Goodbye 2014, hello 2015

Happy new year, happy 2015. A lot of things happened, the good, the bad, and just plenty of drama. Honestly, the year barely started and there are already more drama than there was compare to last year. My present broken up with me once again because he says he wasn’t ready for the relationship. He says that he only cares for me but not love me the way I do and it is unfair to me. That it would be better off if I go find someone else rather than him, I will get treated better and I deserve better. I understand where he is coming at. I know there may be guys that will treat me better, that will probably love me better, and taken care of me better than him ever will, but honestly he is the only one I can see long term. He is patient to me, understanding, and accepts my terrible attitude problems when a lot of the others would turn away or ignore me. He calms me down and tries his best to be there for me, and it was because of me, that caused his past few semester to fail terribly. He had me on his priorities that he didn’t do much else besides seeing me, and that caused an effect that both me and him had to pay. For me, I will be seeing him less because he have to focus on prioritizing his things, and next semester he will be attending to another community college because he failed math three times here, or in this case, withdraw twices and “D”ed once. To be fair, I was only the cause of his two Ws, nothing to do with the “D”, however I was in his math class when he “D” the class. It is weird how I was presence in all of the math failures he had, but because of that he can’t take it at the current community college anymore (well that particular math class anyways).

There were multiple times where I thought about it and i regretted dragging him out and hanging out with him late every day, knowing that he have class the following day. Our relationship was never that healthy to begin with. We had sex nearly every day of the week in the summer, and were inseperateable. The funniest thing to that, well it really isn’t that funny, but I guess you can say the most confusing part of that relationship was we were not together yet. We actually barely started in the summer, and we did it nonstop. At that point, I was confused to what we were, whether he sees us as dating, sees us as a friend for benefit thing or the no string attach thing? Because I was confused down to the last tissue in my body. I didn’t understand what we were doing because all the things happened too fast.

It started when one day he took me out to the mountain to look at views when we were sight seeing because I was stressed. It was beautiful, but we didn’t stay there and view it for long, it was a long quiet period I can recall, but slowly we kissed and from there things escalated quickly. All those times where he’d drive up there into the middle of no where and we’d embrace each other was the nicest times although confusing.

The most embarrassing part to the story I guess was the fact that my ex boyfriend, the only one I had sex with before my present, was Asian, and the stereotypes were right about Asian men with small penises. Because he had a small penis, small and thin, like a stick, and even that hurted when we had sex, imagine how its going to be like with my present, who is not Asian.

I think this is the only time I am going to talk about my sex life, I hate to say this, but I don’t think my ex ever popped my cherry because his penis was too small. Because after the first time with my present, I was bleeding, and he and I never understood why I bled that day, but now putting that logic to it, I meant that would make so much sense.

The truth is, I never liked intercourse until I met him, I guess that day I forced myself to have it, it hurted a lot more than it did with my ex, obviously, but I took it in. And slowly (it still hurts the following few times), gradually, it stopped hurting as much, and now it doesn’t. I guess I am not an exception and there was nothing wrong with my vagina like my ex kept claiming, and I do like sex, I guess its just not something you can force onto someone or pressure someone to like.

He have tried to get me to like it for too much of a time that I guess it builded onto my mind set that I should do it just because it should be done. I never thought of it as a enjoyment, I mean maybe because of porn, it gives this false image of how sex is suppose to be like or how a relationship sex should be like when honestly, it shouldn’t be anything like that.

A couple who have sex is supposed to be at the time when both of them are comfortable in advancing, and ready to advance and their speed. Sometimes one can be slower, and that’s okay, that’s why the other wait, because good thing comes to those who wait. (its ironic how I am the one who says it when I have the least patience, but its true, and I have experienced that myself throughout 2014) For those who actually reads this blog, which probably is close to 0, but for those who do, believe me and all those things I say, because I speak from experience. If one forces you to do things you’re not comfortable doing, then the truth is, they don’t love you and you probably most likely deserve someone better.

Looking back 2014 was truly a unique year where I experienced a lot of things I never knew I’d experience. And I am grateful I experienced them. Now that we are moving on to 2015, I hope things are gonna become better, less sad stories happening and hopefully no more broken heart (present, stop breaking up with me when you’re at your lowest point in life!)

AND LET 2015 START FROM TODAY, FORGET THE PAST WEEKS, BECAUSE THOSE DEPRESSING THINGS DON'T COUNT AND WAS NEVER PART OF MY LIFE! 

