Bipolar over reactant sister

My sister, no offense, but constantly reminds me of someone that I don't want to become. From her emotional stressed state, to her emotionally angry state. Like okay I understand that your the head of this house and you have the power to yell and scream but please don't be dumping your emotional state on us. Like let's be honest, why was she dumping her emotion onto us and accusing us of not appreciting her work? I mean okay, first thing first, if no one eats much of it, it obviously means that it doesn't taste that good. Why are you trying to force people to like it? I mean it's by choice. My sister called out dinner and then follow that she's like get some rice and heat it up yourself, and sure enough there were other frozen left over food on the counter that she tooked out, so I just assumed it was a free for all. Then the next thing I know she started getting pissed off because I approached the purchased left over sticky rice that is probably a week old or if not, older rather than the sticky rice she made yesterday. Claiming that I am not appreciating her food, it's like what the hell? Eat this I get in trouble then why are you putting onto the table for free for all? And second, there were no other sticky rice I saw on sight. I mean my bad for not knowing there are sticky rice in the rice maker, and taking the one week old+ sticky rice would cause you to get furious. I mean shit, give me a break. Then she starts to get ticked off, I mean does yelling at other people make yourself feel better? I sure hope that you like being selfish. Shit. Thinking that you're all nice and all, think again. Holy shit. So after that she started saying "I'm pissed off this I'm angry that and ultimately I am so mad blah blah blah" like shit calm your anger, no one is arguing with you. God damn it, made all my appetite fade away. Like for reals. And if you're reading this some other time, well let's just assume you manage to actually find my blog, then let me tell you, I threw the portion of stick rice you made that I got on my plate away, because it was just too gross to swallow after all those things you stuff down all of us. Sigh. I mean is she pmsing? I sure hope she doesn't go on fucking medapause or else I think I would probably suffer from far depress. 

Good bye spring in winter.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!(:

This will probably be one of the last post I post this year, not because I am constantly busy, or because I'm lazy or go out too often, but because my heart is broken into pieces. It all started a few days ago when my friend asked a waiter for a number for me. He's dashingly cute, tall, great face feature and just everything about him makes me smile. I guess it's just love you know. In love, guys tend to look flawless in comparison. "I'm going to find someone someday who might actually treat me well" 

"Now it's too late for you and your white horse to catch me now"

Sigh Taylor swift knows how I feel :( 

Well anyways so I got his number, we texted a bit and then he stopped texting, and from then? Never again :( you have no idea how my heart broke that day (which is the very same day) where he stopped replying. Sigh. 

I mean can someone give me a tip on how to communicate with him? I mean :( is he not interested in me because our text was boring? Or did he just give me his number just because it's hard to reject on the spot? 

Sigh I don't even know. I kinda just gave up I guess. Good bye the ten dollars my friend waged on the table :( good bye everything else. >_< I think I'm just gonna cry myself to a broken heart tonight.

I mean this is weird because this is the first time being rejected so hard :( but then again I really suck at chasing after people, I mean if you know me and look at the people I fell for and chase after, it's like did you really do that? 

Haha, yeah :(. 

Well back to this guy who I guess I just revealed his name because of the picture. 

HE PROBABLY LIED ABOUT NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN :( GAHH I can't believe I actually wanted his number :( and I can't believe I assumed he would like me.  Sigh, why is chasing guys so hard? Only if it was easier. But then again, he's like 29 years old, a bit too old for me huh. :/ yeah it's kinda funny story too. As a kid I was always like, I'm not going to date anyone older than at most 3 years older and never someone younger, yet today I'm fine with Bryan, who is like what! Ten years older than me! ARG! Stupid jenny :( you're just like stabbing yourself in the chest for doing that. Accepting someone into your heart who doesn't even probably feel a thing for you but pity and awh. Your only 19, not like 27 or 28! Good bye Bryan. 

Well anyways :( one of my sisters friend, he's like 40 something? He is dating this girl the same age as me. Crazy stuff. Haha the ironic part is a few years back, my sister joked with him about how he can date me, when I was like less than ten years old. And he was like, "oh your sick!" And today, guess what? He's dating someone my age. Hahaha ironic I know, but he's a baby face like this guy I know from college, so he really doesn't look that old yet. Well but yeah. 

Sigh diary, this is crazy, I can't get him out of my head, Bryan. :( at least if he doesn't want me to text him, don't avoid me, just don't give me your number in the first place! Gosh. #problemwithguys

Seriously. 

short parental relationship one, [incomplete]

Parental relationship is so complicated, especially the ones who blames you on things that you never would do, well not to your parents anyways, and then expect you not to react much to it. I mean am I spoiled for saying such thing? My mom blame me for being selfish for wanting to finish my job early so i can go back to talking to my friends, but just to be honest, i did that to help out my mom so she would have the carry less. I never thought of hurrying myself, because i mean if i wanted to hurry, then i would have just ran up and down. but then again i am lazy as well.

