Messy Room

I end up cleaning out my room a little, gave away 3 bags of clothing, feeling a bit accomplished in life. Also recycled about 250 cans/bottles, although I didn't end up collecting all of them, it felt good. I feel like I accomplished a lot of things this week, sorta proud of myself you know.
Kind of makes me want to clear out more clothing and donate them to salvation army, but I don't know where to start, because my goal is to get rid of all the clothes that are not in the closet. I mean now there's walking room in my room and you can actually see the floor.
I recently, well yesteday actually, donated 3 bags and it felt amazing. Just getting rid of a load that you never looked at in your whole life, and probably will never wear even though you tell yourself you will wear it. Don't we all have those moments? (of course some more than others but hey, who's judging)
For many, it probably sounds insane, because I mean of course you would see floor in your room, who wouldn't? Well in a typcial day in my room, you usually don't see the floor, you see clothes everywhere, bags everywhere and etc.
And as scary as this sound I live like a bum, just a wealthier bum.

So there goes my goal in life, or at least for this week, to clean my room a bit. I mean it's definitely coming out better than it was before, but not good enough. Slowly but surly right?

I think that's probably my worst habit, not cleaning my room (and my car, but let's not get me started on how messy my car is)
Of course this is one of those times where I will not be releasing any pictures, because gosh, let's not completely kill my reputations (what reputation?) on blogger.

Britain's Got Talent, Susan Boyle and Connie Talbot

Does anyone remember watching Britain's Got Talent in 2009 and saw Susan Boyle? (If not, definitely click the link there and watch the video before continuing onwards with this blog.
So Susan, an originally 47 year old unemployed a Scottish singer went onto the show, with many audiences expecting nothing much out of her performance.
Little did anyone know that they had a surprise waiting for them.
Simon Cowell when first saw her, you can see from his face, he wasn't expecting much.

"Im 47, and that's just one side of me" She places her arm on her hips as she circled her hips proudly, when Simon asked.
She's not just kinky, she is also a talented singer.


You can see the faces of the audiences and the judges as she began to sing. Despite her outer appearance, she had an amazing voice which everyone cheered for, even Simon himself began to smile as she began to sing.

Boyle's first album, I Dreamed a Dream, was released on 23 November 2009.The album includes covers of "Wild Horses" and "You'll See" as well as "I Dreamed a Dream", and "Cry Me a River". I Dreamed a Dream became Amazon.com's best-selling album in pre-sales on 4 September 2009, nearly three months before the scheduled release. In Britain, Boyle's debut album was recognized as the fastest selling UK debut album of all time selling 411,820 copies, beating the previous fastest selling debut of all time, Spirit by Leona Lewis. I Dreamed a Dream also outsold the rest of the top 5 albums combined in its first week. (Wikipedia)

So why did I bring up Susan Boyle today? Coming across Yahoo! I saw an link to Susan Boyle's make over plus photo session  and it was stunning. Someone who in the beginning was pratically a nobody, someone who others thought was just another old woman trying to do the impossible became famous because she wasn't afraid to show her talent, wasn't afraid to go out there.

I remember when she first sang I Dreamed a Dream, it shocked not just Britain, but also American media as well. I remember sitting in the chair one day in high school and seeing her amazing performance, and I don't even watch television.

Speaking of Britain's Got Talent, there was another individual who I admired and loved a lot that performed on the show. Her name is Connie Talbot.(click the link to watch her performance) She sang the song, somewhere over the rainbow, and was complimented by Simon Cowell that she was "pure magic".   She was young, but she wasn't shy to express her talent. (She also got her own website, what?!) I really did admire her bravery in making it through the finals.

 (She even went on Ellen DeGeneres Show! apparently she started singing at 12 month old! Singing to Wizard of Oz)

Although she made it to the finals, she didn't end up winning, but that didn't stop her. Cowell later helped her sign into a record deal, however sadly, after a short time was let go because of her age (she was sadly too young to be in the music industry).
But she didn't stop there, she continued to sing, even till now.

Here are a few of her songs she's debuting, or covering. She's got an amazing voice, even now.
Connie Talbot - Fireflies
Connie Talbot - Let It Go
Connie Talbot - Count On Me
and here is one of her originals
Connie Talbot - Inner Beauty

She's beautiful, and an amazing singer, I don't understand why she haven't been discovered yet. She definitely have a lot of potential.

Her Interview in 2013

 It's actually a bit surprising after looking her up through her Youtube channel, most of her audiences were mostly in Asia more than in the west. Since 2013, she's been to China on tour 4 times, while I don't think she's ever toured in America once, sadly. She's done interview in China, in Korea, and in many other Asia countries, and her albums have been sold Asia wide and even made it into the charts, but not here. Which is a bit confusing for me to understand.

 Despite all in all, personally I would love to meet her in person and interview her. And if anything go to one of her tour concerts. Hopefully one day her fame will make it here to America! Keep up the good work Connie!

Half of the story, the whole truth before the relationship. The lies and dishonesty.

So I created a new blog, a blog about my break up with my ex, but then reading through my old blog here "la douleur" today, I realize something. That there are a lot of stuff I have already realized early on but never changed about myself. To me, once I get it, I tend to forget how much pain I was in, and how hard I worked for to get it, that once it's in my hand, I just take it for granted, and then later regret it.
My Blog: Επόμενος
And honestly, it's scary and it's sad. Maybe that is why Pablo (a nickname I been using on my other blog to talk about my most recent boyfriend, because I don't want to use real name on the online blog), broke up with me. Because it's such a repetitive pattern, and all there is is pain time after time. Each time we said things are going to be better, it may go better for a little bit in the beginning and then it goes back to the way it was.
And now he doesn't trust the things I say, and what I do behind his back because I gave him an uncomfortable reason to trust me from the start. Truth, honest truth is, I cannot blame him. I have cheated on him behind his back ever since the beginning even before we started dating, and going out, even before we declared our relationship when we were chasing each other.
I was flirting with other guys, and I was making out here and there, to my heart's content, and it is by far the dumbest thing, which I do truly regret. All those guys I made out with, all those guys I cheated on him with, they were just bad people, people who didn't want to commit, who didn't love me for me, or care about me much, but rather just doing it for the heck of doing it. Yet I was fine with that, not thinking about how much Pablo would be hurt if he knew about all the things I did. Heck, if he ever finds out about all the things I did, there wouldn't ever be a second chance in life I would be able to get back with him, or even talk to him or be in the same room with him ever again. I would most likely be dead to him.
Even though he is the only person who probably knows most about my life, he is also the person who doesn't know a lot of things I did behind his back, and so his guts telling him not to trust me is probably right. Look at how currpted I am, and the ways I am treating him. It's not right, and I don't deserve him.
All he ever does is try to make me happy and all i ever do is try to piss him off because its kind of funny and cute to see him getting jealous over nothing, to see him getting upset. I have some issues.