Last Chance; day 7 (4-5 more hours)

 Published on

12/28/14 3:26 PM

Pacific Standard Time

As hours are getting closer, I am more and more cold sweating. It’s normal to cold sweat when you’re nervous right? I swear I don’t know why I am having all these types of reaction over him right now. I hate how he is making me feel, and quite frankly I don’t know anyone else who makes me feel like this. And I really hate it, I really hate it. I wish he would know how I feel right now and feel the same way and is only waiting for me to go up to him and confront him of the way I feel. I wish things were that easy, then there wouldn’t be conflicts needed. There wouldn’t be a break up and I wouldn’t need to go through all this. This is stupid. This really is stupid.

I cannot approach the new year with disappointments like this, I cannot approach the new year knowing that he is still broken up with me. I just can’t handle break ups, especially not this one, not losing him. I have lost enough people in my life, and he isn’t going to be one of them because of how much I love him and refuse to admit. I have problems I swear. I don’t start appreciating things until they’re gone. I am so stupid for thinking about this.

I mean I have gotten over my sudden realization, and now I am just spinning in the same mind circle I have been circling for a week already but just a bit more determined than before. Nothing else has changed besides that. I am still confused as ever to what I am going to do tonight, what I am wearing and how I am suppose to react to each of his response. Right now my head is blank, although there are random times where a response or two will flow in, but it isn’t an actual response where I am going to remember when I am in the middle of conversing with him. I mean are you nuts?

I can barely face him and tell him how I feel on regular basis, and now I have to confront how I feel and what I been typing the past few days? If I can barely type it out without stopping here and there you think I can actually let my thoughts leave me head? This is crazy thought. But I know I cant just not try and give up this easily, especially if I care about this relationship at all. I know I cannot. I should not and I will not. Because he never gave up on us, so now during his down time I don’t want to give up on him.

I want him to hear my heart. I have decided and I am not going to go back on the things I say, I am going to try my best not to hold back anyways. Because I know deep down there is no such thing as plan when it comes to a relationship. A relationship is two sided, and one cannot always control the result, because if you keep trying to control it you will end up losing it. Like how I have lost mine, and been in regret this whole week because of it.

Get a grip of yourself, think of what you have to say, and do what you have to do.

Crossing your fingers everyone, I am going in tonight and I need all the support there is from everyone! Pray to the god, pray to buddah, pray to cowlord or whoever you believe please. Pray for my happiness. Please mom, bless me on this, he is the only guy I want to be with, the only one I see myself happy with in the future. Please mom.

Now the question is, should i call him right now and ask if he is free or should i call later so he doesn't get time to think it over? God but if i call later and he end up doing something else, or being busy then i will do all that for nothing. I hate being in love, man this is the time i wish i never loved. Sigh

Sudden realization about two past ago

12/28/14 12:23 PM

Pacific Standard Time

In the book I was reading about love, yeah how pathetic of me. There was a children poem, which in a sense made sense and it a sense it didn’t that I’d like to share…

“Love is something if you give it away,

You end up having more,

It’s just like a magic penny

Hold it right, you wouldn’t have any.

Lend it, spend it, you’ll have so many

They’ll roll all over the floor”

If they don’t love you, truly there is no reason to be holding so tight to it, threaten them, force them will not make love return. If they truly love you, you wouldn’t need to be forced to do things.

In the book it also included variables that influence falling in love, which consist of a listing of 11 items which I do respect. So here it is,

Variables that influence falling in love

1.       Similarity in attitudes, background, personality traits

2.       Geographic proximity

3.       Desireable characteristics of personality and appearance

4.       Reciprocal affection, the fact that the other likes us

5.       Satisfying needs

6.       Physical and emotional arousal

7.       Social influences, norms, and the approval of people in our circle

8.       Specific cues in the beloved’s voice, eyes, posture, way of moving

9.       Readiness for a romantic relationship

10.   Opportunities to be alone together

11.   Mystery, in the situation or the person

The need of satisfaction. It is important to address both your needs and the needs of your candidate for love. In other words, what do you want and what are you willing to give. If you want your needs met in a romantic relationship, you should first figure out what your most important needs are.