Occupational Interview : Wesley Chan from Wongfu Production

[This was a college assignment I had to work on for one of my classes. For the assignment, I had to interview a person with an occupation, and luckily, prior to the week that is due, it was Wesley Chan's ticket stop event from WongfuProduction, and I thought I would give it a shot. And here is the interview, I thought I should share it among everyone!] Warning, some of the words I may repharse a bit to make the sentence flow, and others may have lacked some words because it was a meet and greet and I didn't ask all the questions I thought I had. Please don't take my exact word for it. Thank you!] And shoutout to Wesley Chan! (: thaaaank you so much for letting me take time out of your day to interview you!

24 November 2013

Occupational Interview

~~*~~*~~

For the following interview, I went to a meet and greet of one of the famous film writer/director well know on internet and asked him if he would do me a favor, allowing me to interview him for one of my classes, which is counseling 17. Thankfully, he was nice enough to agree to it even though it was during his meet and greet event. There may be some awkward responses below due to my nervousness in asking the questions, so just fair warning. Some question because it seems very repetitive, or maybe its  just because my interviewee answers it very detailed that one of his answer can simply cover three questions in the sheet. So I may skip some, however, I will leave down a reference so its easier for anyone to look back at the previous answers. And for some because I don’t have his direct quote, I will write from my own perspective from my memory.

Simple Biography of Wesley Chan:

Wesley Chan is a UCSD graduate who majored in visual arts, and started his career as filmmaker/director as soon as he graduated, if not during his senior year. It all started when he met his two classmates Phillip Wong and Ted Fu. These trios made their legacy through uploading their videos on the internet back when internet was just getting off its feet. Soon, when YouTube was created, they became even better known to the public as Wongfu Production. They were invited to many places as speakers, and soon they had their world tour, showing their fans worldwide their videos live, along with meet and greets. Wongfu Production now not only make films and movies for a living, they also have their own clothing line called “Are you a nice guy?”, along with their popular plush sets called “awkward animals” that have been constantly expanding. Now, they have been around for a decade, their fans have grown from a few thousands who subscribed to their show all the way to national wide simply from making little videos here and there.

1)      How did you started in this field?

Well, I was a visual arts in University of San Diego, and during the classes I took, I met Philip and Ted. Back then, we started making videos just for fun. It started from vlogging (or video logs) to short films. People started watching and the audience grew around the country. It was unexpected. And finally in senior year we decided to try something new, and made a movie. And through all those short films and the movie, we were invited to different universities to give speeches and talks, and that was when we realized, we have stumbled upon something, and it was then that we decided to foster it and nature it. It was simply unplanned.

2)      What do you like the most and least about you job?

What I like the most about my job is being able to have the freedom to create and make videos, along with being able to share it with the world. And as for the least, it is the uncertaincy of where things are headed.

3)      What is your typical day like?

Every day is different, some days we would stay in the office and have the “office life”, editing films, writing script and putting things together and on the other days we would be out shooting films. We never have a set typical day, because one day we can be giving a speech in UCSD for falls convention, and another day we could be flying to London like last week.

4)      What emerging trends do you see affecting your job or industry in the next five years?

 I think as technology and social media progress is something exciting. And because of this progressment, you need to be more unique and stand out more than everyone else to be able to stay on top. For example, the Asian Community needs to stay together, because it is still a young industry for Asian filmmakers. It is way too early for each of us to go off on our own.

5)      What skill set of skills and abilities will I need to be successful in this line of work? What kinds of task do you do on a typical day or in a typical week?

In order to be in this field, you definitely need to be passionate about filmmaking, not to mention the need of being creative in all senses. You need to care about community, and not be afraid to take chances, especially being able to adapt to new skills and obstacles that comes at you.  [as for the second part regarding the task, reference back to question 3, which he explained pretty much that part, due to time convenience, I decided to skip the ones that are similar to each other, or can answer each other’s question]

6)      What type of task do you spend most of your time doing?

[Due to the fact that his task are different by day, it is spread out throughout the year depending on what they are focus more towards that time/month/season/event]

7)      What do you like best about this job?

[Answered back in question 2, when he answered what he likes most about his job. Which he stated that it was being able to travel worldwide, to places he himself has never though he would have been.]

8)      What are some of the more difficult or frustrating parts of this career?

Because we are or own bosses we need to be thinking about how to sustain, and run our own company twenty-four-seven. And since we are also our own employees, we have to be always on the clock.

And as for the frustrating parts, during the Europe trip I realize that we cannot please everyone because people tend to be disappointed. And it is really hard to be able to look past that  since we are trying to represent Asian Americans in the film industry, yet we cannot please everyone. However, we cannot complain about this, rather, all we can do is try our best to please everyone.

9)      What characteristics does a person need to have in this job?

To be able to do this job, a person needs to be creative, unique, passionate, and really have desire and love for the filmmaking industries, rather than doing it just for the name and fame. [Reference back to question 5 and the last question.]

10)  Is this career changing? How?

Because the social media is expanding, this career is getting more competitive and well know in compare with back the; it has became more challenging for the new comers who want to aim for the top or to become successful to be noticed today.[Reference back to question 4.]

11)  What kind of hours do you work?

