ourselves acquaintances  if anything. We were classmates a year back in Fall 2013, he sat right next to me ironically, and we did some how exchanged number in the middle of the semester when I asked him if he wanted to study one day because I kept slacking off and I thought studying would be nice with a classmate, and in addition, I was going to be absent, so I thought I could get notes and homework from him. Plus he sits next to me and stuff so it all makes sense. He would from time to time pick on me, slam my phone down the desk and tell me to get off of my phone because I would play my games (Hayday) or watch Netflix (I think at that time was desperate housewives, but I am not too sure, some drama…wait okay I am sure its desperate housewives…yeah…yeah that was what it was…ahhh I never get to finish it though…but I should). But then I would get frustrated, because one, I don’t even know him and he is slamming my phone to my desk? And two, he isn’t so much better himself since he was using his phone too. But that was pretty much all there was to that friendship, nothing more besides classmate.

We never talked again because I mean I texted him one time, about what our homework was, and yup, no respond, and I was like fine, move on to the next person. Honestly, I just said screw it. Little did I know that his screwed up phone never received my message (and that’s why you don’t have Samsung, because iPhone rules the world, sorry Samsung and Asian world). Anyways, it wasn’t until a semester later in Spring that we met up again. Well I mean I am pretty sure I met him else where and we probably passed by once or twice, maybe exchanged eye contact or something but nothing else. But anyways, I decided to run for student government because I was in publicity committee for student government that semester, and it turned out fun, I enjoyed what I was doing and I thought to myself, hey I can do this for longer term and actually get the credit for doing it? Sign me up! And a little before that I officially befriended with two friends that changed my future forever. Those two friends I met aided me and decided to join me and run for office (of course for different positions, or else we wouldn’t have been friends, haha just kidding), and soon we decided to run together as a slate (or so they call the group that runs together these days). As we soon finalized the decision, we starting grabbing people who were interested in running, of course trust worthy people. Along the road there were people who was unqualified for the positions and of course had to drop, but then for those who stayed for the ride, we became closer. And surpsingly enough, the guy who I met a semester back that never texted me back? He was invited in our slate by one of my closest friend. And from there sparked happened. I mean it wasn’t much of a spark that happened because the funny thing is the close friend I was talking about is actually gay, and he and I had the same tiny crush on the third guy we were both friends with, the three musketeers who first started the slate, I guess we can call ourselves the founding father and mother of the slate. The third guy (I guess that will be his name for now) was attractive, well, a pretty boy. And of course when you see a pretty boy, you would go all awh over him, and that’s what we did. Ironically enough, none of us got him, (of course) but oppositely I got closer with the guy I met from a semester ago that was in my class. Yes, within a few month he was my ex (well not my ex ex, what I meant was he became my boyfriend, or the guy who is now my ex. Get it? Sorry for the confusion).

The way we got together wasn’t really that that romantic, I mean we started out giving longer and longer goodbye hugs, and of course, my heart would race faster and faster each time we hug longer, and soon it became a thing to hug longer. And I didn’t want anyone in my slate to find out, and I don’t think he did either (or probably under my influence he didn’t want anyone to find out) but I would stay extra long, extra late on purpose even though I am super tired just to be the last one out the house when we work together, or the last one to leave (since when we work we usually work at his house since my ex’s house is the closest with a 5 min drive in compare to everyone else’s house). But trying to get closer to him was hard because I don’t think he ever noticed or tried to get my signals early.

There were times where I drove him home, and I would wish for a kiss, lean my face super close to his, sometimes close to his lips, nothing. It look about half of a month after I met him that we begun those hugs, and it took a whole month or two from the time we officially became a little closer that we kissed. It was awkward at times because I don’t know when to let go, in the beginning I remember those nights where we would hug for hours. I loved the feeling of him holding me in my arms, it felt extremely nice to have someone to hold me in their arms and didn’t want to let go. And it was even nicer to want to hold someone and never want to let them go. Sometimes I would wish the time would freeze right there and then and just never continue, because I’d rather die in that moment than another other time. I was happy. Only if the then me can see what happened now and prevent it all from happening.