^

Man, reading this more and more is making me a little upset about myself, knowing that I haven’t done much for him and he have done so much for me. Its funny because that happened in the last relationship too. I give so much unconditional love to him before we were together, and when we were finally together, I stopped 99% of it, or if not, all of it. And that was one of the reason I think he broke up with me. Wow I literally just had a sudden realization.

 I hate to say this, but maybe I am the one a fault, and maybe I am the one who isn’t ready for a relationship. I thought about whether or not I was ready for a relationship before, but I was too scared to answer my own question, because I don’t think I ever was ready. Which lead me to many mistakes.

My last last boyfriend, who is also my second boyfriend literally forced intercourse. With us all stupid and new at this, he was influenced by drama, books, tv show and porn that in order to be intimate, in order to be in love, sexual intercourse must happen. He kept bringing up the topic which I didn’t like because back then I wasn’t ready for it, I didn’t even want sexual intercourse. In fact I hated it.

Honest story though, there was the one day where he was over at my house and tried to take my pants off, I refused and he just kept going, trying to take it off even though my arms were there pushing him away, trying to keep my pants on. And I cried that day, I cried because the guy I dated doesn’t know when to stop, doesn’t know that his girlfriend felt uncomfortable. Being freshly out of high school, things all seem to be happening to fast. And maybe that is why porn were resriticted to 18+, because for those who are under are just not mentally ready. Or at least I wasn’t. Let’s call him Daniel.

Daniel had so much expectation that he expected me to fill, so much things he demanded me to do. And wow, thinking about it now, it feels as if I am becoming the new him and my ex is being the old me. As crazy as this sound but I don’t get these sudden realization until now. It’s crazy how things in my brain words. God I am stupid.

When we first got together(“Daniel and I” that is), even before, he told me, “I am going to be a bad boyfriend, are you okay with that?” I didn’t say much, all I did was hug him and nodded. And that was pretty much how we got together. No will you be my girlfriend, will you go out on a date with me. I just accepted him for who he is. And of course I guess that relationship was in a way kind of a abuse. Because the first year, he had so much on going expectation that he expects me to meet.

He wanted me to write a paragraph each month about the relationship. What I liked about it, what I hated about it and how we can improve. I thought he was nuts, because honestly no one does that in the relationship. And he forces me to a point where I had to do it. And he said he would do one in return too. But to have all my thoughts written down when I have no idea what is going on or how I feel (because that’s usually me) its just plain stupid. Having me as his first girlfriend and was already that demanding. But I was desperate for his love, for his approval. I wanted to move on from my first, I wanted to forget about him, I wanted to truly be free, so I didn’t mind it. Every month he demanded and expected more, and it got stressful, I cried, we fight, but I would carry on. Things got worst when he suggested sex. I thought having sex is gross, I liked foreplay because that was something I was beginning to accept (but then back then foreplay was just kissing…even kissing, it took us 3, 4, or 5 month to get to that stage. Crazy stuff, and I guess what was even worst was I love you took me about almost a year to say it. It’s hard when you want to mean it, and with my shyiness, god I might as well die before it comes out of my mouth. And for those who knows me know I am not that cheesy to a point I will be like god I love you. Even then we I was a year after in the relationship, I love you isn’t something I would say on daily basis. And I guess for my ex is just the same thing like how I was. God now I can see a old me in him. Which is a little scary. Because if he follows my path, he isn’t going to get back with me unless I truly touch his heart and kept trying. And that’s if he doesn’t find me annoying and lose interst in me because I am chasing him. Oh god please don’t be like the old me.). so where were we before we started going all off topic here?

Oh yes, there was this one time where he tries to take off my shorts, and I cried, because if you love someone you wouldn’t force them into something they don’t want to. And I know deeply that he wanted that badly, but I didn’t. and just because he wanted it doesn’t mean he should force me if I don’t want it. And at that point he doesn’t understand that, I guess he was too blinded by male testosterone to see my pain. But at times I would cry myself to sleep thinking about it. Finally I have agreed to have sex with him when I comes to our one year, because he said that if its any longer than he would break up with me. Knowing its my weakness, he uses break up extremely often there forth. I hated that about him, but every time I wanted to break up with him, I would say no to it, because what are the chances that someone would accept me again. Back then I wasn’t popular, and to get a guy to notice me is already impossible, I probably liked him a lot, but I don’t think it ever made its way to love.