It started from when we first met around late March, early April. We started talking more and more because of campaigning for student government, and from there got closer and closer I guess. And with the high hormone self, I go all out and try to flirt with everyone. I remember initially I was trying to get at another guy who was running for student government in our group of slate. But then he was too hard to get (and later I realize he is too young to get, barely 18, and not to mention one huge pothaed) and so instead I got someone else reeled in on my fishing hook instead by accident. I mean it isn't bad or anything, but I didn't intentionally get him (and he doesn't know that).
During the campaign period, I was actually still crushing hard on that one guy, let's call him Brian. But Brian was too busy to notice, he was smart don't get me wrong, he was also super good looking, and his green eyes are to die for! But hey, it didn't work out for a good reason, because pot head, no thank you. Although we did go on a retreat to Santa Barbara together, and I did end up kissing on on the side of the mouth (out of a dare on one of the nights).
Anyways, during late March, early April, I went a Spring Conference and there was a night dance afterwards, where everyone got all hot and sweaty. And there were two guys in particular that was short of chasing after me, or in a sense trying to get at me. One Hispanic and one Asian, and as a Asian person, I was of course more turned on by the Asian. And on the dance floor, although both did dance with me, the Hispanic one snagged me first, then the Asian one, but ultimately I slipped out of the Hispanic one's hand to be with the Asian one. (Let's call the Asian one Samsung).
So Samsung and I danced, pretty much rest of the night, and during one of our last songs we danced to, the floor got crazy, and our face got close, hormones got high, and kissed (with tongue and everything), my heart was racing fast, adrenaline was rushing, was turned on, and thirsty for some making out.
It wasn't hard to get some when I wanted some I guess, although I was surprised because there were girls who were prettier than me on the dance floor who didn't get hit on at all. Definitely some weird shit. And one of the people who saw it was soon going to be the one who's going to make me regret doing it, but we can talk about him later. (lets give him a nickname of Lee)
Anyways, he followed me up back to the hotel later,I mean but then the good me didn't want anything to happen, because here may be the plot twist, but I was still in a relationship with Daniel (my ex ex, my second boyfriend) when this all happened ( I didn't even remember any of this till just now, oh shit. I was in really deep shit then. Because I recall phoning Daniel when I was at the hotel during Spring Conference).
Anyways, what the hell am I talking about, the good me shouldn't have even been crushing on other people here and there, and the good me shouldn't even been flirting with other guys to begin with. What the hell, I can't believe I been playing innocent for this long, and I can't believe I have never been caught playing innocent.
People say karma will get you like a bitch, I guess it is coming. All will shit bricks when it comes. Sigh. I been an ass my whole life, I don't know how I am getting so much good blessings in my life for me to be this much ass-y and still get by with it with good people around me. Just exactly how much blessings did I collect in my past life to get this far*(1)?
I treated my first boyfriend like crap over and over, and he still comes back to me. I treated my second one like crap, and he still stuck around for a while, although he is pretty demanding. Then my third boyfriend, well he tolerated me until he can't anymore, which was still a damn long time. I must have collected a lot of blessing for all that to happen. Or maybe they're just stupid to be stuck with me, or maybe I am just lucky, and am going to run out of luck soon if I keep abusing it like that (knock on wood, lets hope not).
But going back to my story, nothing much happened, and the next day, before we departed back to Los Angeles again, he hung with me for a bit, and literally right right before we left, I used toe excuse of getting our president water to go back in the lobby, Samsung and I kissed once more in the lobby (I think our club secretary and internal vice president saw it at that time when they were coming out of the gift shop, but I was too embarrassed to ask what they actually saw, all i know is they saw us getting friendly, but that was it, thank god we weren't close enough for them to spread the rumors around haha). God, the adrenaline just gets me each time. And it's really not like I like him or anything, well maybe I was interested in him, but that was it, it was more of the at the moment thing if anything.
We went back to our lives after, and you know as long as I remember being at the community college I was in, I never really revealed to many that I had a boyfriend, and so most of the time, I was dishonest and told everyone I was single. So besides my high school friends, none of my college friends knew that I had a boyfriend at the time, which makes cheating and flirting a lot easier. And because none of Daniel's friends goes to the community college I go to (well, barely anyways, and if any, they're all fobs, so we don't ever run into each other, thank god), so cheating wasn't a problem if anything. But of course with the way I act during a relationship, having two relationship at the same time will be impossible.
Daniel and I didn't officially break up until sometime in June I believe, or May. Whenever Spring banquet was, was the time where Daniel and I broke up. I can't seem to remember the exact date, but damn, speaking of which, I have two break ups in June now with two different guys. One a year ago, and another one this year. The only difference is there is nobody to replace this one, and I really don't' want anyone to replace this one this time.

I don't know why, but there was something about the photo shoot that makes me remember that memory more in particular than any other ones, maybe it was because he mentioned it to me that he remembers that one or something I don't know. I think it was because he said that he didn't really start noticing me until the photo shoot time. Perhaps the way I dressed or something somewhere along the line? I don't recall much.

Whatever.
But when we truly got close was when my car battery didn't work, due to connection problems. And that day he was with me I guess in the beginning we were working on campaigning together or something, and then he walked me to my car or something, and right when he was going to leave I realize my car battery didn't work, and so I borrowed his phone to call my parents, and I think his phone was dying, and mine already died or something like that.
And then my parents, being the parents they're told me that they weren't going to come and told me to figure it all out myself. And being a child with no knowledge of how to fix my car, besides being told the instruction of whacking my car with a tweaser, I find it hard to repair my car.
Originally he took me to the IT build to the auto mechanic place first, with them saying that the car will have to be brought there in order for them to do anything, and with the circumstance of the car, it was impossible to bring it anywhere.
So next we went to the campus police, or we called, and they said that they no longer help jump cars. And lastly we went to his people, the engineering friends he had, and I think we went to a dude named Brent (yeah he is probably the only guy I will put out real name to, but I doubt he will ever find this blog so it's okay). But anyways, he had jump cords and offered to help, and sure enough we walked to his car, then drove to my car to try to jump it but no matter what, nothing worked. And I guess we (Pablo and I) ended up sitting on the side of the parking lot entrance after parting and thanking Brent for helping us. Then I called my parents again, and finally this time they agree to come and look at the problem.
And somehow my mom ended up just whacking it and it worked on the first try, I was like what the hell, how did she. And Pablo was shocked too, I remember he said, "Wow, I learned something today, that when the car won't start, you can try whacking your battery for it to work." And my mom told us that it was connection problem and then it got awkward because I was suppose to leave the same time as my mom, I guess, but then I wanted to thank Pablo and stuff too, so then I told my mom to go first while I said I was going to drive Pablo to his car.
Which I think I did end up driving him to his car, and then gave him a prolonged hug, thanking him for everything. And that's how we truly started, Pablo and I. Or at least the earliest memories of us being super close.
According to him, we were getting close already via facebook message, but from my memories alone, I think we didn't talk into much depth, he said we did talk about my parents, my sister and all that, but I tell everyone that, and I complain so much that I guess to me it didn't seem like that much. But maybe my memories got fabricated too, so I don't know honestly which is which.
But then agreeably that's where we both agreed where it truly started. He felt emotionally closer to me because he saw the side of me that weren't usually shown to people, the vulnerable side of my who cries, and was weak because nobody was able to help. He saw the pain that I lived through half of my life, the tears of a little girl. Something that many never seen, and honestly something that my first and second boyfriend didn't seen until late. I guess Pablo was something else.
That day was the beginning of the reign, beginning of hope and prolong hugging. It was the start of everything (and yes, I was still with Daniel then).
To me, little flirting doesn't hurt anyone. To me, little flirting, with enough control, will not lead to other things. To me, little flirting, is just to live in the moment, and nothing more. To me, it was a harmless thing.
Who knew that little feeling, that butterfly feeling, that heart skipping, mood jumping moment soon lead to many more unexpected things.
Who knew it lead to more prolonged hugs, lead to longer hugs, hugs that were dry humping, hugs that lasted a few hours, hugs that I didn't want to end, hugs that made my heart skip. And soon, a hug that led to a kiss that soon turned into penis touching, boob touching, and a relationship that lasted 9 month.
But I will save that for my next post.
Until next time.


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1.* so upon Asian superstition, especially the Buddhist believed that how well you're living this life is due to how well you acted last life. So for say, if in your past life, you did a lot of good deed and suffered a lot, in the next coming life, which will be this life, you will be living in lots of blessings. And vise versa, if you acted terribly and been a horrible person in your past life, in your next life, you might just end up on the street or something like that. So it's all about give and take, what you give is what you get, and you know, growing your own fruit of life, etc. But of course, for you to believe that you also have to believe in reincarnation.

06.17.2015 Regrets, Loss, And Grief (下一頁的我)

下一頁的我

Thank you for waking up at 5am to take me to the airport one last time after our breakup.
Despite everything that have happened you are still nice to me, I don't deserve you.