I remember feeling started when he skipped a class for me to try to help me start my retarded car that wouldn’t start all due to stupid connection problem that even his engineering friends couldn’t help with. We were literally there for two, three hours, calling campus police, going to our college’s autoshop class, bringing his friend with his jump cord and nothing worked that we had to call my mom and with a hit of the wrench it worked. I remember showing him my vulnerable side that day, he’s probably the only one who ever saw that side of me then, and I was thankful he was the first one, because he’s the only one that I want to let, to see that vulnerable side of me anyways. I really felt so bad that day, him having to skip his class for me and he barely knew me (and at that time I think my phone died or something, or it didn’t get signals, and his phone was dying too making reaching my mom way harder). Ever since then we got closer. I guess if it wasn’t for the car, for my stupid car, we wouldn’t have gotten together. It’s crazy I never thought about that until now.

I recall clearly that that day after my mom yelled at me a little more for being useless, I told her to go home first because I had to take him to his car which was at the other parking lot, mostly I just wanted to give him a giant giant hug from being there for me because I really wouldn’t know what to do then without him that day. Especially ditching his class for me? Seriously.

Then following that event, I think the next event was when we had to film our video, and I skipped my babysitting, got yelled by my sister, got in more trouble and was punished with two extra babysitting dates in exchange for leaving a few hours to film that stupid video, only to realize our film person weren’t able to make it. (Yup, that’s right, we never got to film that video) Which got me really mad, because I sacrificed for nothing and had to double that babysitting stuff. And I had to get back at 4 o’clock that day too (not event getting a whole day off), so before we parted after lunch I think we had? I don’t remember but he and I were by my car because I think he dropped me off there, and I hugged him and gave him a, then what I considered as “long-hug” hug ( I would say maybe 4 minute?), which really wasn’t that long in compare to all the hugs that followed it, but back then that was the longest hug I’ve had, and plus because I was already running late to return back to babysit I really couldn’t give him a hug any longer.

But from there on forward, the next time I remember giving him those long hugs were just days after we work on posters and banners together. We would get those orange and white banners from the office and with his markers, we spent hours after hours working. Oh wait, no…we were working on our personal statements that is required to petition for campaigning, yeah that’s it. So we would work from afternoon to past night time at his house. From sitting on the couch properly, to lying on the floor crying over not knowing what to write and whether the quote that we put into our statement was good enough because one person had to start the stupid quote thing. I mean yeah we look all professional dequoating the quote and relating it to our position and why we’re running but looking back it is just funny how we struggled over them more than our personal statements. Well, or at least I did.

Anyways, I really wanted to leave at one point because staying up late and having to drive 30 minutes home really just wasn’t my forte. It never was and to be honestly honest, I have never done it (the driving after 12am part….well besides when I used to work at teaspot until 12am, but that’s different) and to do that all just for long hugs from him is just about the craziest thing I have ever done then. I said bye to everyone, and as they all drove away one by one, leaving just me and him, he walked me to my car, which really was only 0.1 block away from his house. Then from there we would hug for 3, 4 hours, and the craziest thing is I wouldn’t feel cold, I wouldn’t be tired even though back in the house, while lying down I was tired as heck. And I remember asking him if he was tired while hugging me, and he said that surprisingly he wasn’t either. Its funny how things turned out. We didn’t say much, in fact, we didn’t say anything at all, we just stood there, by my car, and hugged. I loved it, every single second of it. The hug made me warm, I guess mostly was because it was a new love, it was exciting, it got my heart beating. It made me feel something I haven’t felt for a long time, while driving home, I questioned myself if it was wrong, that whether or not it was just a fling that would end. Maybe it was just because I wanted a relationship badly that I felt that way then. I told myself it’s just a phase and it would fade away, and I shouldn’t be putting much expectation in it. (After that day, I think we had a couple more times at his house, where we would hug long time just being there…I think…) I would always want to progress things by trying to lean towards his face, but he is so slow that he never sees it or he tries to avoid me. Sometimes I would drive home questioning whether or not he likes me, I really don’t understand boys. I would have those dialogue with myself, being like, “does he really like me?” “is this really just a fling?” “what is he doing? Is he stupid?” “is he trying to avoid my face?” “am I not making it obvious enough?” “does he not want to kiss me?” “what if he doesn’t like me?” “if he doesn’t like me, then why will he give me those 4 hour hugs? You’re over thinking…” sometimes I would just tell myself to stop making logic, and that the time will come when it comes.