Every month, at some random time we would talk about it and he would try to get me to accept it and do the sexual intercourse early, which I refuses, because back then, I was naïve and innocent. Not understanding much sexual jokes, not to mention my strong beliefs in not having sex until after marriage. It’s crazy how they all changed now. I guess sex isn’t something I can do with anyone. And its crazy for those who can go on one night stand and be totally okay with it, because honestly that’s not something I’d do ever. I might at times maybe I would sound like I’d be down, but that’s just my boldness talking, the chances of me actually following through with it is in the negatives.

Man, I typed this originally to recite it back to the book, who knew that I would end up having that much sudden realization everywhere. Oh god geezus.

Okay I think I need to take a break and just process all these in my head now. Everything is happening so fast, oh shit.

Wow….

Im still stunned.

Ill probably post another one later in the hours, when I calm myself from all these realization.

Sister is cooking KBBQ wrapped with taco stuff too. So I’ll just eat that and think things through. But oh man…I don’t think…wow…okay until later! Oh god.

Credit of the beginning goes to "Falling in Love : Second Edition (why we choose the love we choose) by Ayala Malach Pines"

Today is the day (Day 7)

Today is the day, either go big or go home because it is probably the last shot you got to get him back. Well that is if he picks up your phone and can actually make out time for you to see him and talk to him without straight rejection like last time.

Of course, there is no crying, no backing up on words and no saying nothing. Your attitude must not go overboard nor should your emotion, because once he detects that he will forsure reject it thinking that he was right the first time. Time have given some distance, but hopefully just enough to make each other miss each other just that much to talk.

Keep in mind the reasons he told you why he doesn’t want to be with you, and don’t stab him in the area. If you want, talk around the area, and slowly make your way to the area. I know that you’re patientless, but this is a critical point where you need to speak up about what you believe, filter things our and keep only the parts he wishes to hear at the downest time. I know you suck at comforting, so I am expecting a full on non critical on your part apology rather than trying to comfort someone because I know you can’t do it. And I am pretty sure he is well aware of it as well.

There are also things to keep in mind. That if you want anything to work, you have to get the right timing for everything, no trying to molest him before speech even begin, break the silence and talk about your feelings full on, because the chances of this happening again will be back down to 0 after this. It’s a long shot, but it’s the only shot.

At this point, I am not sure knealiing is any good since if he already have a terminal decision for things, the chances of changing it is hard. And he have already self convienced that he shouldn’t have you in his life, just forcing him into situations like that will only make it harder.

Talk to him like two adults, like two mature college students, don’t cry too soon, because that will devalue your cries. I hate to say this, but crying devalues each time you use it, and quite frankly you have used it quite a few times.

Giving myself the pep talk 7:45am in the morning through blogging is interesting because I can’t sleep so I have to do this. I mean its not like sleeping is a option anyways since even when I am asleep, all I dream about is him and I, me and him, me trying to get him back, and him running away and pushing me away and stuff. I mean really is nothing new, but then because I know today was the day, I guess it just makes me unless able to sleep.

Hopefully he is able to pick up the phone or else everything here wil be and shall be useless.

Let’s pray for the best and hope for the best, because I really don’t want to lose the love of my life just because we are on his downhill side. I want to be there for him at his downs just like how he have been there for me at mine downs. I want him to believe that we will work out for the best. I really truly do.

I cant believe I am this much in the love hole that I can’t dig myself out. I can at this point make fun of myself, ruin myself to get him back. Stupid things you’d do for love huh?

Wong fu Prouction, Strangers Again

Everyone in this household went to watch mockingjay leaving me here by myself, which is a little sad because I watched the midnight release with AS people. Sigh, I mean yeah I guess I had a great time but still. Is it crazy to miss someone that much? I am now unsure if its because I haven’t had a break up in a while, or with the fact that I am more emotionally attached to him that makes all the transition hard. Or maybe it’s the fact that I don’t want to completely let go. I mean I tried, but I can’t. I love him too deeply to let him go, or even imagine him being let go. I don’t want us to become stranger again, I don’t want any of that to happen.

Reminds me of the video from wongfu, strangers again.

[insert link here] -> bam

www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSdELZxEnHY

for those who doesn't have time in their hands for this amazing film, feel free to just watch the trailer, but you will only want to watch the whole thing after that. But here's the trailer! 

STRANGERS, AGAIN
Every relationship goes through stages. Where and how each stage develops is ultimately up to each person. While we always hope for the best, we often can’t avoid the inevitable. Josh and Marissa are at a crossroads and their future is uncertain. Josh guides us through each stage of the relationship as it formed and as he predicts it will end up as.