Due to the fact that they are their own bosses, their hours are flexible, and as for the hours, it depends on what they are working on that particular day. [Reference back to question 3, 8, and 12]

12)  Is your schedule flexible or set?

Their schedules are flexible, since each day their schedules are different/flexible by activity of the day, it starts and ends differently as well. [For extended information, please look over at question 8 and 11]

13)  Does this career include or require travel?

Yes, this career includes travel. As Wesley explained during the interview, in order to get in touch with their fans worldwide, it is an important part of the job to be able to meet, greet and outreach to their supporters nationwide.

14)  How does this career affect your lifestyle?

It is still something Wesley tries to wrap his head around, “because its social media, my lifestyle consist of more travel, and I have been to places I never thought I would have been to”. He explains further, “You feel closer to a lot of people with the influence of social network, and because you put so much in blog and videos you feel like you have a lot of friends. It’s this false idea like you have a lot of friends. It takes time to accept so much out in the open, especially traveling, and this whole celebrity idea, online celebrity to be particular”.

15)  How did you prepare for this career? + How did you find this job?

Wongfu production is at the right place at the right time. We started out a new, because back then, there were no YouTube, and internet video making isn’t just a job out in the open that you can major for in college. It is to the point where we didn’t know where we were going, but we were just creating the path as we go. It is mostly thanks to the audiences who watched our video and helped spread the word, because if it weren’t for the audiences, we won’t be here today making films.

16)  Do you have any advice on how people interested in this career should prepare?

If you want to be a filmmaker or someone of media through new media, first make sure you like it or enjoy it, and its something you are passionate about, it’s not something you want to do because you just want the name and fame. To prepare for this career, you need to be at a point where you are not afraid of making mistakes, because people fail many times, and with every mistake, you tend to learn to stay humble grounded. Surround yourself with many people, and try to learn from them.

Mother ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя

It was yesterday, and the day before yesterday that got me realize how much effort my mom gives in on daily life. Even though she is not my birth mother, her role in my life became bigger and bigger as the days went by. Although I tend to forget that, and be ungrateful at days, its at the end of the day that things collect itself and I find myself in my own little bubbles. Yesterday night we celebrated her birthday, and that's when I realize, nobody really appreciate her appearance much. Nobody waited for her to show up, and nobody asked where she had been the whole day, working. Even though its family dinner, I don't even see a speck of greeting. Maybe I am blind, but then the things they do , tends to be captured by me. Jay's refusal to join the family celebration and talks, instead he rather play angry bird, and minion run. The generation below me's ungratefulness, not knowing why we are gathering here today. And the in-laws who are just there because their spouse needed them to be there. My mom have to buy her own cake and do all those things just makes me angry. Why couldn't anyone else buy her a cake? She deserves more than purchasing her own cake. It was at that point I wanted to make a cake just for her, maybe a cheese cake or something like that.
On the drive back to my present's place, I gave it a lot of thoughts. I wanted to cry, it's not until I was leaving that house that made me realize how empty it was leaving it. Leaving the warm spot. How unfullfilling it was, and how much they needed me around yet I was like that. I wanted to cry, but I didn't know who to cry to. Nobody at this moment would understand how I feel, nobody. And that is just pretty sad. Thinking that I grew up all these year having so many people passing by on my life, yet nobody understand me well enough to see how I feel. Maybe I am introverted rather than extroverted. I thought of my brother, the youngest one, though still older than me, he is the third in line. He is an introvert, unlike my older brother and sister, whom are extroverts. It would make a lot of sense, but then as of now, it makes no sense at all. In fact I dont even know what I am talking about anymore. I wanted to write this blog since yesterday, but then because I was away at someone else's place, I couldn't let them see my secret blog. I couldn't let the society in, its just something I havent came in terms with yet.
No now, and probably not ever would they find this blog. I guess this place is just a place where I let out my fustration, a place where I can talk about all sort of secret and not being scared to express myself and how I feel. Although sometimes I really do wish someone would read this and talk to me, someone who would understand how I feel. Regardless of introverts or extroverts, just somebody.

Secarios we imagine; "it is easier to be said than done"