Written on 07/02/201506說想你，說我以前沒有好好的珍惜你都太晚了。我們已經都變成過去式了。說聲對不起只能填一填傷口的結疤。要是我真的覺得你有那麼重要那我就不會那麼不尊重你的一言一語，我也不會對你大驚小怪的。實話說的直一點，你已經給過我不知道多少機會了。而我只把你說的都當成耳邊風。我以為我們是一輩子的，但是我都沒發覺你有多麼多麼的不快樂。我不知道我傷了你多少次了你還是會默默的原諒我。我回想了一下，你到底是看上我的那裡？我很愛罵你，很愛在你前面說你的壞話，什麼是我都經常說是你的錯，還愛說一些讓你感受到沒安全感的話。害你自尊心都悲傷了，安全感也沒了，還要逼的跟我嗆，而且還要被我臭罵一頓。我看起來真的不值得你的原諒。在一起那麼久了，我還沒有自己知覺，真的很想揍自己。你實實都依著我，我想去哪裡，我想做什麼事你都陪我，我要辦事時要是你有空你會陪我，我很無聊想要聊天時，要是你能，你也會用你保貴的時間來陪我在電話上聊天，或者陪我簡訊一整天要是你沒空的話。你讓我踩在你的頭上，讓我每次都不知不覺的踩的太過頭，害你感到悲哀跟傷痛。現在的我，有什麼資格要求你回到我的身邊？現在的我哪有什麼資格再問你願不願意跟我再重新開始？整個墨西哥的程旅滿腦子都是你，都在回想我們做過的事，我們說過的話，我們在一起的時候，然後我就會坐在角落單單和回想跟自責。自責當初沒有好好的對你，沒有好好的珍惜你。現在已經太晚了。像那首歌說的一樣，好的事情也總然需要結束。可能我們不是命中注定要在一起吧。
我以為我們會走的更遠，我以為我們沒事的，可是我都忘記停一下去看你到底高不高興，看一下我怎麼對待你的。我都估率了你的感受，我只有估率自己的感受。我好恨我當初的決定。愛應該是大方的，是不能逼迫的。有句名言說，要是你愛一個人的話，你就得放他走，要是他寧願回來，那就是屬於你的，可是要是他不回來的話那麼他從原本就不屬於你的，而你得讓他走。我好恨那句詞，因為我不懂為什麼。對我來說，愛一個人是自私的，我怎麼能說放就放？不能啊，哪有那麼簡單啊。尤其是看到對方終於有了個新的女朋友，心裏總是會痛。在嘴巴明明說說會祝他們幸福可是心裏還不是會痛的要命。我真的不懂愛，我也真的不想懂。愛好複雜，好亂。可以讓一個人失去理智，變成白癡，何必勒。我愛唸，愛把每件小事都怪在你的頭上，愛計較，愛跟你吵架，把不需要吵架無理頭的小事都變成大事，小事大鬧。我又愛跟你頂嘴，吵架都非虛我贏，還真的愛跟你吵的每天都你死我活，每天都至少會聽你說對不起，因為你都讓我贏。我好恨自己沒有好好的珍惜你，現在的我，已經太晚了，沒有這個福氣去珍惜你。我好恨自己恨我等了這麼久才發現，才自覺。我恨我當初開始沒對你好。害你每次都得和我道歉，就算是我的錯也是你道歉。在世上沒有一個人能應付我的脾氣。可是你就能，你的溫柔，慈悲，貼心，跟耐心都用在我的身上，而我卻還是欺負你，踏在你的頭上，害你每次受傷。我值得今天的下場，失去你的下場。
現在的我們連朋友都當不成，而當時以前的我們有說不完的話，比好朋友更親。
雖然我們現在連朋友都不如，但願有一天我跟你有緣能再度從新開始，但願你有一天會回頭再給我一次機會讓我好好的對你。好好的愛你。因為現在的我不值得得到你的愛。現在的我已經失去讓你愛我的資格。17
不屬於我的幸福我還是不要碰不要求，不然最後受傷的還是我。可能這輩子的我不值得擁有幸福。