In the video, wongfu talked about the different stages relationships are in, which are pretty true.

Stage 1 Meeting – First time you saw each other

Stage 2 Chase – Getting to know each other

Stage 3 Honeymoon – In relationship where you can do anything you want as a couple

Stage 4 Comfortable – Comfort you feel when your together

Stage 5 Tolerance – Excuses make to make distance

Stage 6 Downhill -the effort to try to make things work

Stage 7 Breaking up – Better to end it all.

However we missed a few stages here and there, or the stages don’t exactly happen right then and there, but eventually it lead to break up. First I thought it was ridiculous and that relationship should never be like that, but now thinking about it my past relationships were all pretty close to that besides the last one. Even though we fight a lot, we never made excuses to not see each other, and its because we can’t even make excuses, especially him, that caused this break up. Because he can’t get his priority straight.

Half of me, or probably less than half of me thinks that moving on would be better because in the end he wouldn’t want to take me back in to repeat his mistake even though he didn’t try it out. But the other 60-70% of me wants everything to work. Its probably at 80% now, but that doesn’t matter. Because my brain and my heart wants this to continue, while to him, he thinks that its only logical to break up.

I swear I have never wrote so much about one relationship in a spam of one week, I must be insane to go on to this level of writing when usually I give up on writing so easily. I guess I needed something to fill up my gap so my thinking process doesn’t go all crazy and stuff.

Why do you drive me crazy like this. Why can’t I just forget about you like how I forgot about my ex? How long does it take for you to figure out that I need you in my life or else I won’t be able to function? You idiot, letting go so easily. You idiot, you idiot. Ugh.

Night Terror (day 6)

Talk about night terror, can’t sleep longer than two hours without being waken by a night terror. God help me, my heart is pounding hard right now, still trying to absorb the shock I have taken in due to the dream.

At this point you may wonder what it is, well, its obviously about the break up. It was I guess taking place in the retreat that we were suppose to have next week, and instead of sitting in the front, he sat in the back with his close friend, who is a girl. And of course, now that we’re over, I have no right to be mad, but I am of the fact that he won’t look at me, and he would purposely turn away like if its no one’s business. I gave her the glance, and I guess she knew why and then she asked him why he broke up with me. And from there, I think someone tried to come and talk to me, but I was too busy easdropping on the conversation that I eventually pushed them away telling them to come back later because they just won’t shut up even when I tell them to. I guess eventually we were all standing during break or something (it was a movie showing in a room I guess with chairs lined up), we stood up and he and I were next to each other at one point, and he made the first talk, he said “what do you want?”

I only frowned and looked at him, thinking his crazy, “if I tell you what I want it doesn’t mean I am going to get it.”

“you might.” He smiled, which gave me this reall false impression that felt fake to begin with but I dragged him out. And she followed, which I don’t understand why, because we were having a private talk but I guess I had to do it when shes there. And its like, having to say to one person who you truly care about, how you feel about them isn’t enough yet, you have to say it to their best friends face too.

But of course, even when I said it, he still said no, but this time he said, “maybe in the future, but not now”

I begged him, I told him to try, to at least try. But he cried a lot ( I swear at some point in time he turned to a girl but idk…) we were hugging the whole entire time when we were outside by the balcony and we were both just crying, but he was really really crying.

Before anything happened, I woke up wanting to cry, extremely tired, and wish I would’ve at least heard the answer. Maybe the answer isn’t shown for a reason, maybe it’s foreseeing something. Who knows, I just know I can’t take this on any longer or else I might as well go crazy, because I feel like 2 hours of sleep is already on my way there.

Maybe packing my brain with memeories I shouldn’t remember during the first week of break up is a bad thing, and that typing a 10 page summary about the breakup and how our relationship started just doesn’t help at all.

I don’t even know anymore.

God help me, I swear if I don’t get back with him I might go insane or not sleep at all and probably die young.

Why is everything so hard to forget and get over? Maybe I am holding on to it a little too tight, I mean he seems to be sleeping fine, but then again I am not talking to him so how would I possibly know. 

How everything fit in; story of how everything came to be p2. (day 5)

Been rolling in bed since 3am in the morning till now, 5:21am in the morning. The consciousness and actualization of the break up won’t let me sleep. And seeing my ex active on facebook half an hour ago just doesn’t help but make me think he have the same problem, but then I could be wrong. Stupid social media, gotta tell you everything that you do and don’t want to know.