At home, in my thoughts on bed, I can imagine millions of scenario that are played through an incident. I can imagine how to approach each and everyone, and how I should encounter each and everyone of them. There is this common saying that, "it is easier to be said than done", and quite frankly I think its utterly true. We watch movies and see stupid scenes where individuals could save themselves from death, and humiliations, but what we are being tied to and am too blind to see is that we have to be in that current character's shoes to judge the action itself. We need that certainty in which we don't have. We typify characters on screen and off screen for the stupid choices they have, but how many of us actually thought of a second that we may never be in the same scenario as them. I remember as a kid, it is frustrating just to see cartoon characters freeze in the middle of the road just because they saw a car approach and is about to hit him/her. I remember I would scream and tell them to run, and think that these characters are illogical and doesn't think, but when I encountered a near car-accident experience a year back, all I could do was freeze on the spot rather than escape from such event. These things are so frustrating to deal with, yet we take it so lightly.
These past few months, I been thinking about my actions I have done in the past. I may have committed a sin that is so sinful that even a non-religious atheist believe in the term "sin". I kissed a homozygous being, or in another term, someone with the same gender as me. It wasn't that part that made me shameful of what I have done, but rather, the fact that I took no responsibility of the action made me angry. Made me ashamed of the things I done, and how I have handled it. It became awkward after that sleepover. In fact, waking up after your hormones drown out is the worst thing that could've happened. Realizing that all those things you did were just because of the moment rather than actually doing it according to your feelings were just wrongful. Especially when in the next few days, the girl I had such encountered with wrote me a four page letter confessing that she did it not for the moment, but because she grew feelings for me, What the hell self? Why did I even allow that to happen when I don't have feelings for her? It seems ridiculous then, and still seems ridiculous now to think about it. She tried calling me and talking to me because I tried to avoid her, she tried coming up to me and saying hi and still but all I can do is walk away and pretend I have errands to run and things to do. I treated her awfully, for when she was contributing her whole heart out. I was the bad guy in that friendship. If I didn't have feelings for her and she was my best friend, I shouldn't have motivated her to kiss me, or to kiss her back. I shouldn't have gave it the chance for it to happen,. nor should I have allowed it to happen.
I knew she was bi, I knew she doesn't just playing around. I knew shes kind and sensitive, yet I wrecked her like a wrecking ball. I was the reason why she ended up unfriending me and blocked me on facebook. I was the reason why every time I see her on campus or around the hall, she have to put her head down and walk away fast. I was the reason why our friendship turned from being best friends to being just awkward strangers in the street. I really want to say I miss her, I miss being able to talk to someone about things, to be able to speak Chinese openly, and being able to open up and accepted. She actually cared full time rather than my other friends caring only half of the times. Yet I dropped her hard. What was I thinking?
There were so many opportunities where I could have saved the relationship. There were so many times where we could have made up and pretended nothing have happened, yet I chose to do the selfish thing and blocked her off of my life once again.
How stupid of me? Letting one of the most important person go just because of that. Flushed it down the drain like that...
I imagined in my bed, scenaros where I see her, and apologize to her. I see myself talking to her, saying and speaking some sense, giving this whole speech trying to make up for these. But i know no matter how I say it, there would be no way things would just simply go back to normal. Her sister hates me now for wrecking her, and I dont blame her. because if was her sister, I would do the same thing.
I imagined all these different scenarios where I walk up and ask for her time, to ask her "do you hate me?" Apologizing for the years of pain I caused on her, but just now, just half an hour ago, when I saw a back shadow that seems like her but I didn't have the courage to check or even to call her out or pull her back, I felt powerless. I was shakened as if I was in front of a hundred audiences. I was afraid of facing her, all the guilt and fear rushes into my brain, paralyzing me from reaching forward, or to even open my mouth to speak up. My feet began to drag, and I began to walk slower.
She seems exactly like her, the girl seemed exactly like her. The way she walks, the way she position herself, and the way she holds her phone. It makes me think so much, my heart tells me to approach her, to talk to her, to stop her before not seeing her again. This is the chance. Yet in my brain, my logic is telling me the opposite, telling me that I am just heading into a trap. It's stupid, it is really stupid but true.
I wish there was just a time machine, going back to the time where none of these happened, going back to freshmen year, maybe even elementary school and start all over with the knowledge I have of today.

but to bad that is just a narrative of fictional sci-fi that would not happen anytime soon.

If she was reading this today,  I really would hope for her forgiveness, because I am the one at the completely fault of what is happening today.

Annoying.

This is strange, but sometimes I find myself being irritated by everyone. It is like shit what the hell. So one of my best friend is being a bitch right now and it's literally pissing me off. So on Christmas, everyone decided to do a list of the generalization of what they want. And she would just like certain item she wants, as if she's hinting them to get them that and only that. She concluded her list saying if we were to get her anything else she will not use it, and she apologized saying "sorry, but I told you"

It's like fuck. Do you not get were not fucking all rich Santa clauses like you're guy friends? Fuck. 

And after we decided to not have a list at all she fucking post her list over and over on the damn page so I deleted it out of annoyance. I mean honestly who wouldn't. Then finally she decided to comment on every fucking post. It's like shit are you god damn desperate ? Shit. and so I suddenly realize that I need two poster frames that bitch just comes in and comment shit like oh you can't be posting this because you said that I didn't get to post it. I was like fuck, the result is that you posted it and I didn't even delete your final result god damn. And now she is insisting that if I don't delete that and comment on every post like she does instead of posting then I can't post. It's like wtf? It's my party and I hps it and I can't so what I want? Shut. 

"Miley Cyrus Shocks Us Once Again" (Nude Photoshoot)

"Miley Cyrus Shocks Us Once Again 

SURPRISE. I didn’t know it was possible after the first photo shoot. But she and Terry Richardson did it again, folks."

for those of you who thinks what she did at the VMA wasn't that bad, well you might want to reconsider your opinion on her...(sorry Miley fans) 

I am really mind blown myself when i first saw this too, so don't panic. But the last one when she didn't cover her nipples I was like totally mind blowning. Like wtf what she thinking? Geez.