There were a time where I drove him back to his house because I don’t know where we went or why he needed a ride, but anyways, while driving back, because my headlight was off I got pulled over by the police, and I don’t think that was the first time I got pulled over either ( I think it was the second or third that month, its just really not my month that month, I mean its not like I got tickets or anything, but just having a cop going after you scares the crap out of you okay?) but afterwards (thank god she didn’t take a record and only gave me a warning because I didn’t have my registration), but we just stayed there, I was scared to my death, my body was shaking for the terrifiediness of being pulled over so many times, and how close I was to paying for a ticket for not having my headlights on. And the thing was, we got pulled over right when we were about to approach his house, where I am dropping him off (literally like 0.3 blocks away) but we both stayed in the car, I leaned all the way onto the passenger side of the car, I never admitted it to him that I recall that night or recall what I was doing, but I really was approaching for a kiss. I remember leaning super close and falling asleep near him, wanting him to have some kind of response, yeah kinda lame I know, but I mean we were already doing long term hugging, why doesn’t he get the signal that I wanted a kiss? (he later admitted that he was slow ha-ha, well I am slow when it comes to love too so its really okay, especially since it was kinda his first time)

But there were another time, I am not sure if it’s the same time where he asked me if I want to rest a bit in his house or a different time, but some type of time some day, idk when or why, I know I was tired or something and he asked me if I wanted to rest in his house. Oh wait wait…I think it was the day we were making the banners. He and I was the last one remaining in his house, so we sat there on the couch, I was using him as a pillow ish, and we just sat there after things were all cleaned up, and I think I complained about being tired? And I think he offered his room (yes for me to rest, don’t get the wrong idea from someone who can’t even pick up a when to kiss signal) for me to rest, and I agreed and asked him to give me a piggy back ride to his room. And I wrapped my arm around him from the back by the neck for a good period of time, and we just sat there because he takes forever to move, well not to blame him, but I think we were just both enjoying being alone at that time, by then, I know for sure that we both had feeling for each other, because of the way we acted. That was probably the climax of he climax when it came to the chase. We both had our hearts racing for each other and with the silence of the room, we just hugged. He eventually carried me to his room (he sucked at piggy back rides, and still does, because he can’t hold people by their legs, I don’t understand why) but I recall there were a lot of laundries being hung, and with his room behind the laundry room, having me crashing into hangers a lot was just unpreventable. I was totally fine though. I thought then was the time where we were gonna kiss, but then we were even further apart that we were when we were on the couch. And discovering the fact that he had a boner from all of that and was trying to cover it with his pillow was the cutest thing ever (because I think I discovered it since we were at the living room). We just lay there as I rested, of course, we didn’t do anything but resting since the stupid guy doesn’t get the signal to kiss at all I don’t think there was a point to explain my face leaning close to his. It’s like pure rejection but knowing that it wasn’t really an purposeful rejection.

Then it’s the banner time (I think…sorry I have to keep going back and forth, its been half of a year since all that, well more than half of a year so its really hard to keep track of what is going on and stuff), which is quite similar to the time where we typed our personal statement. The only difference is the last few people who stayed was Leo, Irving me and him. And when finally everyone left, my car was parked on his driveway. We hugged then and there, and I guess he finally got the signals then or something I mean he kissed me. To be honestly, before our lip touched, I was resistant a bit, not because I don’t want to kiss him, because unless you haven’t read any of the paragraphs up there, not wanting to kiss is the last thing there is. It’s just I wasn’t sure if I was truly ready to move on, if I was ready for everything. If I was ready to start something with him, because before, all those hugs, yeah it meant something, but isn’t as much in compare to kissing. Because kissing its like knowing something more serious is going to happen, and usually it leads to a relationship, and I wasn’t sure if I was ready for it. But of course I went for it anyways since you guys all know the ending to the story.  According to him, he was confused and a lot of things were going on in his head too. He doesn’t know what he was doing. And according to his “ex” that he was with for what? A week? They broke up because he wasn’t a good kisser or according to him it was part of the reason or something like that. And I could see why, I mean he was practically trying to eat my lips or bite it off. And I didn’t want to ruin it, but after a while I had to tell him, things got better from there, and did I mention it escalated quickly? I mean okay, its not that quickly, but quickly enough. I mean we were there probably kissing for an whole hour or something, because I remember my mouth muscles being extremely sore from kissing that passionately, but I didn’t want to stop it since I waited for so long. My hands ran and explored, of course he followed my lead, which was a little funny because I don’t think he knew what he was doing.