I guess this is just a sign that I should continue where I left off earlier today, or yesterday, or a few hours ago. Like who knew I was gonna end up not sleeping for a while.

So where was I? I think we left off at the place where we were campaigning and we won, which helped me determined that I should continue whatever was happening between me and him. So that whole summer we had one of those summer flings, the only difference is it lasted. We saw each other discreetly, never really went out on dinner however, which was the weirdest part, because I think everyone else does the opposite of what we do. That summer I think we even hit home run without declaring a status between us, which I was just plain confused about. I wanted to ask him what we were but I was afraid, well more like shy.

Thankfully everything sorta resolved (well not really), but we kinda talked about it when he spent a weekend at my house because my parents had left for mexico or something like that, leaving the house empty and I had him come over and slept over. It was the most amazing weekend, well besides the fact that we didn’t do anything productive, and I think I starved that weekend and I wasn’t up all about the keep asking him to buy food deal. But besides that I had fun, being able to spend every second with someone I care for was just a dream come true I guess. I think one of those nights something depressing came up, some thought or something, I think. And I distanced myself from him, resulting in a whole night of idk what we were even doing, but then the following day we briefly mentioned about the boyfriend and girlfriend topic. And I recall I was like, “yeah you never asked me so it doesn’t count” and he nodded, saying “yeah….” I think that was it. Yeah it really wasn’t a actual talk but hey, what else did you expect from a relationship that started with not that much talking. (haha)

A month later from then I think, or a few weeks after he asked me to go out and eat I guess. Not using the word a date or anything, but when he came, he asked if I was dressed nicely, and told me to do it if I haven’t done so. And I recall replying him with, “well unless you’re coming in a suit and flower, I am not gonna dress nice.” And that silenced him, which was kinda true, I mean he wasn’t dressing that nice, he had a oversized collar green shirt with jeans. And trust me, he could’ve done way better than that when it comes to dressing, so I was kinda glad I didn’t. plus we ended up going to Korean BBQ, which I was thankful I didn’t wear something nice for, because those oil smell stain stays with you kinda forever. He GPSed it because i think it was his first time there, it was pretty interesting how it turned out. I remember getting mad at him for not raising his hand and the service took forever (god my patience just get the best of me sometimes), and I also got into a little quarrel with him about how you’re supposed to use your hands for the rice wraps not chopsticks. And he told me that that’s how his friends and him ate, I know that day I was just giving him a hard time. And that day on the way there to KBBQ, we walked a block or two and saw one of our acquaintance, well or mine at least…awkward?

But the night didn’t turn out that nicely as he planned it I guess, but he learned something about be that day. I liked babies, because I would smile each time there was a kid that passes by the window (okay, straighting things out, babies are cute, no creepy intentions okay?). I don’t know how he lasted that dinner with me, because I don’t even think I would’ve lasted that dinner with myself. I think the whole reason why I was just grumpy was because I didn’t know how to act around him since I don’t think we ever had an actual date. And I think that was how I acted when me and my first went out on a movie date, which was our first date. I literally refuse to order food because I insisited that I wasn’t hungry when in all honesty I was just too shy to order and eat in front of him.

Later when we finished up eating, and headed back to the car, I guess I was grumpy all the way, or so the way I recalled it (when truly I don’t think I was that grumpy, but my stubbornness just refuses to let it go). But he opened the door for me, sat me down, and went to the trunk, where he got out a giant minion and came back, handed to me and asked, “Jenny, would you be my girlfriend?” and gave off this signature laugh of his, which I often admire him for. He was able to laugh off anything, its something I liked a lot about him, something I lack in having and I enjoy him having it around when we’re together.

Maybe I was with him because of all the positive attitudes. He was like the positive spot in my life, he was the bright light that drags me out of darkness when I was in one. He lights my path when it grows dark, and he is there when I am alone.

Of course, I didn’t give him a response right away. I mean yeah I thought about it a little, and I wanted to say yes, but then with my shyiness, please, it would be a surprise if I actually said anything but negative words. I don’t know if he have noticed this before, but I only say negative things or complain when I get nervous about someone, or something. So I mean, if I am super nice to you, then there’s something wrong with that picture. But that whole hour or half an hour we stayed there we just say in the car and starred at each other, I felt really bad because I know he was expecting a “yes” or something like that. Actually, he just expected an answer rather than silence treatment. And I remember clearly as if it was yesterday, that smile he initially had was drastically changed into this upset laugh, then frown, then upset laugh again.