So I am too lazy to translate it all to english, and asked my friend, Google translate for help, so don't mind some things not making sense...Like you said, that I had not cherish you too late. We have all become past tense. I'm sorry to say only fill a fill wound scarring. If I really think you are so important that I would not be so do not respect your word spoken, I will not have you fuss. Honestly straight point, you've given me a chance I do not know how much. And I say to you all fell on deaf ears. I thought we were a lifetime, but I have not noticed how much you unhappy. I do not know how many times I hurt you or will you forgive me silently. I thought for a moment, I fancy you in the end there? I call you love, love in front of you say bad things, what I have often said to be your fault, but also love to say something that makes you feel insecure words. Harm your self-esteem are sad, there is no sense of security, and also forced to choke me, but also I gave it to be. I look really do not deserve your forgiveness. Together so long, I do not own perception, really wanted to hit himself. Truly you are depending on me, I want to go, I want to do something you are with me, when I want to work, if you have time you will accompany me, I'm bored I want to chat, if you can, you also you will use the valuable time with me on the phone chat, or SMS with me all day if you do not empty words. You let me step on your head, so that every time I unknowingly stepped on too far and hurt you feel sad with grief. Now, I'm asking you what right back to me? Now how can I ask you what qualifications and I would be willing to re-start? Mexico trip full of mind throughout the process are you in retrospect we did, we have said, we were together, and then I'll just sit in the corner and recall with remorse. ERA did not receive proper for you, you do not cherish. Now it is too late. Like the song says, like, good things are always natural need to end.Perhaps we are not destined to be together now.I thought we would go further, I think we all right, but I have forgotten pause to see you in the end high unhappy, look at how I treated you. I estimate the rate of your feelings, I only estimate the rate of their feelings. I Haohen my original decision.Love should be generous, not persecution. There is a saying that if you love someone, you have to let him go, if he would prefer to come back, it is yours, but if he does not come back, then that he had not belong to you, and you have to let him go.I Haohen phrase word, because I do not know why. For me, love a person is selfish, how can I say Fangjiu Fang? Not ah, how so simple ah. Especially to see the other side finally has a new girlfriend, my heart will always be pain. In the mouth will obviously talk about wish them happy but my heart was not hurt terribly.I really do not know love, I really do not want to know. Hobbies complicated mess. Can make a person lose control becomes an idiot, why Le.I love to read, love to blame every little thing in your head, loving care, love quarrel with you, the little things do not need to fight unreasonable head have become a major event, trivial row. I love to talk back to you, quarrel is true I won, really love you quarrel with life and death every day, every day at least to hear you say I'm sorry, because you have to let me win. I Haohen he did not cherish you, now I, too late, you do not have this good fortune to cherish. I hate myself Haohen I waited so long to find it consciously. I hate that I did not start on Hello. Each had to hurt you and I apologize, even if it was my fault but also to apologize to you. No one in the world can cope with my temper. But you can, your gentle, compassionate, caring, and patience are used in my body, but I was still bully you, stepping on your head and kill you every time injury. Today I deserve in the end, you end up losing.Now we can not even friends do not succeed, and then before we have lots to talk about, closer than friends.Although we are not even friends such as, I hope one day I can tell you again destined to start again, I hope one day you will come back to give me a chance to let me have a good for you. Good love you. Because now I do not deserve your love. Now I've lost my qualifications make you love.I do not belong to my happiness was not to touch is not required, or the last thing I was injured. Maybe I do not deserve this life is to have a happy.
====Then there's the Greek verison I google translated for fun.06 Όπως είπατε, ότι δεν είχα να σας αγαπάμε πάρα πολύ αργά. Έχουμε γίνει όλοι σε παρελθόντα χρόνο. Λυπάμαι να πω μόνο γεμίσει ένα ουλές πλήρωσης τραύματος. Εάν πραγματικά νομίζετε ότι είναι τόσο σημαντικό το γεγονός ότι δεν θα ήμουν έτσι δεν σέβονται τον λόγο σου μιλήσει, δεν θα έχετε φασαρία. Ειλικρινά ευθεία το σημείο, έχετε μου δίνεται η ευκαιρία δεν ξέρω πόσο. Και λέω σε όλους σας έπεσε σε κουφά αυτιά. Νόμιζα ότι ήταν μια ζωή, αλλά δεν έχω παρατηρήσει πόσο δυστυχισμένο. Δεν ξέρω πόσες φορές έχω να σας βλάψει ή θα με συγχωρήσετε σιωπηλά. Σκέφτηκα για μια στιγμή, θα σας άρεσε η ιδέα στο τέλος εκεί; Καλώ αγαπώ, αγάπη μπροστά σας πω άσχημα πράγματα, αυτό που έχω πει πολλές φορές ότι είναι το ελάττωμά σας, αλλά και την αγάπη για να πω κάτι που θα σας κάνει να αισθάνονται ανασφαλείς λέξεις. Βλάψει την αυτοεκτίμησή σας είναι λυπηρό, δεν υπάρχει καμία αίσθηση της ασφάλειας, καθώς επίσης και αναγκάστηκαν να μου πνίξει, αλλά επίσης μου έδωσε να είναι. Περιμένω πραγματικά δεν αξίζουν συγχώρεση σας. Μαζί τόσο καιρό, εγώ δεν κάνω τη δική της αντίληψη, πραγματικά ήθελε να χτυπήσει τον εαυτό του. Πραγματικά σας ανάλογα με εμένα, θέλω να πάω, θέλω να κάνω κάτι που είναι μαζί μου, όταν θέλω να εργαστώ, αν έχετε χρόνο, θα με συνοδεύσει, βαριέμαι θέλω να συνομιλήσετε, αν μπορείτε, επίσης, θα χρησιμοποιήσει τον πολύτιμο χρόνο τους μαζί μου για το chat του τηλεφώνου, SMS ή μαζί μου όλη την ημέρα αν δεν κενά λόγια. Μπορείτε επιτρέψτε μου βήμα στο κεφάλι σας, έτσι ώστε κάθε φορά που εν αγνοία τους πάτησε πολύ μακριά και να βλάψουν αισθάνεστε λυπημένος με θλίψη. Τώρα, σας ρωτάω τι ακριβώς πίσω σε μένα; Τώρα, πώς μπορώ να σας ρωτήσω ποια είναι τα προσόντα και θα ήμουν πρόθυμος να ξαναρχίσουν; Μεξικό ταξίδι γεμάτο νου καθ 'όλη τη διαδικασία που είναι εκ των υστέρων κάναμε, είπαμε, ήμασταν μαζί, και στη συνέχεια θα καθίσει ακριβώς στη γωνία και να υπενθυμίσει με τύψεις. ΕΧΕ δεν λαμβάνουν την κατάλληλη για εσάς, δεν αγαπάμε. Τώρα είναι πολύ αργά. Όπως λέει το τραγούδι, όπως, τα καλά πράγματα είναι πάντα φυσική ανάγκη να τερματιστεί.Ίσως δεν προορίζονται να είναι μαζί τώρα.Νόμιζα ότι θα προχωρήσουμε περαιτέρω, νομίζω ότι όλοι δίκιο, αλλά έχω ξεχάσει παύση να σας δούμε στο τέλος υψηλή δυστυχισμένο, κοιτάξτε πώς θα αντιμετωπίζονται. Εκτιμώ ότι ο ρυθμός των συναισθημάτων σας, το μόνο που εκτιμούν το ποσοστό των συναισθημάτων τους. Έχω Haohen αρχική απόφασή μου.Η αγάπη πρέπει να είναι γενναιόδωρη, δεν διώξεις. Υπάρχει ένα ρητό που λέει ότι αν αγαπάς κάποιον, θα πρέπει να τον αφήσει να πάει, αν θα προτιμούσε να έρθει πίσω, είναι δική σας, αλλά αν δεν έρθει πίσω, τότε που δεν είχε ανήκει σε σας, και θα πρέπει να τον αφήσει πάει.Έχω Haohen φράση λέξη, γιατί δεν ξέρω γιατί. Για μένα, η αγάπη ένα πρόσωπο είναι εγωιστής, πώς μπορώ να πω Fangjiu Fang; Δεν Αχ, πώς τόσο απλό Αχ. Ειδικά για να δείτε την άλλη πλευρά έχει τελικά μια νέα κοπέλα, η καρδιά μου θα είναι πάντα πόνο. Στο στόμα θα μιλήσει προφανώς για να τους ευχηθώ ευχάριστη θέση, αλλά η καρδιά μου δεν ήταν κακό τρομερά.Πραγματικά δεν ξέρω την αγάπη, εγώ πραγματικά δεν θέλουν να ξέρουν. Ενδιαφέροντα περίπλοκη χάος. Μπορεί να κάνει ένα άτομο να χάσει τον έλεγχο γίνεται ένας ηλίθιος, γιατί Le.Μου αρέσει να διαβάζω, αγαπούν να κατηγορούν κάθε μικρό πράγμα στο κεφάλι σας, μεράκι, αγάπη διαμάχη μαζί σου, τα μικρά πράγματα δεν χρειάζεται να αγωνιστούμε παράλογο κεφάλι έχουν γίνει ένα σημαντικό γεγονός, ασήμαντες σειρά. Μου αρέσει να μιλήσω μαζί σας, η διαμάχη είναι αλήθεια ότι κέρδισε, πραγματικά αγαπώ τσακωθεί με τη ζωή και το θάνατο κάθε μέρα, κάθε μέρα τουλάχιστον να σας ακούσω να πω ότι λυπάμαι, γιατί θα πρέπει να επιτρέψτε μου να κερδίσει. Έχω Haohen ότι δεν σας αγαπάμε, τώρα, πολύ αργά, δεν έχετε αυτήν την καλή τύχη να αγαπάμε. Μισώ τον εαυτό μου Haohen Περίμενα τόσο καιρό να το βρείτε συνειδητά. Μισώ ότι δεν είχα ξεκινήσει στο Hello. Ο καθένας είχε να σας βλάψει και ζητώ συγγνώμη, ακόμη και αν ήταν δικό μου λάθος, αλλά επίσης να ζητήσω συγνώμη από εσάς. Κανείς στον κόσμο δεν μπορεί να αντιμετωπίσει με ψυχραιμία μου. Αλλά μπορείτε, σας απαλή, συμπονετικός, φροντίδα και υπομονή χρησιμοποιούνται στο σώμα μου, αλλά ήμουν ακόμα νταής σας, πάτησε το κεφάλι σας και να σας σκοτώσει κάθε φορά τραυματισμό. Σήμερα αξίζει στο τέλος, θα καταλήξετε να χάσει.Τώρα δεν μπορούμε ακόμη και τους φίλους δεν τα καταφέρουμε, και στη συνέχεια, πριν έχουμε πολλά να συζητήσουμε, πιο κοντά από ό, τι οι φίλοι.Αν και δεν είμαστε ακόμα φίλοι, όπως, ελπίζω μια μέρα να σας πω και πάλι προορίζονται για να ξεκινήσει και πάλι, ελπίζω ότι μια μέρα θα έρθει πίσω για να μου δώσει μια ευκαιρία να επιτρέψτε μου να έχουν ένα καλό για σας. Καλή σας αρέσει. Επειδή τώρα δεν αξίζει την αγάπη σας. Τώρα έχω χάσει τα προσόντα μου σας κάνουν να αγαπήσετε.Δεν ανήκω στην ευτυχία μου δεν ήταν να αγγίξει δεν απαιτείται, ή το τελευταίο πράγμα που τραυματίστηκε. Ίσως δεν αξίζω αυτή τη ζωή είναι να έχουμε μια ευτυχισμένη.

The Final Break Up, The Change. Everything will be different from now

            This blog, I call it ℓα ∂συℓєυя , meaning "the pain", expresses the pains and struggle of my life. This blog is my outlet to things I can't normally complain to others, the things I have time to write about in life. Sometimes random, other times on things I just can't figure out on my own. This is like the place where I brainstorm, the place where I think and ponder about life and my decisions in life. Often, about my family and recently, it have been all about my love, my relationships as of latest. Sadly, due to my busy-ness, I haven't been writing very much here, instead I write in my personal journal, which also helped me self discover myself.

            The tricky thing about writing online is trying to keep myself away from real life people who actually know me, that's why sometimes I would unconsciously put my name or someone else's name in by accident. Something my journal wouldn't cause the risk if I don't end up letting it land on the wrong hands of course. 

