-damn-

Like I have to fit into his schedule. And having to have him fit into my schedule seem like the most difficult thing ever. When I have family stuff I'd rather get yelled at than to skip because I said I would do something and what? He bails anytime he wants because his parents want him to stay? Wow. What a hecking boyfriend! That back stabber, that one that scars my heart multiple times. Always put me on the hit list of enemy, like wow fuck. Geezus.
So why am I always getting placed last in this whole relationship issues?
He accuse me of being selfish once again, and this time I actually cried silently. No anger, no tears was shed, and all he have to say is, "even if you don't tell me I know that you're still mad because things don't go in your way" what the fuck? The first thing he think of wasn't "aw I know you're sad too," but much rather, yeah you selfish ass, I am the only non selfish ass over here.
Well gee Romeo. I didn't know that I was that bad of a villain. Like shit. I change to what you want and you treat me like crap. Well I hope you regret it for treating me like crap. I don't even know why I back down for you. Shit.

Gain and lose some.

It's like ying and yang. You gain some and then you loose some. It's the process of life. I know we cannot stop it, and I know it's all upon fairness. But when selfish thoughts kick in, things starts to happen.
For say, the amount of friends I make can equal to the amounts of friends he makes. I cannot really judge because I myself made many opposite sex friends but at the same time I get insecure easily. And with his new three close friends it just makes me a little self conscious and a little greedy or perhaps jealous.
I am the type of person that gets all up to someone's ass when they finally belong to me or if I am in control of something. It's just something that runs. Sigh. Life.

Tears and pain from within.

I don't know what is stronger, my will or my love for you. Tear has dried out on the outside, but it is running free on the inside. I realize long time ago that if I was going to date a girl, then I will need to pour all my efforts in. So if I walk away, it will not be in regret. There is a difference between calling you a princess than treating you like one. I try so very hard on meeting your every need, but more than often things came out differently than what we expected and if something went outside of your expectation. You will shower me with you tears and harsh words. I don't know what I more scary to me, breaking up with you or staying to get damaged. Sometime I wonder why I even try so hard when at the end of the day I am nothing more than a puppet to you. You don't need to argue or explain with what I said. I am not seeking for understand or sympathy. I just simply want to share my feeling with you, whether that matters to you or not

Colorless Worlds

      It's really been a while since I have written an blog huh? College life seems to be catching up to my social life, or maybe the other way around, and blogging is just another thing that's on the back of my head. A lot of things happened throughout all these times; even though I didn't post a blog, it doesn't mean my life goes happily ever after. Sadly, it may be the other way around.
      I dont know where the bad day should start, or even how. Maybe we should start from before Knotts'. Knotts was suppose to be a trip that we all planned to go, and sadly, with everyone's complication, it just made it hard. It first started out with Friend A's break up with her "boyfriend" which leaves her boyfriend unable to go. Then after, Friend B had an super early curfew of 6, which thus leaving the fun out of the amusement park, since come on, who wants to leave that early if they were to pay $40 something to go to a place. Friend C then bailed out because she appearntly decided to make plans after everything's planned out. And ultimately Friend D calls in sick at the day of the trip. Ultimately leaving me having to cancel all of the activities that day.
      Prior to that day, my college buddies and I hung around this girls' house till 2 playing monopoly deal. Haha we are such geeks. BBQ at her house celebrating Cesar Chaves' day even though we don't even know who that person is. Suprisingly, my mom was still awake at 2 am and caught me home late, and was mad as ever, I mean what can an Asian family's daughter be doing at 2 am with her college friends? Answers normally can be simple and just be reponded with few words, but how are you suppose to say, mom we play monopoly deals the whole night till we are tired of it and went home. Like who in the world is going to buy that?
      By now, you may be bored or tired of this article already, yet kind of felt obligated to read the rest since you have came so far. Well, I am telling you, its not worth your time...so with that in mind, if you have something better to do at this time, feel free to do so.
      Well as I move on back to the point of my story, I was willing to risk my groundingness to hang with my friends at amusement park than to make excuses and cancel, which appearnatly none of my other friends can do. Jenny then was a bit upset, so we planned a hangout at the mall a little after the morning cancellation, but little do I know our wifi router broke down, leaving me connectionless since everything from home phone to computer is "internet-needed". I dont have a cell phone, parents are not home, how in the world am i suppose to contact anyone like that? Appearantly right after Jenny and I planned, Danny and I got in a fight because I inserted Jenny's hangout as a priority, which was then cancelled, and thus pissing me off more. Leaving me with nothingness, I ended up going home after staying in my car for three hour, roaming in my seat aimlessly.
      I began to view the world differently. I begun to see it a little gray, a little black and white. What happened to all the colors, I would ask myself. What happened to all those times where I held my beliefs.

Gone.
Gone.
All gone.

Maybe that's what long term trust gets you,
fucking no where.

The apology before storm

"Sweetie I am berry berry sorry for not texting you to tell you that I am berry berry much "

"Here I am sitting in the car rewriting a apology, feeling like just got yelled by my English teacher. I am berry berry sorry for no texting you. Next time I will text you if you can't wake up in the morning. I am also sorry for being a bad alarm clock, I'll do better next time. I love you, MUAH MUAH "

There's always the calm, the calm before the storm. The calm before anything would arrive. It's the calmness that causes the hecticness to appear in unnecessary places. It's the calm before the storm.