Well now every have seen her full body nude, well maybe besides her vageegeee, but still. Its like god damn. She recently talked on a interview, saying that she is finally showing her "true self" and she is not planning to change, instead she is going to express it more and more. It's like when you think she released her nude photo was bad enough few years back, you see this now, its like that was totally nothing back then. Well tell me what you guys think of her new photo shoot.

Leave comments below and share your responses, and please help spread my blog! :) thanks.

It's sometimes at those times that makes me wonder, at those times of argument that makes me wonder. What is happiness, and what is the secret of staying forever? Is it a long term agreement? Or perhaps a compromise of some sort? Or is it just some simple non complicated issues for say ignoring all the things that bugs you the most, the things that you wish your other half would change, those bad habbits, those things that hurt/harm your feelings? It is those moments where I end up weeping in my heart, feeling it tear a little by little, feeling the rip in my soul. It is at those moment where I ask, is it worth it to just ignore it? Is it worth the effort? Maybe it is the communication issue, and sometimes just the wrong timing, but out of everything, I definitely wish that there are those times of understanding. Something I realize my other half doesn't have. Something my previous half did have but I ignored it, something my current half doesn't have and I complain about.
      It is at these times where I wonder, was it worth it breaking off with my previous half? was it?

"Wrecking Ball" the Music Video, Miley Cyrus, and Liam (the breakage of engagement)

Have you all saw this image and maybe a few more like these? Yes, Miley Cyrus and her new music video, "Wrecking Ball" have became it hit. Maybe due to the last VMA performance Miley did that stunned practically everyone in the audience, or just maybe the nudity in the scenes.I know I have no right to say things about her or judge her, but come her, look at all her action and then you tell me that she did all these out of heartbreak. Okay, I understand, maybe a breakage of long period engagement with her beloved Liam really hurt her emotionally and perhaps physically, but that doesn't give a reason to go all out on nudity and inappropriate actions. I mean many of the fan were disappointed of her actions. I honestly loved her when she still had some dignity rather than all pole dancing around Robin Thicke, not to mention the foam finger action.

 It's like saying, yeah Miley, you look like you're definitely depress and breaking down.

Liam broke off the engagement through the convencing of his brother. He stated that he wasn't happy in the relationship, and staying in it just makes him depress. And I am not surprised, I mean look at how Miley acts now a days, I would be depress if my girlfriend fiance was like that. Shit, I would beat the crap out of her, haha just kidding. But to be honest, they really do look adorable together, no matter how she changed.

From this....

To this....

To that! 

No matter how you look at it, those two together just makes you go "daw". And even as much as I hate Miley and her actions right now, looking at these pictures really do make me smile because of how cute and compatible they look. Yes, it's a tragic that the engagement was broken off, but that doesn't mean you have to go off nude and show it to the whole world and screaming that I am going crazy now that he is gone. 

Just because a man leaves your life doesn't mean you have to wreck your own life to make things worst. And quite frankly, I don't think that is the right attitude, or the right way of trying to get Liam back, Miley. I mean I don't mean by writing a love break up song like Tayor Swift....

but then you don't have to act all Gaga or 10 times worst than Gaga and Taylor Swift Combined (no offense to them, because I actually love them very much! I'm a Swifty myself). But seriously Miley, get your track back together. Fix your image, or at least stop hurting yourself by showing your nudeness to the whole world. 

Feel free to leave comments on your thoughts and such. I'm all open.

Black Butler, the Anime Season 1 Summary

      I know its been a while since my last post, after all it was summer + the first few weeks of school. And as you know, those days are rough like wood. Anyways, now that im back, i cannot guarantee that i will stay here all the time. I may come and go depending on the time i have on my hands and the things I have planned for those days.
      I would totally go out of the way and tell you how goes my life but then things are just accumulation up, and like the usual me, forgetful and tends to not do it until the last minute. So with that in mind, things just tends to fall apart. Sigh, sophomore year is so stressful. I am two timing and stressing! So many things have came up but then I have only a short amount of time to tell you these before my time is up.So maybe i will be saving those for another time? Haha.
      Well recently I came upon this anime after Melissa recommending it to me, and boy was it nice. At first you know, like all my impression of most anime, their boring, blah blah blah. But after a while oh my god, i am in love with it so much that you have no idea. The anime is called "Black Bulter", its a two seasoned anime, which i just figured out. Season 1, its based on this young boy, who lost his loving family from the very beginning. And became vengeful of all those who were against his family and were involved in the bad murder. So he called upon a demon from hell, and held a contract with him, that once he, the demon helps the boy, Ciel with his revenge of all those that were involve, then the demon may have the right to eat Ciel's soul. So with that in mind, the demon became Ciel's butler, and from then on forward, he lived with Ciel in the mansion.
       So a little back story of the boy Ciel is that he is a Earl of the Phamtomhive, which means that his family is the queens' royal guard dog. And little did he know that the queen was against his family from the very start but didn't say anything until the end of season 1. Which I hated very very much of this film.
      And now in season 2, things became confusing; well actually let me rephrase that. Things has always been confusing in this anime, and when i searched up my question for season two, it seemed that everyone had the same question when they are watching season 2. The reason for that is by the end of season 1, Ciel though was conflicted on whether or not to kill the last victim because he was afraid of death, ended up choosing to kill the last victim, which was the queen's royal servant, aka the angel who wanted to purify the whole London by setting it all on fire. After the great battle between the two, Sabastian, the demon took Ciel off on a boat floating to a unknown place and he eats Ciel's soul. And that concluded the season.
      That was why I was surprised when i found out that there was even a season two to start with. But then its all good, that means i can last a little longer with the Ciel Sabastian love! ^____^

haha just a little diary that turned into a anime review. Well, my time's up, just stay tune for my next entry then? haha until then?