But somewhere along the night my hands got into his pants. I mean at first he was struggling a little, I guess it as his first time, and it all happened to quick (well I mean a hour of kissing leading to that? Yeah it isn’t too quick, but for first time I guess it may have moved too fast). I really don’t remember much else besides that, but I swear that was the furthest we went, well for that day anyways.

Wow, I just typed 5 page font 11, single spaced about my ex and how we came to be. This is crazy how much I can write and I don’t even feel tired. Haha, I should probably print a copy and give it to him to let him read it so he knows my perspective too, and add his own perspective in there. He better not grammar check if I do, I swear.

But that was how everything started I guess. At one point, we talked about it in the car, later on as a month passed from then. I told him that if we didn’t win the election, I would probably not see him again, or anyone for that matter. And he gave me a positive pep talk about how if I want to stay in contact with people all I have to do is to make effort to do so, and the rest will be easy. But with my past experiences with friends, it is impossible to stay in contact with the people you wish you could’ve the most. Then I think a part of me have decided that I didn’t want this if I didn’t win the election, because back then, we didn’t have a title to ourselves, not boyfriend or girlfriends, nothing. We were just simple friends who campaign together and went on to second or third base depending on each person’s definition.

Yes, in the end we did win, the whole slate did, (thank god), or else I might’ve had to quit college, just kidding but still. I was happy, I got to stick with my gang and I get to stay with him as well. And so of course it continued as spring semester ended and summer hit. However, we were so disclosed about our relationship that no one knows about it. But sometimes I would question it myself, since I don’t even know myself what kind of relationship this is. He never asked me to be his girlfriend, we never declared to be in an actual relationship, and furthermore, he never asked me out onto a date. Which is the craziest thing, because we were just awkwardly never titled and with each other. At one point, I really didn’t know if he viewed it as a friends for benefit thing or a muti-one night stand with the same girl type of thing. It really did confused me for the longest time, and that’s something I never had the guts to ask him. I mean what are you even, or how are you even supposed to ask? How are you even supposed to start the question in the first place? It’s like you cant.

I just waited and waited, hoping that one day he would get the hint that we didn’t have title and ask me or talk to me about it.

And I think it wasn’t until finally in the end of the summer where he brought it up.

Of course that is a story for another time, probably tomorrow since my arm, hands and fingers really hurts from all that typing and my nephew wants to watch the hobbit tomorrow too. So its like what what what?

Until tomorrow!                        

TBC…..

Post Break Up; day 5

Is it normal to feel the way I feel right now after a break up? Is everything I do going to make me think of him? How do you forget one person to start with? It's been a while since I broke up with a love one so its a bit hard. And looking back at all my relationships, the only one I actually broke up from was the recent one. My first boyfriend, we weren't even that close emotional wise, I barely got to know him, and without giving him a chance I just left him. I pretended that everything was okay, and that there was no future between us because he said he was going to join the Navy. I could never see past his flaws, and tend to look down on him all the time. I hated that about myself, but my parents played a huge part in my high school life when it comes to influencing, and my siblings are just not helping when it comes to that part either.

I knew the mistakes I made, that I shouldn't be judging him by that, but I couldn't stop myself. It is really stupid thinking about that now, but I really don't know what else to think about. None of my relationships were ever successful, and I think majority is my fault, and that's something I haven't come in terms with. I always think I am on top of things and that I am the priority when its actually not true. I hate myself and my thought process that tend to drive others to the corner, and I guess that is why I don't have friends because people cannot take my attitude.

It is extremely hard for one to change their behavior not to mention admit it or discover it.

Back to my first, he begged me to stay in the relationship with me, but all I ever do is reject him and hurt him. I don't understand why after all that he still keeps coming back to me. He really does love me at one point, yet I let someone who loved me perfectly well go. In return, I chose someone who hated me, who never liked anyone. If anything, he is quite opposite of me, I guess when you break up with someone, and you try to find rebound, you tend to find someone who is opposite of who your ex used to be. And for me that case was my second boyfriend, which was just a like that soon turned into a two year relationship.