Writings that touched my heart.

This is the thing present current send to me after our terrible conflict over the phone. When I began to write depressing and confusing stuff in my journal. This was the writings that touched my heart ever so deeply.

"Hey sweetie. I know the last couple day hasn't been the brightest day in your life and I am truly sorry that as your boyfriend I had do much about it. Holiday disaster is probably the worst disaster of all and I hate to see that things became the way it is for you. Lonely and feel unwanted at home, I went through these feeling as well and I know how tough it must been for you. I wish I got something nice and amazing to say to comfort you but your terrible boyfriend aren't got any. So I am going to tell you that what I told myself all time when things gets rough, "my sweet baby don't you worry, things will get better!" We must let go of these awful things in life and look forward for a brighter tomorrow. I know these words are easier to be said than be done, but honey I have faith in you that you will go through it. Only through rough edge could a brilliant diamond be created. You, my love are the strongest person I have ever met in my life, and baby you are my shining diamond that came through rough. I am on way to school, I'll call you later. Stay strong my battle buddy! MUAH MUAH I love you :)"

:,)

dating ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

       I really don't know if I should be happy or sad. I mean to be honest. Today had its balance, but also confusion, argument, anger, depression, jealousy and many other more things. To be honest, today was the true balancing day of my life. I hit the low and I hit the high.
       Today started off okay with parents gone and everything, then follow by lunch with brother and brother in law's family. Thing seems all great until going to the autoshop. Parents refuse to pay $101 dollar to fix my bottom plastic bumper thingy that kinda half came off because I hit a dip too hard. I grew attitude, though it's embarrasing probably to them, but they still ignored it. Adrian, a latino who came from Mexico two years or so ago was chatting with me before I got depress and we kinda made a friendship bond. And with that, he helped taped my front thingy with my tape that I brought. So here I am giving Adrian a SPECIAL SHOUT OUT!! THANKS ADRIAN FOR MAKING MY MORNING AND AFTERNOON!!
      On the way back, my mom begun to nag about my attitude towards things. How I am not grateful for the things I have, and how much worst my siblings had it, and how wasteful I am with money. I grew angrier and angrier. I told her, "How in the world am I the one who is wasteful? I practically spend money on anything, and I never ask you guys for anything. I don't ask you guys for cell phone, I don't ask you guys for eletronics, I dont ask you guys for toys or games. I don't even complain about what all my friends have that I dont have. Even what all my nieces and nephews have that I dont have. I don't see why you're being like this."
      And with that in mind, as we came home, I was already face covered with tears and anger. I waited for everyone to get out of the car and locked the door and grabbed the trashcan up while nagging at my mom's arguement. My dad on the other hand tried to be the peace maker by telling me, "That's not what your mom meant, she just meant since you're a new driver and doesnt know the basics we want you to learn and become stable in dirving first, and when you can drive the car safely I'll buy you and brand new car okay?" That actually soothed a lot of my anger away but I was still offended.
      That evening under request I went and crashed guy A and my best friend(B)'s date because I was really depress and didn't want to go home. I didn't want to go home to the place where no warmth existed, no care and no family.B agreed, and I got to say, that was the best decision she ever made. As we hung out, meet point started at B's house, then we met with the guys (A and his friend C) at fluff ice and went on from there. As we finally decided on a restruant, we went only to realize that they didn't go in to save seats for us.
      The main point came when by the end of the dinner, A paid for C's meal meanwhile he didnt even think about paying for his date's meal, which was B. B and I literally dropped our jaws in surprise, and just stared at him. Because B and I shared a meal, escencially it is cheaper than C's and yet he didn't think to treat her meal.
      B decided to head to a boba place or tea house after to hang out, and while driving there all complaining about how he'd rather treat a friend than a date. And sadly, I had to stand on her side for that. I told B, that she got to be straight forward and tell him how she feels so then he would change for him, because truthfully, that's the same or simliar issue happening between me and current, present. And truth is, I want them to realize a bit earlier so they would get use to it unlike me.
      At the end of the whole hangout, I was proud of A as he treated and paid for all of us including me! I was happy, haha but the most importantly, it widened B's eyes. She thought that he would've never changed, and what do you know? He changed! As we headed back to the parking lot, due to my forcement, they begun to hold hands...well, its a start, just hooking hands I guess counts too, since to them holding hands are too awkward. But then as he walks us to our car, I insisted a hug before A heads off, I told B forcefully, "If you two don't hug, I am not going home." So, they hugged, behind a pole to hide, but it was so cute!
     I myself got a little jealous, I mean all the courage these two had with each other, I would never have with anyone. I am so jealous of their kind of honest relationship, and jealous of the fact that A changed so much in a day for her. Sigh. Past, current, present, I am confused.

and now out of no where its pouring. sighs. oh raining 11:56pm

It was now I realized, I have techincally never really dated anyone before starting of an relationship, it just someone starts around the time of dating. Sighs.