            But anyways, I been living my life as a pessimistic person, thinking that everyone's going to turn out for the worst if they head for the worst, and etc. It wasn't until recently when I began dating this guy that made me realize the positivity of life. Living believe in the negative things for my whole life, changing a perspective seems nearly impossible but he finally made an impact on me. When he broke up with me (my present), that's when he tapped the glass box I was in for the whole 20 years. He tapped the box where I held my belief so dearly that I don't see all the things people have been telling me for the past 20 years.

            I finally started hearing them for the first time. I mean sure, I hear them every time when they repeat themselves, when they lecture me and tell me not to do it, but then I would do it anyways unconsciously because honestly I never reflect on myself. It wasn't until the break up that I began to reflect on my life, on myself, my personality and my attitude. No wonder there are a lot of people who doesn't like me in life, no wonder there are people who aren't willing to talk to me or look at me a certain way. The way I perceive to others, the way I treat others, it's really hard for others to get close. Perhaps that's the reason why although I got elected into student government office with everyone together, I was the furthest from everyone although everyone were strangers. I was unable to get close to others like how everyone can, and I didn't understand why, but I finally do now.  

            I purposely try to stay far away from people because sharing emotions, and just truly expressing myself seems to mainstream. My ex boyfriend before this one complained to me about how I never shared with him what bothered me. When I cry, when I suffer, when something happens in my family, I would cry to him in person, cry to him on the phone, but I wouldn't usually tell him anything, ever. And he told me that one day I'd be able to find someone who I can truly share all my thoughts and feelings with, because obviously I don't care about him enough to even share anything. And perhaps it's true, that even when we broke up, I couldn't share anything with him, sure there's a part of me who wanted to but I couldn't.

            Let's not even start with the ex before that one, I couldn't even talk about what I want or say what I want around him because I liked him so much I was way too shy to say anything or express anything. And of course, I didn't truly accept him for who he was, because he was in remedial classes and was dumber academically, plus telling me he was going to the Navy, I broke it off with him because I didn't see a future with him.

            And now, enough with break other people's heart and feeling, this current one finally took a stand and broke it off with me. Of course he didn't know the person I was a few years back or probably he'd long break off with me, and or even worst, never dated me.

            But I want to make a change in my life, like I promised myself. I am going to be his positive "bundle of joy" (what he used to call me), even if I can't be with him, the next person I am going to be with wouldn't see the bad side of me, or at least with this much flaws. I am going to make a lot of changes in my life to ensure I don't stray from my path again. I would wish everyone would give me prayers this time around because I didn't realize how much I loved him until I finally lost him. He was so amazing to me, and yet I keep breaking his heart and feeling, making him feel uncomfortable when I know he's already feeling insecure. I knew it in my heart that he was insecure, but deep inside I really liked to see him feeling insecure because it's so cute when he gets jealous. I love that about him, him getting jealous, I guess I like guys who gets jealous, but I shouldn't have let that get out of hands. When my first got with me, he often gets jealous, or I would make him jealous, I guess its something many girls, including me like to do , but such a bad hobbit because I know if anyone would do it to me, I would probably hate it.

            But whatever happens, I really don't know yet, all I know is there will be positive changes. In my heart, I really don't want to lose him, but if I truly have to then I will. Not saying I will completely leave his life, because I know I probably won't be able to ever do that, but slowly leave him until I can one day truly let go.

            Letting go is the hardest process of life, especially when you're so used to someone. This is why I hate relationships, it's like you build this amazing friendship and suddenly all the time and effort goes down the drain, when you break up.

            Next week I am traveling off, and he is going to take me to the airport even though he broke up with me. My last chance to get to talk to him or see him again, properly anyways, as a status of an true ex girlfriend anyways. When I leave for this trip, things are either going to work out, or they're not. I wrote it in my letters all the true feelings I have, along with attaching a journal of my day to day starting from the break up that I am planning to give to him.

            Whether or not he changes his mind and wants to start over with me, and give us a new start over chance, or not, its truly up to him. And there's pretty much nothing I can do but to sit down and pray. People say when you pray hard enough for someone you truly want to keep, God will hear your pray. Although I don't believe in God, I want to use everything and anything I got. I like him so much I don't want to lose him. Ever. I am giving it my all to get this relationship back this time, because there won't be another break up again. And I hope he believes in that too, and that he believes in me, and want to give us another chance at it. If not, my friend are right, I am young, there are chances where I may find better suiters, its just whether or not I want them or not.

           Anyways, I won't be able to talk to him until next week at the week of my department I told myself. Because if my feelings conflict and I talk to him this week, I know I wouldn't be able to go with my words of this change I so desperately want. And so I hope my plans don't back fire on me, and that he doesn't get too used to loneliness and wants to stay alone stay single. There's so much things I hope for in my life, but this is something I truly want and I hope I don't go back and look and regret it one day.

           Readers, please pray for me, pray for good things to happen. Pray my boyfriend would understand me and give me another chance to start over. 

"I don't want to be in a relationship" talk

I saw this and this definitely explains how I feel. All of it.

He says, “He DOESN’T Want a Relationship” – What Does That Mean?

Posted by Nadine Piat

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Ladies listen carefully and never forget this…

When a man says he doesn’t want a relationship it means; HE DOES NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP now or with you… SIMPLE

A man tells you more about who he is and what he wants in the first two weeks of knowing him than he probably will in the proceeding weeks.  And unfortunately most women do not listen and pay attention to these clear indicators.

To all the broken hearted women out there who fell for the unavailable man – cry if you need to, grieve the fantasy, and then quickly move on… to a special and powerful place of self-love and new love.

It’s time to really get this valuable love lesson, and not only for your emotional wellbeing, this lesson will astronomically move you closer to REAL love, the kind of love that feels really good!

NOT… good, bad, good, terrible, painful, good, painful… that’s not how love is supposed to feel.

LOVE TIP:  PAY ATTENTION to how a man treats you and what he says, NOT what you WANT to hear or believe.

To make this all the more confusing; some men treat women well in general, even the women they sleep with yet don’t see a future with.  Most women assume that because he’s nice to her that he may want something more after all.

A good guy will tell you if he only wants something casual – what you do with that information is the difference between – frustration and hurt AND finding real commitment and love.

Women make a huge mistake by thinking one or more of the following:

• He’ll change his mind once he spends more time with me
• If the sex is good enough and I please him enough he’ll commit to me
• He’ll be ready for a relationship soon and I’ll be right here, cause I’m kind of like his girlfriend anyway
• He’s so nice to me it must mean he likes me

The moment a guy tells you he doesn’t want a relationship, although he likes you enough to hang out, BUT not interested in anything serious is the moment that defines all…

Why would a healthy minded, high value, gorgeous woman hang out with a man when he doesn’t want a relationship, WHEN SHE DOES?

Sometimes the guy really does like you although the timing is terrible, he’s just broken up with someone and/or still emotionally attached.  Some men won’t feel ready for commitment when certain areas of their life are not as they would like it to be, such as; not happy with his career, lost his job, not divorced yet, doesn’t feel as though he’s financial successful enough for something serious, etc.  It’s still the same thing – he doesn’t feel ready, therefore he’s not wanting a relationship right now.

Thank you 
http://healthyyouhealthylove.com/he-says-he-doesnt-want-a-relationship-what-does-that-mean/

Here are my tips for you:

1. Thank him for being upfront and honest
2. Decide if you want something casual or not
3. If you’re open to something casual you must know that that’s what it is.  Casual. Nothing more.
4. If not, be his friend only.  Do not sleep with him.  If he wants you in his life he needs to sort himself out.
5. Have NO expectations.  He may never sort himself or be ready.
6. Do NOT fantasize what it be like to be with him – he could be a terrible partner, so do not make up a story of how amazing he is.  You don’t know that.  Which leads to my next point…
7. You have your own life and catch up with him when it suits you only, he is NOT your priority
8. Date other men and do this properly, as your priority. Be OPEN to someone who’s ready for a relationship.
9. If you cannot spend time with him without having a strong yearning to be with him, or deep down you’re hoping that he’ll change his mind, then don’t see him at all.  Women make a good habit or torturing themselves.  Do not see him.  Move on. You have to trust that if he’s right for you, he will sort himself out and pursue you.  Hanging on like a bad smell doesn’t give him space to sort himself out.  You’ll still there HANGING ON to whatever he’ll give you.