I feel like I have tendency to want to hurt myself, to want to give up what is best for me, and what I want. I don't understand my thinking process and I am stubborn sometimes that it prevents me from seeing what I should've done, and the things I should've change in order to sustain the goods I want to stay in my life. Something I need to work on since the beginning of time that I yet to realize until now. And the chances are, even after today, after typing these and realize this, I will forget about it, or have it on the back of my head that cause me to reenact the whole thing again. It's like, stupid me, never learn from my mistakes. Maybe I do deserve whatever is coming to me, including this break up.

The truth is, this relationship, even though only sustained 5 month, is the one I obtained the most love, and give the most love to. I accept him (present) for the way he is, I see his flaws, and I take them in. I don't look down on him or judge him. It may sound like something everyone should be doing, but not for me. I judge people a lot, and for me to pass that, that is something impressive. I couldn't believe it when I first realized it either, and it shocked me. Of course, the shock didn't last that long, or else I would've had a massive shock attack of some sort.

At this point, I don't even know what I am typing. I don't understand why it helps me think so much clearer once I type it or write it rather than just think about it. Things gets cleared up, and I actually make logic happen instead of just going off of nothing and keep getting butt hurt from everything else.

Sigh, I might as well just get with my blog, at least its like a wall, doesn't need a response, and won't react to my bad attitude. ha.

sigh.