Unconciousness and Desire

      Many says unconsciousness and desire are completely two different objects, but others says their the same. If you take time to think about it, unconscious mind, uses dreams to express our inner desire. Last night I dreamed of my college good friend, let's call him J because afterall this is a blog, and we can't really be naming real people name since its all anonymous and all. So I dreamed of going to a fancy five star restruant by myself, sitting at the edge of the table eating, just a bit lonesome, with nobody around. And I felt a bit awkward and all. Then the bigger (long) table that is next to me came into focus, and on the table was this old couple, eating their appitizer salad. Then as the main course came it was J who was bringing the dish with a chef hat, representing that he probably paid the place to let him make the food for them. So in my dream, it tells me that it was J's father's birthday and he wanted to surprise him by being the chef and all. I was shocked that he would do that, and just staring at him and his chef hat. And we caught my eyes, and as our eyes met, i quickly went back to my plate of food and my book. Later on that day at the mall (the restruant was apperantly located inside the mall), he sat down on the couch next to mine, I took a look and told him to come and scoot next to me, in which he did and we started talking for a while. Then I guess I went by his house later on or something, and to find out that everyone was meeting at his house and all. (Everyone as in the people who i normally hangout with in college) And as we were sitting there at J's couch, everyone were talking to different people, and I was just glaring at random area, and later, he started chatting with me. We were having a blast or something. Then after the whole thing is over, as everyone was returning home, J was about to leave to head out, and so i asked, "where you going?" and he said oh why? I replied, because its already like 10 PM and i need a ride home. And he was like oh well what's your curfew? And i was like, I dont have one. And so he asked, if i wanted to go to a strip club with him. (this was probably from when he was checking out the 18+ magazines during our trip to fry's) I was like fine, sitting next to him I was kind of afraid of going there, because there would be a bunch of pervs, but then to think, i was also disappointed to see J becoming that type of person.
      And then the next thing you know, I woke up and that was pretty much the end of the story. I just feel like that i might have a thing for J even though i am currently with my present. I feel like I just like being tortured and being saddened. I mean right now I got most of the things i wished for you know. Present turned more patient for me, more caring and definately more understanding and all, being forgiving too, but then its just that I dont know. We always often have things we don't agree on and it's just a toll on the relationship. I just feel like sometimes he doesnt understand me and sometimes he just doesnt try to understand me. It makes me feel a but lonesome in the inside. I wish i can simply be a mind reader and read what peopel are thinking. It would maybe make my life easier. Sigh. like the saying i guess, if the boy isn't bad the girl doesn't love em'.

fuck heads. tolerance to a point that exceeds limitation

I don't normally cuss, so you know when I cuss, its something serious. When you give others a warning and expect them to not do it again, its just a stupid decision because eventually they would do it again, and what are you left with? nothing, not even the dignity you started with. Stupidity that is. Then why am I backing down, over and over again? Why don't I ever learn my lesson from the past? Strange as I thought to myself. All these years, i been living my life, strong willed, yet I constantly get tripped by the reality. How stupid can someone go for love? Just exactly how low can someone go for love. I don't know anymore, and at this point, I really don't care anymore. I want to let go, i want to spread that wing of mine and soar into the sky. How can I even do that though? In my mind, on the back of my head, it whispers, " break up" yet inside of me, with the small tint of light glowing, telling me to stay, i really don't understand what i should do anymore. How can I smile? How can i still  forgive him after all the things he did, all the unforgivable things? How come he gets to get away from all the things he does, yet I cannot get away from all the things myself? For so many countless times how i wished things would go my way, yet it doesn't. All my small expectations for him, are they really too much to ask? All i wish is somebody to care for me, to be considerate, to be there when I need someone there, and to be understanding, and yet all he wants to sexual desires and nudity. Just exactly what kind of love are we in? Do we even love each other? More like, does he even love me?
Raising this question just made me even sadder. He hides so much, and tells me so little about his life, yet I let him live in my life, its as if everything is clashing down.

stupidity i am stupidity i is.

from now on i will not be the considerate one, i will not be the direct one, he doesnt want me, why am i going through all the trouble of wanting to kiss up to someone's butt.

The most common question, "what if I am pregnant?"

It hurts a lot. It hurts a lot to realize things, and among things are the truth. I guess truth are tend to be harder than false fantasy we hoped for. Then we compare others by imagining them in the same situation but reacting to all of them better than me in my situation. Of course, what does that even mean?