The man worth your time is a man you will feel good around, safe, secure and appreciated.

A man who’s interested in a relationship with you will:

• Be happy to wait a while before having sex
• Wants to see you during the day, not just at night (or not just for a quickie)
• You may not have sex every time you see him (it’s not all about sex)
• He will want to see you on Friday and/or Saturday nights  (before 9pm!)
• After a few months he wants you to meet his friends and family
• He’ll talk about what you can do together in the future
• He’ll introduce you as his girlfriend (not as a “friend”)

So to all of the wonderful women who have fallen for Mr. Non-Commital, the lesson is – Listen and hear what he has said, pay attention to his actions, and when you know something isn’t feeling quite right then it probably isn’t.

Be strong enough to walk away from someone who doesn’t want the same things as you, and do so earlier rather than later.

You’re better off single and available for the right guy, not the guy who you want to be the right guy.

HE SAID SHE SAID

I feel like everytime when I am finally getting closer to my boyfriend, I would always end up finding something that I didn’t know that he did that made me end up feeling uncomfortable again. Honestly, I hate it, and honestly I hate that he’s doing that. Right when I thought we are closer than ever, right when I thought that we finally are honest to each other and faithful, I was scrolling through facebook and one of the picture Mary was tagged in, Alfonso was holding her hand down by the beach, like what the fuck? Excuse me? Why the hell are you holding her hand, when in the picture Yoshi was walking perfectly fine. Shit, if she needs help, Yoshi can help her, you don’t need to be her shiny knight coming to rescue. Am I being too paranoid considering he was going on a 5 day catalina trip with a Christian group, and with people like her, this kind of things should be okay? I don’t know. And I guess it doesn’t help when he’s bestfriend that’s a girl lets call her Minnie tells me that he and the other girl let’s call her Megan are way closer and more intimate than they were. Then Minnie goes on telling me how he gives Megan intimate tight hugs that last ten minutes, I am just here like what the hell. On one hand he seems like a trust worthy guy, and on the other hand I hear his best friend telling me things like this and then go on and tell me not to trust me. This honestly makes me question a lot of things. I went on one 3 day trip with Minnie, who I hated for the longest time, or…well not hate, just dislike a lot, more like jealous over because Minnie and my boyfriend would always be together, and often more than we ever were together.

I don’t know, something about opposite sex friendship just don’t really work out so well. And honestly it just doesn’t help when someone he claims to be close with, someone who he breaks up with me for is telling me that he flirts a lot with other girls and that he gives long hugs. Honestly what the hell am I suppose to do when I hear shit like that? I obviously cannot just ignore it, but honestly I can’t take into account because I haven’t heard his side of the story, but I feel like no matter what he says I can’t really believe him because my boyfriend have the tendency to change stories around, etc.

All these leaves me stuck at the same place. God, I should really just stop going on facebook and checking out their pictures, because honestly no matter what I feel like I always end up finding something that my boyfriend end up not telling me about and me going all anal about it.

I am grateful that I have a blog to release my anger and my jealousy although I kind of doubt anyone would follow up with this blog and read it, after all it’s a dumb blog that doesn’t make sense half of the time. Half of the things I say here doesn’t even make sense because of my inconsistency and stuff. I should just either move on and find a better boyfriend who doesn’t do things like that, or I stay and tries to trust him. Because whatever this is, its not working. Shit. What the hell though, holding a girl’s hand at the beach? You don’t see me holding someone else’s hand at the beach. 

HBD

Today's mother's birthday. Its been so long since shes been gone, that I am slowly losing my touch, slowly losing my memory of her. And honestly it's not okay. Its messed up of me to have forgotten her as a person and only think of her when I need someone to miss, someone to grieve, someone to cry about and someone to miss. She's always the one I turn to when I have no one to turn to and she doesn't deserve this.
She'd want me to move on from this, but as her only daughter I don't think its right for her to go forgotten unless she is emotionally needed.

So here I am writing a post to dedicate to her:

She's not the most perfect mother, like everyone, she's got flaws. In fact a lot of flaws, but honestly I loved my mother. However I never expressed that love enough, I always cried so much and whine so much. She loved me she spoils me, even though we don't have the money for a lot of things, she'd still be able to use what she have to make sure i get the things I need and sometimes want.
We don't go out and eat the fanciest dinner, we don't go out and we don't have the fanciest celebrations, on my birthday we don't do much but we'd still have fun. I dont think there was a time where I thought my life was unfair because of money or because we weren't able to do things.

The truth is, I am a "bastard-child". Or according to Urban Dictionary "A child born to unmarried parents, see Love Child". I guess a better way of saying it according to Urban Dictionary I'm her "love child", or in a sense, "the illegitimate offspring of unmarried parents". It wasn't until a long time later that I knew the truth, it wasn't until my mother passed away that I knew the truth.

Don't get me wrong, even though she kept me in the dark all those years growing up, I never questioned her much regarding it. I recall often asking "Why can't dad stay?", because growing up I recall there were days where we'd all go out together, just mother, dad and I and always at the end of the night, dad would leave and if he stays by my bedside, by the time I wake up, he'd be gone.

I recall hating my mom for that, hating that she wouldn't insist on him staying. Hating that dad have to leave every night. Honestly, I don't remember much of whether or not I questioned her about why dad leaves at the end of the day every time he drops by, but in my memories, I believed that I thought that its normal to have a dad that leaves and comes back now and then.

I didn't have friends or at least much in those year, and end up spending most of my days with my mother. She quitted her job selling tie in the mall once she gave birth to me and lived off of my dad's "support money". And I remember around her death, my aunt [have told me while I was sitting on her lap at the front seat of the cab, heading to the court to get offically adopted and have my name changed offically (ill talk more about this later)] brefly mentioned that my mother was a greedy person who lived off her life off of begging money from my dad and from everyone. People keep thinking that the reason she had me was so that my dad can pay for the child support and all, but hoenstly who can doubt their mother?
Espeically when growing up, I recall scenes where my dad would hand my mom money and she would refuse to take it. How can someone who refuse to take money from time to time be selfish and have a second plan in their head?
I really wish she'd have not died so young, that she'd be able to be here today and answer all my questions. And that's when I realize that I need to go back to Taiwan, and that I need to ask my aunts about my mother and how she was like before it's too late. I need to find out about everything before I can't anymore, before I truly regret it.
It was today while driving in the car that I wondered.
Did anyone remember her birthday? Do people still visit her grave? Does everyone know where she is buried? How was she like? And when did she die? How did she die? When did she die? What time was the death called? I really can't believe even to today I don't know when she died.
The stories I tell people, the essays I write and the things I end up saying are they even true? And where is the cross reference?

Mom, I love you and I am so sorry I never showed it. I really do care.  

February 28th, 2015

Relationship is such a stupid thing. Especially for those who tend to live in the past, it may be the stupidest thing ever. I am one of those who tend to look behind and live in the past. And as much as I love being able to remember the old memories, I also wish I am able to stop doing it at times. Especially at times where it is unnecessary. I am currently dating a guy who doesn’t view responsibility as something consistent, who tend to break promises and trust, and forget what he said he’d do initially. Which often gets me thinking of how I should deal with it. Like most girls, I am more towards detail orientated compare to him. Therefore I focus on a lot of the details when it comes to this relationship, but honestly, you don’t even need to focus on the detail to see this, because the truth was, his mistakes were so big its like spotting the bull’s-eye, when you’re right next to the dart board.

One of the example he had done was promising dinner, but as the night got older (because let’s be real, nights don’t get younger than it already have been) he forgot about it and just drives me home after. And with him knowing I only ate one meal, nothing comes to mind. What was I even suppose to say if I were to say something? “hey Im hungry?” I just don’t like to be the one having to remind someone to do something when they said they were gonna do. I mean if its been a while and its not something that requires a need of some sort I wouldn’t have minded. But a meal?