The Break Up before Christmas

There is a lot of things I honestly don't think I'd ever understand about relationships, but one of the biggest thing is, if two love each other, why wouldthey let each other go like that? Present, who I thought would last longer, who I thought was able to work out with me obviously didn't. Maybe it's because of my attitude (it is, probably 70% because of that), and just the fact that I am extremely unreasonable.
He claims that during the relationship, he lost himself, he lost his priority, and he lost everything he ever cared for before the relationship. And it's true, because of the relationship with me, he dropped math twice, and with the D he got in Fall 2013 (while taking the same math class as me), it marks the 3 strike rule and made him unable to take the same math class at the same college. And that caused him to have to take it at a different college, only to have him drop it again later on that semester, because he couldn't spare time for the class, espeically with the fact that it's in the early morning just doesn't help (since our hangout usually ends late).
After talking to my favorite couple of the century, let's just call them Candice and Kaito. It made me felt how unresovled me and my Present's problem were, how we couldve done it better than just break it there. They have their own struggles, from finaicial struggle to other things like school and etc. Making it extremely hard for them to have time for each other, but they still end up having time for each other. As crazy as it sounds, they been together for what? Nearly two years or something like that, yet we can't even get through 5 month without a talk of breakup. It's really interesting after talking to them, because they have actually struggled through more in the relationship, but they tolerated and try to find a way to see each other even through there is a lot of struggle. Candice, with financial struggle, works three jobs not including student governemnt just to try to help pay bills around the house, making it nearly impossible to hangout with Kaito, her boyfriend. The only time they ever hangout is probably late at night when he picks her up from either work or school, which is the sweetest thing since they live so far away from the college, and he is willing to drive all the way to pick her up. I admire them, but I can't compare our relationship with theirs because they were really close friends before getting together, so I mean when you're already mentally close with them, communication is the least of your issues, so is working through your problems.
What bothered me a lot is when I think about Present's fear of being unable to handle things. It led him to believing that he is unable to be in relationship and work at the same time. Yeah, he is an engineer major, and have a strong desire to work on projects, which he haven't done for a while because of all the other things, he have an internship which he can't focus on fully (well okay i never really forced him to ditch it, he insist on staying the second time, and the first time he left early, and it ended up not really for me anyways), and with student government (which he screws up a lot in because maybe I kept him up late at night and take up a lot ofhis time and stuff), plus family (which he is never there for because he rather hangout with his friends, me, or go to school events than stay at home. At a point in his life, which was recently, he actually wants to find a job just to move out and try living his own life. Yeah, I understand he want to try to gain independence, do what he wants, and not be controlled by his family, but what he doesn't understand, well to me anyways is how he should treasure the time he is able to actually be in that house. I mean there are lots of time where he can go independent after he transfers, not now, because that'd just be stupid, especially when he lives 5 minute away from the school. I mean he might as well use all that energy and effor for school than to have the desire to find a job and move out. I mean its not like his parents harrase him or anything anyways.) But pretty much, from all the concerns there is up there, many he leads it back to the relationshtip, and he never talks with me about it. It isn't one's job to try to figure out the problem, but two's job to try to communicate and solve it together, and he isn't doing exactly that, which fustrates me. He rather run away from the relationship, thinking that he would half ass the relationship, and believing that he won't end up being true to himself by sticking with the relationship than try to work it out. I mean if we still loved each other, which obviously was true, then I don't see why there is a break up that is needed. I rememeber from that night, I kept wanting to not let him go, but only result in him pushing me away, and all he says are either "no, no matter what you say, my mind is already set", "you can't hold on to me forever", "this is just gonna make it harder on you", "if you truly love someone, let them go"..etc (there were more, but then I think these were used way more than the rest that were said.
First of all, I never really understood the "if you love someone, let them go" part. If i love someone, I find ways to try to make it work, and if it truly doesn't work, then yeah I will be understanding to the situation, but he haven't even tried and he already move on to the let it go part. And there is a second part to it, "if they come back, then they're for you to keep...blah blah blah" but I feel like under Present's definition, once Iet him go, he is going to never come back. He is the type of person that is stubborn on the things he say, and I am stubborn too, so I guess i kinda understand how it works. Too much self pride to be giving it up.
I recall that day of the break up, he keeps saying that I devalue myself by keep begging him to stay. He told me that I should have more self-respect than that, and I shouldn't be so selfish to the point where I can't even  let him go, because, and I quote "he doesn't even want a relationship, he isn't ready for it, and it is because of the relationship that made him lose a sight of who he is, and what he believes in. Because of this relationship, he lost track of his priority."
When I heard it, I knew it was true for some of them, and I kind of understood how he felt, it made me want to be there for him, want to help him through the rough time. I want to be by his side even though he doesn't belive it will work out for the best. I am willing to give up time with him, I just simply want to be by his side like how he have been by mine through my rough time. But no mattered what I felt, I felt its too late for them, because he have his mind set on it, and to him, there is no other solution around it than to break it.
Part of me tells me that I should leave him alone, and give him time, but another part of me just wish that he gives us one more chance, and not a one day chance like he did then, but a chance through a time period where he can decide for himself whether or not its working. It hurts so much, being broken up with two days before christmas, it hurts so much to see peopel toast to their love ones, blessing the new upcoming year, and you have no love one to think of to toast to. It hurts to rememeber inside jokes and want to share with someone only to realize they are not avaliable for you to share it with.
Some part of me tells me that everything is going to be okay, that eventually it will turn out for the best, and that I should stop worrying, but another part of me just wishes that everything isn't like this, and that he wouldn't have broken up with me that fast, and that if I hadn't ask him to come over that night things wouldn't have turned out like that.
I don't know anymore, I don't know how i am suppose to feel at this point. Coming over to my sister's house, and in the room was the doll he gave to me when he first asked me to be his girlfriend just makes everything worst. I mean in a sense there was closure looking at it, but there's spots where it pains to think about it. It's funny how stupidly happy we were back then, how innocent we were then, if back then we were to see what is going to happen 5 month from now, I wonder if we'd make the same move, the same choices to get where we are today. Or would we choose to stop it there, and make it painless.
If we were to get together a year earlier when in math class, would things have turned out differently? If he was to actually get my text, and I was able to agree to hangout with him, and things have turned out for the best, would we have still broken up 5 month later? There were so many different point of my life where I wondered so much about that, wondered what I could've done differently, and what happens if none of these ever happened.
What if I went to cal state LA instead of where I went today? Meet different types of people, and wouldn't have any of these experiences I had experienced. There's just so much things going through my head that it hurts to look back into it.
I wonder what he is thinking about right now, and what he have been thinking these past few days, and how he dealt with the break up. Probably better than me.
Probably...
Its been a while since a wrote, but then there has been so much going on, writing is just not on top of my list.

Cultural Difference

We been through a long time together. Been through the happy times and the sad times. It is crazy how fast time past, and yet we change even though we are still in the same place. There are a lot of things I still dont understand. Including life.

I am in a official relationship with the guy I am happy to call him my present. He is someone I am willing to accept, someone who I would spend my money for if I have to, and someone who I don't ask much from knowing he is kinda broke.