“Soooo..?”

“What..?”

“You haven’t answered my question yet?”

“Well….” Long pause, “I don’t know….”

[insert upset laugh here] “how can you not know?”

“I just don’t…”

I think after a while he was upset to a point where he thought I was just too scared to reject him that he said, “you know if you don’t want it, at least say it, you don’t have to pull it back” or something like that, it was pretty close idk

I mean it took forever that eventually we drove back to my house, and I still didn’t give him an answer by the end of the day, and I recall how frustrated he was, and I felt extremely bad too. He would bring it up once in a while, but I think eventually, a week or two later I accepted. I said the yes he always wanted to hear. And from there on everything was history ish.

I mean who knew 5 month and a week or so later from then we would actually break up, and who knew we would get into that many fights. I regret everything we have done, I guess it happens when you break up with someone. But I don’t know why this one is just extremely hard to get over.

I don’t even know why I wrote so much about me and him and our history here when I never wrote about any of my other exs. I guess he is literally the only one I actually cared this much about. I mean hey, if I can’t sleep for a week because of him, that must mean something, like he is special or something. I don’t know how he is doing right now, but I wish he could text or call him or something…

God I think something is wrong with me to be up this late continuing to write about us when there isn’t a us anymore. What am I even doing, I should be sleeping too. Life really just makes me upset sometimes.

I guess this is more productive though, I mean 45 minutes just passed by while typing this. 5:51am now, I mean its not like I like the fact that time passed, but I have decided that I will call him tomorrow night and go over to his house and talk with him over. I had everything planned in my head, but sometimes I question the things I plan in my head so I don’t know how well this is going to go.

I wanted to talk it over, apologize for all the things and problems I have caused him. Apologize for having him lose himself in the process of this relationship, apologize for losing his priority, for losing time with his project, education, academic, work, friends, and family because of me. For being unable to stay on top of his work because of me. Apologizing for insisting on spending certain times together when I know he already have other agendas to deal with. Apologizing for everything that he was ever upset about the relationship, apologizing for the fact that all those assets lead him to not want a relationship. Its partially my fault that he ended up here. And I think the talk about how I am disappointed in him just doesn’t help that day when we broke up, because during text, I recall him saying that a lot people have been disappointed in him recently, from close friends to family because of how he doesn’t do well in school work and home because he can’t prioritize his time.

I want to tell him that I want to work with him through his struggle, that I would make time for him and he doesn’t have to always make the time for me as long as he rememebers I am there. That I will be there for him and support him until he gets up off of his feet. I don’t want this relationship to break up just because of this, I want it to be stronger, I want him to believe in us, believe that we can pass through this together rather than breaking apart. I don’t want him to have to face everything by himself, I want to be there for him just like how he had been there for me. He just means that much to me. And it crazy that none of these words will probably ever come out of my mouth because of how inward I am when it comes to talk about feelings. I guess it really takes a break up for my feeling to surface up and touch my outside, but its too late when that happened. Stupid self.

I want him to see and believe in me, believe that I will assist him to do his best so he doesn’t have to be alone, that he doesn’t have to go through all these alone. I want to spend every last moment with him until the end of dawn, whatever that means. I love him a little too much to leave him behind, and I hope he feels the same way about me. It’s not about following the heart or the brain, its not about which one comes first, its about how you can put two together and still make it work. And I want to help us to do just that. I don’t want to pain us anymore with the break up, and I don’t want to spend the rest of this year not being with him, and I don’t want to spend my 2015 regretting not doing a thing about it because I truly love him.

This sound like the cheesyiest confessional letter I have ever wrote in third person. I am not sure if I ever will have the guts to share it with him, but there will come one day when that happens if things worked out of the best. I don’t want to lose him, I really don’t. and at this point I think everyone around me, which is just 3 friends I guess, knows how much I care for him, and I hope he can see it too.

I really hope I can survive through the next 36 hours fine, because it will probably take 36 hours until I finally approach to call him and see if I can meet with him. I am going to take my chances. And I hope everything will turn out for the best, and when I say the best, I don’t mean what he meant by the best, what he believes to be the best, but what actually is the best for both of us.

Please let a miracle happen. 6:08am