Furthermore, there were times where he’d ask me out on a date, or just to go out and/or hangout, but then a day later (because he always asks at the last minute) he just totally forgets about it and ask other people if they’d like to get food with him. In my mind, I am just like what the hell is he even thinking? Like am I even on his mind? Sometimes I feel like I am in a relationship by myself, sometimes I feel like I am irrelevant because of the way he treats me, but then I realize that he really doesn’t have a sense of responsibility. And when I got with him, I sort of knew what kind of person he was, but I just didn’t know he’d be that bad at a relationship.

It’s not even bad, its just commitment and common curtesy. When you say you’d do something with someone, you don’t juts break it off with them. Especially when its someone that’s your girlfriend. Honestly, sometimes he doesn’t even respect me, and he wants me to respect him, which is a bit ridiculous. How are you suppose to give respect to someone who doesn’t even do the same to you, not to mention treat you as if you’re their girlfriend.

He should’ve met the me a year or so back, the me that was in the last relationship with my ex. I was extremely demanding, not to mention complain way more than I ever did now. I don’t even have the patience to do half of the things I do now. I definitely do not tolerate half of the things I tolerate either. Which angers me a lot because of all the acceptance I have taken in.

My present? He is inconsiderate. He doesn’t think of trying to get a solution where both benefit. Sometimes I really do wonder where I am in hi heart and if he ever cared for me. I wish he wouldn’t be the way he is right now, or at least improve a bit for me. I mean yeah he have had improved a lot since he never been in a relationship before. Now instead of jumping straight to sex, he went from starting to ask about how my day was to ask I feel and if I was okay. Then from there he’d often talk to me and from there he walked me to class, and etc. trust me I am grateful for everything because I know there are plenty of relationships that are worst than mine. There are lots of abusive relationships which doesn’t end well, there are lots of people who’d leave their girlfriend once they impregnate the girl, but I know he isn’t one of those, if there’s one thing he is responsible for, it’d be that.

But he’s not considerate enough to ask if I wanted some of his food or even share much of it until he is done with it. Like what the hell am i? his trash can? This is something my ex would never do. Quiet opposite, when I was abck with my ex, he’d use all his last pennies to buy me food even if that means he’d go broke, but I feel like my present wouldn’t have done the same thing which worries me a lot. It makes me question how long we’re gonna last in this relationship.

This have recently lead me to asking myself if this is the relationship I really want. Do I really want someone like him? Is he someone I see myself happy with in the future. 

Roses and their meanings

Happy post Valentines day!
Yeah, a few weeks late, I know, I been busy with many things. Relationship is a weird things, so is jealousy. Jealousy can eat someone up inside, can make people do stupid things. And ultimately leads to sad ending of things. It triggers insecurities in people along with cold cold shivers I don't think anyone would like to feel anytime soon.
Valentines are always symbolized with red or pink roses just like how funerals are symbolized with white roses. According to sources as well as my friend who enlightened me, because I never knew the meaning of red roses, but apparently red roses proclaim "I love you." They are the ultimate symbol of romantic love and enduring passion.

So since we're on the topic of roses on their meaning by color, I might as well attach a list of the colors of the roses and the indication of their meaning below. So here it goes!

The color of roses and their meaning: 

The color of a rose can have a very different meaning from what you intend. Whether you are sending a single rose or a bouquet, there is a message to the symbolism. To ensure that your love understands what the particular roses that you bestow mean, check this guide to rose colors and their meanings:

Red Roses
Red roses proclaim "I love you." They are the ultimate symbol of romantic love and enduring passion. 

Yellow Roses
Yellow roses indicate friendship and freedom -- so don't send them if your intentions are romantic and long-lasting; you could actually be insulting the recipient! Yellow roses are also appropriate for sending congratulations to newlyweds, graduates, Texans, and new mothers. 

Pale Pink Roses
Pale pink roses connote grace, gentleness, and gratitude. While they may look youthful and delicate, they are as sturdy as any other rose.

Light Pink Roses
A joy to behold, light pink roses express fun and happiness. 

Deep Pink Roses
Deep pink roses say "Thank you." They have also come to be associated with the fight against breast cancer. 

Lilac Roses
Lilac roses indicate the sender has fallen in love at first sight with the recipient and is enchanted.

White Roses
Pure white roses symbolize truth and innocence. They also send other messages: "I miss you" and "You're heavenly." 

Peach Roses
Peach roses speak of appreciation and gratitude.

Coral Roses
Coral roses express one thing with their passionate color: Desire.

Orange Roses
Orange roses communicate enthusiasm and desire on the part of the sender.

White Roses + Yellow Roses
A symbol of harmony.

Red Roses + Yellow Roses
A message of happiness and celebration.

Red Roses + White Roses
An indication of bonding and harmony.

More Rose Symbolism: 
While roses are traditionally presented in bouquet form, these are also acceptable:

Single Red Rose
"I love you" (but I'm not going to go broke telling you).

Single Rose Any Color
"I thank you" (and I'm still not going to go broke saying so).

Two Roses Entwined
An engagement or marriage is imminent.

So up there is pretty much the meaning for them. So be careful when you're gifting roses to your cared ones, and choose the right set of roses. It's pretty funny because I have actually recieved yellow roses from my ex before, but I love yellow, so that wasn't really a problem. And plus they were dyed in sparkles and wrapped amazingly, how can i ever reject?

Besides that, happy february! And I will try to keep this as updated as possible even though it'd probably just be a blog for me, myself and I. (no readers *cry cry*)


but here attached is a video explaining in more detail i believe....i never really watched it so yeah haha
click me to watch it

Materialistic

I feel like every girl are materialistic at some point in their life. They may not act it, but they think it. Many of the time they think, "oh i am not like everyone else, I am not materialistic." But trust me, if you're not, you wouldn't wish you were part of fairy tale sometimes, you wouldn't get jealous of other people's relationship being perfect, and you wouldn't have a wishlist or a what i am going to get, or what i am going to bribe my boyfriend or a guy in to getting for me. 

I guess the difference is whether you're on the high/point of no return materialistic or just a little materalistic here and there. And honestly i can see myself being in the middle, but not so much anymore now that I am with present because i know of his budget. 

But am I a materialistic person? My ex used to buy me everything I ever wanted because I never got whatever I wanted in my life when I live with my parents. My ex always wanted to compensate for the things I have lost by buying me things, and that is a very nice thing he is doing. He even got a tutoring job because he was unable to afford a lot of things in the relationship that he wanted to afford. He wanted to buy me nice things and take me to nice places and he really works hard for it. And I am honesty grateful for a boyfriend like that, I mean yeah he doesn’t have to actually work to pay off his new car, his dorm, and his tuition, but he does what he can for me because his mom only gives him limited allowance. He is unafraid to spend it all on me, when he is near broke, he still tries to buy me the best things. He watch out for me, and always put me first, and I guess I am used to that kind of care.

Now that I am with present, he doesn’t do the exact same thing as my past. I mean yes he cares for me and he does show lots of patience for me which my past didn’t. he would go out of his way and back in the days, put me even before his education. He valued me pretty high up the chain. Something not all boyfriend would ever do for their girlfriend, especially in these days?

But I guess you always compare it to other people’s best and worst. Sometimes I would think to myself and wonder in the end if this is all worth it. If choosing present was the right choice, because sometimes I feel like he values himself way more than me, and I guess in some sense it makes sense since if you don’t love yourself how can you love others. But then if you love others, won’t you always try to put them first?

When I am sick, when I am on my period, when my throat hurts and when I have a fever, depending on the condition my past would come barring gifts, not just any gifts but porridge or cough drops or food and medications. He would drive all the way from Burbank in the middle of the night in the middle of working on his projects just for me. He would make food and cook for me, and he would always tuck me in and make sure I am not cold when I sleep with him. And offer to take care of me and go stay at his dorm when I am sick because he knows no one would take care of me and no one would even know when I am sick.

On the other hand present sometimes gets me medication with water, he doesn’t offer to get me food when I am sick or constantly ask if I am okay. He doesn’t give me morning text to tell me to eat well and stay warm and dress in jackets. There’s just so much in so much past did that present never did that saddens me. i love my boyfriend, I love present, don’t get me wrong. He have so much flaws, he never cared for another as much as he did for me, I should be happy. I was his first that he have been so patient, so close, so understanding and gave so much chances to. I should be grateful and lucky.