There are things which I hate about him, he is a lot of a guy, which is something I am not used to. All the people I dated, although are guys, tends to act more feminine, so when my Present came into my life, it was really weird because of how different he was from my ex. Although sometimes I would compare him to my two past, and sometime gets sad about it because I just can't see him taking care of me the way the other two in my past would. My present can't even care for himself, which worries me. He chooses to party before everything else at times. He doesn't always make the wisest choice, and he likes to have fun more than thinking about the consequencce.

The most I worry about is that he is of another race. And not just any other race either, he is mexican. I mean don't get me wrong, my best friends are Mexican, and I love them, but its just having to survive with them, and maybe last a life time, the difference in culture and food worries me. Because I know he is not going to marry into an Asian household, and similarly I wouldn't want to be married into a Mexican household. He is catholic, although thank god he is not one of those super religious people, meanwhile I don't even know if I practice a religion.

Culture difference is already enough to worry about, if I end up ,marrying this guy, I also have to worry about religious difference? I mean obviously he would respect me and not force me to go into Catholic, but its just the fact that there are still certain ritual that makes me worry.

One thing many doesn't know, including my present is that I hate Mexican food or I mean just dislike. One thing I cannot take is beans, their cooked texture is just so weird. So when my best friends and boyfriend are Mexican, and wants to bring me to get mexican food. I am just like wtf am I suppose to order when I don't even know what they have. And then I see them ordering fluently it scares the crap out of me. I hate ordering in front of certain people, which mostly entails any of my boyfriends.

Thinking about all this worries me, it makes me think about life. Every time when I feel insecure because he hangs out with his best friend, which is a girl who I don't know, it makes me worry. I know he is not the cheating type, but with the fact that he is closer to her than me, and would sit next to her and talk to her while we're in the same office instead of me, it would hurt a lot.I hate having these kind of feelings but they just happen.

But that's another story for another time.
Time to study for finals, good luck everyone who's reading this on your finals! #collegelife

The rise of the sun pt.1

After being in relationship for two month, I was not happy. My current doesn't know how to be a boyfriend. And there have been past conflicts going on, however none of them were resolved after the conflict. It was finally today that all the conflict have resolved. I would add more but considering I been having lack of sleep and right now its 6 am with only 2 hours left before work....so I will talk to you all later.

Haunting of the Past

I hate how the human minds work, I hate the constant comparison I have among my ex and my present. I hate how my present doesn’t know how to treat girlfriends correctly, and I hate how me ex used to know how, even though he still doesn’t treat me right. Sometimes when I close my eyes I could see him telling me that no one will ever be able to do the things he does for me, and sometimes I see them and finally understand what he meant. When he said it in the past, I would always laugh, because when I compare him to my first, he was nothing, considering my first loved me to a point where he’d do anything for me. I hate to compare because I feel like I’ll almost always miss my exes over my current. The pros and cons always tend to shift and mix and it bothers me a lot.

My ex knows when I am different from before, he knows when I get mad (maybe not sometimes). He buys me things out of the ordinary, he would spend more than he has, and whenever I am sick, he would drive over to my house and take care of me, or at least try to. However, his temper really kills the famine side of him. He is stubborn, and loves to argue with me about the stupidest thing. He have the worst temper that often leads to him saying break up and me crying on the other side of the phone. It’s literally either we laugh or we fight, nothing else. He doesn’t like to tell him friends about me, he doesn’t like his friends hanging with me. And he wouldn’t introduce me to any of his friends, which angers me because he knows all of mine. There’s a lot of problem with him that really lead our relationship to an dead end. I mean, when you see someone can start a fight over the fact that on a day with no school, he can’t drive to Pasadena to deliver food, and then from that fight, breaks up with someone, you know its serious, and something is definitely wrong with the relationship.  What is worst is no matter how many time he apologizes, they all sound so fake, sound like if those were the ones that wanted to shut me up.