I asked earlier today,actually earlier along the week, "what happens if I am pregnant?" and the answer is? "We can't handle it, I can't afford it, and both of our parents can't know about it."

Disappointed and furious, I was raged by the things he have said. What kind of boyfriend would say such thing? And then I went off to compare him with my ex and how he might have handled th situation. But oh wait, we would probably never get to that point where we have to talk about things like that till we're married.after all my current present is just another one of those men who doesn't really carry on with the consequence of his action. 

Who am I to talk though you know. So I calmed and reply, "if I am pregnant, I'll run away from home, and you will never find me,or see me again. I'll disappear in this world."

He replied, "I will find you no matter what, you can't run away from me. No matter how long it takes. You can put my words in the bank."

I just felt like, what's the point of that? If you wont take the responsibility for things like that, how do you expect me to let you find me so easily? I mean the truth is, why would you be doing that in the first place if you were to accept me and your kid? Oh wait, I forgot, you weren't gonna accept them in the first place. 

What has this world came into as? Sigh. Why did I even get to where I am?

betrayal ; la dauleur

Honesty. Just exactly how much does it worth? And who exactly have the love for them? Sometimes, I felt like the stupid ones to fall for them, sometimes I felt like my trust is ripped apart each time when a lie is set out. Just exactly how many lies am I going to take until my heart and brain both explodes?

" Just exactly how much do you value our trust and relationship? Just exactly how much do you wish to be trusted? You experienced deceiving and lost, but does that mean you have to lay its egg on the others? Friendly lie is one thing but lying to get away with something else is another. Just exactly where did you go on May 25^th when you said you were having lunch with your auntie and your mom? Great lie about going out to lunch with them huh, as great of a lie as going to car wash on May 31^st. People who lies are great, I mean as long as others don’t find out, hey, you know, live another day, why not lie about it? But when the truth hits the ground hard a few moments after the lie is out, who would be the one left behind doing the clean up exactly? Upset yes, but argument is something I don’t want.

Anniversary? Yeah its been a year Danny, we been through a lot of ups and downs, and yes we been through the lowest points many times in life and recovered from it. That will hopefully be the downiest/lowest point of your life in the relationship as well, a point where we will hopefully never return.

I don’t want us to fight over useless things that will eventually lead to breakage. I had too much of that already, I know where arguments lead to, especially this one. I understand you had your view in things, but rather lie than tell the truth, just exactly how much do I worth? Over planning a plan on top of our plan because our plan is too common while other people’s plans are rare because you don’t see them often? Please, I cancelled my plans with rare friends to hang with you no matter how often we see each other.  No matter what your reason is Danny, I want you to take your time to think about it. Was it worth a lie to me?

First time, you know, I go like hey its fine, I trust him. This will probably be the last lie. And then what happens? Bam! The second lie hits. Makes me wonder, just exactly how many lies do you have behind my back that I don’t know about? And just exactly how many of them are truthful. Hey, I know I am not suppose to doubt you, but just like the boy who cry wolf, eventually if lies keeps happening people will go from trust completely, to questioning and doubts and soon, don’t even believe a thing you say.

I want to use this anniversary to clear all of our records, to start a fresh page, because after all its been a year of us together. I don’t want us to look back just to find more reason for our supporting arguments, I want us to start new and look back because we miss some part of our lives. And of course, be together as long as possible.

At first, it hurts to see you lie while I know the truth myself. You know those post on facebook, those moments you see how stupid the other person is, trying to lie to your face, when you yourself knows the truth better than the person who’s telling the lie? Danny, I was at the point where I would scream and run out in the street screaming, but I held it in. It hurted at first, but eventually I gave it a few days, I thought of all the things you did that made me smile and slowly, the box of flame just melts away by days. Of course, within a week another one struck, harder than ever, my hatred grew, my cold sweat kicked in, and my trust for you just tumbled off the balanced board. I told myself I could trust you, I told myself that this once again would be your last time. Same day, of course, you promised that you will try your best not to plan things ontop of our plan, but hopefully with that said, you would also be truthful and honest  for not just me, but us. I want a boyfriend I am proud to say that I can entrust anything, not a boyfriend whom even lies about his whereabouts.

This few months, I have tried to be more forgiving, understanding, appreciative and more temper control to those who are close to me, I know there are still things that I am unwilling to do, but hey, I am beginning to accept some things that you want, I really wish you would respect things that I don’t want to do as much as I respect you and the things you don’t want to do. I know maybe sometimes I am stubborn, but before saying anything, think about the tone you said certain things with, if I am stubborn even when you’re talking to me in a non-grumpy tone, then scold me, soon my little conscientious will kick in and slap me. I am sensitive, and I cry a lot, it may seem like I am using it as advantage, but I don’t show tears to those who are close to me, and if you were to ask any of my friends, the only ones who really saw my tears and the amount of times they saw it, man you would be surprised that they’re meeting the same Jenny. I guess I just react more to people who are close to me, like you. So sometimes just hug and/or pat would do the trick, but I am trying to lessen my tears; but it will take sometimes."

just sometimes, i wish that things in my mind could all just come into words and explode on him. just sometimes

Rememberance ; la douleur

This was written on Friday I believe, but just let me copy and paste this because I think I never got the chance to put this up.