I overlook all his flaws, his mistaken past because I love him, I care a lot for him and I know somewhere inside me I will never leave him. However sometimes I would just wish he’d be more caring in some aspects of life, and put me a little before him, just when I am sick or when I have my period.

Am I being materialistic when I get a little sad of the fact that asking my boyfriend for a item even though he is broke? He called me materialistic, but honestly comparing to how I was when I was with my ex, I don’t see myself being materialistic at all. I don’t even know anymore. What do I do?

Self, stop being ungrateful and be thankful that he have sticked around with you for this long. And I also understand that i shouldn't be comparing relationships since afterall, not all relationship are the same and non of them should be perfect. All relationship have flaws, and this was our flaw. I should embrace it and accept it. Maybe its for the betterment of mankind

Micro-arguments - Patience

Ever since getting back after break up, I been nothing but forgiving, if not more patient. But instead I get nothing back, I feel like I give more than I get. Sometimes I don’t know if this is worth my time or not, sometimes I feel like I don’t even know anymore, and it is especially time like this.

Everytime when I get mad at him, I calm myself down, I think about what I committed and I take a deep breath. Honestly I have been way more patient than I ever had been in my whole life with him because he means a lot to me for me to get in small argument about with. And today, just now, we got into an argument simply because I was typing on my computer and I couldn’t tell him what I was typing. I was still talking to him via skype, and typing a journal entry about Valentines day, and obviously im not gonna tell him oh I am writing about how I don’t know what gift to get guys because my ex loved hello kitty and he doesn’t, because that’d just pretty much tell him about this upcoming Valentines day and me not having a gift ready for him. And so I told him that I was doing nothing. So much typing so little words, I guess he got suspicious or curious and frustrated because I was semi lying, so he faced the side at first, I stopped all the things I was doing and I was like “Bae, bae” but of course, he didn’t respond, so I continued my typing of the entry. Only little did I know it lead to him closing his webcam, and follow by a hangup. This got me mad, because what gives him the damn right to hang up on me and be mad when I try to talk to him and he just refuse to talk.

If he wants to get mad then fine, but honestly when he is the one in the beginning of this new relationship telling me that he want me to stop getting mad at the little stuff, I had higher expectations for him when it comes to anger management. And not hanging up just because of the small things I do was just one of them. I was expecting something better from him since he was the one setting it up. There were countless times where he have done things that ticked me off or got me mad because of the way he did it, how thoughtless he was, or just how unboyfriend like it was. I was hurt many times, my feelings got in the way of things many times. He lied to me many times and there were plenty of where that came from, and he can’t even oversee this one just got me really mad, like really, because I am honestly not ready for another break up, but I am not up for another argumenet like this. I signed up for some peace, I signed up for having less argument if not non because I cared for him that much, and sometimes I just feel a little one sided when he refuses to see it that way. I know when I got into the relationship that he said he didn’t love me, that he only cared for me, that things wouldn’t turn out the way I wanted it to be, and I accepted that. I guess I just have too high of an expectation out of this relationship. There are times where i wish my feelings would stop, that I would stop being so emotional about things like this and let it go, and pretend like I don’t care, like I am fine but I am not.

If I am able to give in my anger, and give up on being mad, and reason things out and be more patient, what gives him right to get mad at me and hang up when I don’t even do them anymore. It makes no sense to me. Maybe I am just thinking this too much, I should stop.

Sigh. This is what I signed up for, this is what I know what I was getting into, and I should be okay with this regardless.

That’s it for tonight. Good night everyone. I will updated on the Valentines day post later this week or tomorrow depending on when I can write it without feeling what I am feeling right now. 

Goodbye 2014, hello 2015

Happy new year, happy 2015. A lot of things happened, the good, the bad, and just plenty of drama. Honestly, the year barely started and there are already more drama than there was compare to last year. My present broken up with me once again because he says he wasn’t ready for the relationship. He says that he only cares for me but not love me the way I do and it is unfair to me. That it would be better off if I go find someone else rather than him, I will get treated better and I deserve better. I understand where he is coming at. I know there may be guys that will treat me better, that will probably love me better, and taken care of me better than him ever will, but honestly he is the only one I can see long term. He is patient to me, understanding, and accepts my terrible attitude problems when a lot of the others would turn away or ignore me. He calms me down and tries his best to be there for me, and it was because of me, that caused his past few semester to fail terribly. He had me on his priorities that he didn’t do much else besides seeing me, and that caused an effect that both me and him had to pay. For me, I will be seeing him less because he have to focus on prioritizing his things, and next semester he will be attending to another community college because he failed math three times here, or in this case, withdraw twices and “D”ed once. To be fair, I was only the cause of his two Ws, nothing to do with the “D”, however I was in his math class when he “D” the class. It is weird how I was presence in all of the math failures he had, but because of that he can’t take it at the current community college anymore (well that particular math class anyways).

There were multiple times where I thought about it and i regretted dragging him out and hanging out with him late every day, knowing that he have class the following day. Our relationship was never that healthy to begin with. We had sex nearly every day of the week in the summer, and were inseperateable. The funniest thing to that, well it really isn’t that funny, but I guess you can say the most confusing part of that relationship was we were not together yet. We actually barely started in the summer, and we did it nonstop. At that point, I was confused to what we were, whether he sees us as dating, sees us as a friend for benefit thing or the no string attach thing? Because I was confused down to the last tissue in my body. I didn’t understand what we were doing because all the things happened too fast.

It started when one day he took me out to the mountain to look at views when we were sight seeing because I was stressed. It was beautiful, but we didn’t stay there and view it for long, it was a long quiet period I can recall, but slowly we kissed and from there things escalated quickly. All those times where he’d drive up there into the middle of no where and we’d embrace each other was the nicest times although confusing.

The most embarrassing part to the story I guess was the fact that my ex boyfriend, the only one I had sex with before my present, was Asian, and the stereotypes were right about Asian men with small penises. Because he had a small penis, small and thin, like a stick, and even that hurted when we had sex, imagine how its going to be like with my present, who is not Asian.

I think this is the only time I am going to talk about my sex life, I hate to say this, but I don’t think my ex ever popped my cherry because his penis was too small. Because after the first time with my present, I was bleeding, and he and I never understood why I bled that day, but now putting that logic to it, I meant that would make so much sense.

The truth is, I never liked intercourse until I met him, I guess that day I forced myself to have it, it hurted a lot more than it did with my ex, obviously, but I took it in. And slowly (it still hurts the following few times), gradually, it stopped hurting as much, and now it doesn’t. I guess I am not an exception and there was nothing wrong with my vagina like my ex kept claiming, and I do like sex, I guess its just not something you can force onto someone or pressure someone to like.

He have tried to get me to like it for too much of a time that I guess it builded onto my mind set that I should do it just because it should be done. I never thought of it as a enjoyment, I mean maybe because of porn, it gives this false image of how sex is suppose to be like or how a relationship sex should be like when honestly, it shouldn’t be anything like that.

A couple who have sex is supposed to be at the time when both of them are comfortable in advancing, and ready to advance and their speed. Sometimes one can be slower, and that’s okay, that’s why the other wait, because good thing comes to those who wait. (its ironic how I am the one who says it when I have the least patience, but its true, and I have experienced that myself throughout 2014) For those who actually reads this blog, which probably is close to 0, but for those who do, believe me and all those things I say, because I speak from experience. If one forces you to do things you’re not comfortable doing, then the truth is, they don’t love you and you probably most likely deserve someone better.

Looking back 2014 was truly a unique year where I experienced a lot of things I never knew I’d experience. And I am grateful I experienced them. Now that we are moving on to 2015, I hope things are gonna become better, less sad stories happening and hopefully no more broken heart (present, stop breaking up with me when you’re at your lowest point in life!)

AND LET 2015 START FROM TODAY, FORGET THE PAST WEEKS, BECAUSE THOSE DEPRESSING THINGS DON'T COUNT AND WAS NEVER PART OF MY LIFE!