Meanwhile my present, he is patient, and careful. He doesn’t dare cross me. I finally get a voice in the relationship that won’t start an argument every time when we disagree on something. And things are finally not turned to my side as if they were my fault. Regardless of why I am mad, he would apologize. I know that makes his apologies sounds so valueless . My present doesn't have much feel for responsibility , and he sucks at meeting his end of the bargain at a lot of times. He doesn't know how to take care of me when I am sick, he doesn’t buy me cough drops when I cough, he doesn't do a lot of things that my ex would do for me.  He is one of those stereotypical guys you often see, messy, doesn’t know how to clean, spoiled at home only child, and just lots more. He would often get me the cheapest food as he orders himself the best, which sometimes pisses me off because my ex would always think of me when he gets the food, and usually order the highest of price because I like seafood.

To think about this, just how much does my present know me, and just how much more does he want to know and try to care for me? Because as of now, I don’t feel much going on, and it is really leading me to think of things other wise. It’s making me think of leaving him, thinking of my potential husband, its someone I wish that can take care of me, not someone that cannot take care of me and have to have me take care of them constantly. It gets tiring. It really does. What do I do? 

First of Everything

This had always been somewhere in my head, but then it just never came to me this strong until now. My just recently became ex versus my just recently became my current really did get me thinking. Let's just call my recently became ex Jake and recently became current Liam for clarification purposes. 

Jake had been the boyfriend I dated the longest, and because by first never really rose any expectation besides the fact that he’d do nearly anything for me. And thus, making me compare to him often when Jake does selfish things or be as stubborn as he is. Meanwhile Liam, although never been in a relationship, had always been a nice guy in a sense. Liam doesn’t know how to treat girls, especially girlfriends. He also doesn’t have the boundaries one should have especially when it comes to commitments and such.

Liam, have made countless mistakes during the past few months that it stresses me. Causes me to question whether or not it was a good idea to start it with him in the first place. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like him a lot, but just seeing how he can’t really treat girls right, and when I mean girls I meant me just pisses me off.

Then I look at my most current crush whom I give up on. Let’s call him Ed for now. It wasn’t his look that got me into Ed in the first place, because when I first met him, I didn’t have these feelings I had recently. It was the prolonged time spending together that got me liking him more and more. And of course, slowly, falling for him and his personality. It’s funny, because I think he is the first person I fell for the personality first, he is also one of the longest crush I have had that showed some sort of interest in me and was willing to pay for everything during our first “hangout”.

To talk about this, we have to rewind back to the date we had, or the “hangout”, or so we call it that. It felt a bit like a date because he paid for the tickets and offered to buy me food in the theater. Even after I refuse, he purchases a giant water bottle for me, which probably costed around $3 dollars because the total came out to be $17 or so dollars when the only thing he bought were a plastic square bag of M&Ms that market value probably costed $2-$2.50 max, a box of sour patch you’d see in the 99 cent store, and two large water bottle, those good quality ones too, that is probably marketed $2 dollars but all charged probably double or triple the price. During the movie,  I got to admit there were many awkward moments, and by the ending, there were millisecond moments where we could’ve probably kissed, but I held back because I never really been on a date date like that before. Not to sound stupid, but I didn’t know what to do, especially in situations like that. The night ended with a goodbye, when we arrived at my house, I got out only to see his disappointed face when I opened the door, “oh we’re not staying in the car? That’s fine” but of course who knew if he was serious about that or not.

But when I saw him taking off, in my stomach, something just doesn’t sit right. In my head, I knew this was it, and if anything were to happen it had to be today because I would probably not hangout with him ever again after this due to the fact that school is starting on one hand, and he works on most days that I am free. And with his raincheck rate, it usually takes forever to schedule a hangout with him in the first place.

So after countless moments of thinking, I decided to dial his number, and closed my eyes, hoping I don’t mess it up. When he picked up the phone, my heart raced to the top of my skull as I can feel the blood of nervousness just pumping through telling me all sort of thoughts and sanrio of how this all could’ve gone.

I told him from one of the classic out of the book for an underage ish type of people. Typical reason, “I left my keys in my house, and my parents aren’t home, I am locked out of my house”

His first response was “oh shit,” and second was, “let me get off of the nearest exit and go back.”

Without second question or doubt, and that’s the type of people I like. Gentlemen and just considerate. Especially with those kind of things, I mean a lot of douche bags would just be like, oh locked out? Sucks for you, too bad. But Ed actually comes back to you. And I am quite grateful for that. Which is why after the first date, it made me want to ask him to a second although knowing it’s a bit impossible.

Why is he driving me crazy. I hate love.