Am I stupid to expect him to change, and to understand? Am I selfish for asking for simple things like talking to me at night? I see other people, and then I look at myself. I push off all of my sweet time to be with him regardless of anything, and all he can do, the best he can do is pushing SOME of his time and except my appreciation? What appreciation? Let’s be honest, I already lost all of my friends, and don’t even talk to them on the phone anymore, and now this shit? So I push my friends away, it’s something that I am “obligated” to do, and for him to push off gaming night, or even delay it, would literally kill our relationship? Wow, that’s just touchy. Exactly touchy.

Hecking every time I would skip an hangout, or skip and phone conversation. For what reason? Because Danny is finally available, and things like that, yet now a days, guys don’t appreciate, or don’t remember. Well shit.

Humanity in general, tends to remember more of the things they didn’t do, the things they piss you off with, and the things that they disagree with you about more than the things that you did that’s good and such.

In arguments like this, the ones who first remember the rights the opposite do, looses, because obviously, the guilt will come in and hit you in the head.

The funny thing is that, tomorrow is his birthday, and I was actually beginning to write his birthday card when he called, and now with that one call, everything is gone. My idea, my inspiration, everything. Why the hell will he even fight with me on a night like this.

Appreciation

Am I stupid to expect him to change, and to understand? Am I selfish for asking for simple things like talking to me at night? I see other people, and then I look at myself. I push off all of my sweet time to be with him regardless of anything, and all he can do, the best he can do is pushing SOME of his time and except my appreciation? What appreciation? Let’s be honest, I already lost all of my friends, and don’t even talk to them on the phone anymore, and now this shit? So I push my friends away, it’s something that I am “obligated” to do, and for him to push off gaming night, or even delay it, would literally kill our relationship? Wow, that’s just touchy. Exactly touchy.

Hecking every time I would skip an hangout, or skip and phone conversation. For what reason? Because Danny is finally available, and things like that, yet now a days, guys don’t appreciate, or don’t remember. Well shit.

Humanity in general, tends to remember more of the things they didn’t do, the things they piss you off with, and the things that they disagree with you about more than the things that you did that’s good and such.

In arguments like this, the ones who first remember the rights the opposite do, looses, because obviously, the guilt will come in and hit you in the head.

The funny thing is that, tomorrow is his birthday, and I was actually beginning to write his birthday card when he called, and now with that one call, everything is gone. My idea, my inspiration, everything. Why the hell will he even fight with me on a night like this.

Just like a recent conversation I had with my friend, who started complaining about her parent's lecture. I simply yelled at her, more like lectured her about it, because honestly, having a parent dead is something that not everyone experience. And to be honest, you don't appreciate until they are gone.

Well, anyways, here is the conversation we had, and to keep it anonymous, I labeled myself as A and her as B.

B

my family is pissing me off so .. not really good 

 *

9:15pm

A

pissing you off as in?

9:16pm

B

I do stuff that they don't approve of in which the some of the whole student population does the same thing

which is sleep late .. and be on their computer ...

9:16pm

A

like?

well at least they care

9:17pm

B

your parents dont ?

9:17pm

A

nope

9:18pm

B

well at least you have your friends that care about you 

like me 

9:30pm

A

uh right, who doesnt live with me practically my whole life?

sigh

9:35pm

B

Jenny it is not that bad ....

I believe so ... we just have to find our own will power to figure things out

9:37pm

A

it's not that bad

please its not that bad.

just because you dont live under my roof in my shoes doesnt mean its all good

jsut because i look happy and express myself doesn't mean that's always how i feel.

just becase i am smiling doesn't mean i dont have things in my family that's ruining me everyday.

so dont even talk "bad" w me

9:43pm

B

I am sorry I offended you. was just trying to cheer you up

9:43pm

A

sigh.

9:44pm

B

Jenny do you have a person to vent it all out too ?

9:44pm

A

no i feel like yeah people's life is bad and all, but then you just have to complain about it without thinking about the bright side of your family you know. yeah i know your family is messed up and yeah it may cause you a bad day, but ultimately, the reason why their bad at you, the reason why they lecture you is because at this time, they still care, they still can care, they are still willing to care.

9:45pm

A

so regardless of the things they do you know, think of all the things they did that you were grateful for and think of the people in africa that doesn't have those privileged, or even jsut the orphanage.

9:46pm

B

wow Jenny ! I do think about all of this ....

I guess i should not be venting to you ... then ... my bad ...

are you mad at me ?

dont get me wrong I know my family love me ... but venting is the best solution to let go of your anger isn't it or sadness ?

---------------

It's just you know, sometimes when you're hearing others frustrating  and being mad at something you never had gets you angry at times. Not because you're really jealous, just how they have it yet they don't appreciate it the way you would have if you have them. But of course, it's not until we loose them that we actually open our eyes right?

la dauleur