(warning, the style of writing is those quick writes, i write what i come to mind, unless i word things wrong, i don't back space, so you may see me repeat a few things here and there, it just shows how legit this is, coming fresh out of my brain without modification.) #respect
I feel like I will be far more active now in compare to
before because of the break up. Does it make me sound like someone who doesn’t
have a life? I hope not. Haha, its just I used to use up so much of my time in
the relationship that time went by so fast, now that that part of my life is
over, a lot of slots just emptied out. And I really am not used to it, maybe
that is why I have such an urge to get back with my ex, because I want to
quickly refill that hole that was once covered. Like body want to stay hemostasis,
my mentality likes the fact that it is packed with things to do and heart capacity
is used to having a company inside there. And now its empty, its craving for
someone new or something to fill it up. Lucky for my ex, he have so much things
he needs to do that I don’t think he will be needing to worry about filling
that space up.
I hate the way he thinks, the way he believes that it is
okay to just leave the relationship just because he doesn’t have the time for
me. I know sometimes (which is most of the time haha) I am hard to talk to, especially
listening to other people’s opinion. To me, my personality is either my way or
no way, and usually people around me are all really lenient when it comes to
decision making, and most of the time I help them make the decisions because
they either respect me for the advice or they really just don’t care and would
go with anything. I love and hate that about everyone around me, because one, I
get to take in control about practically everything we do, and at the same time
it could sound like other people’s idea, so I am not dictating and people don’t
realize that, and I get what I want in the process. However on the other hand,
it makes people really dependent on my decision making that sometimes it just frustrates
me, because when I am stressed or really truly tired from school, or from just
all the decision making, I still have to end up making the decisions.
Speaking of which, it reminded me that there is a student government
retreat coming up in January. What you guys don’t know is my ex and I share the
same cabinet when in comes to student government. So unlike other
relationships, where I don’t have to see them if it doesn’t work out, this one
I actually have to see until the end of Spring, well unless we both decide to
run again and win by some lucky chance, which I kinda doubt.
It’s been a while since I was gone I might ask well inform
everything all at once so I don’t have to keep going back every single post
when it comes to something I need to talk about from the past. So simply, I
knew my ex (the one who broke up with me a few days (2 btw) before Christmas
(damn Grinch)) long before we actually officially knew each other. I guess we
can call ourselves acquaintances if
anything. We were classmates a year back in Fall 2013, he sat right next to me
ironically, and we did some how exchanged number in the middle of the semester
when I asked him if he wanted to study one day because I kept slacking off and
I thought studying would be nice with a classmate, and in addition, I was going
to be absent, so I thought I could get notes and homework from him. Plus he
sits next to me and stuff so it all makes sense. He would from time to time
pick on me, slam my phone down the desk and tell me to get off of my phone because
I would play my games (Hayday) or watch Netflix (I think at that time was
desperate housewives, but I am not too sure, some drama…wait okay I am sure its
desperate housewives…yeah…yeah that was what it was…ahhh I never get to finish it
though…but I should). But then I would get frustrated, because one, I don’t
even know him and he is slamming my phone to my desk? And two, he isn’t so much
better himself since he was using his phone too. But that was pretty much all
there was to that friendship, nothing more besides classmate.
We never talked again because I mean I texted him one time,
about what our homework was, and yup, no respond, and I was like fine, move on
to the next person. Honestly, I just said screw it. Little did I know that his
screwed up phone never received my message (and that’s why you don’t have Samsung,
because iPhone rules the world, sorry Samsung and Asian world). Anyways, it
wasn’t until a semester later in Spring that we met up again. Well I mean I am
pretty sure I met him else where and we probably passed by once or twice, maybe
exchanged eye contact or something but nothing else. But anyways, I decided to
run for student government because I was in publicity committee for student
government that semester, and it turned out fun, I enjoyed what I was doing and
I thought to myself, hey I can do this for longer term and actually get the
credit for doing it? Sign me up! And a little before that I officially befriended
with two friends that changed my future forever. Those two friends I met aided
me and decided to join me and run for office (of course for different
positions, or else we wouldn’t have been friends, haha just kidding), and soon
we decided to run together as a slate (or so they call the group that runs
together these days). As we soon finalized the decision, we starting grabbing
people who were interested in running, of course trust worthy people. Along the
road there were people who was unqualified for the positions and of course had
to drop, but then for those who stayed for the ride, we became closer. And
surpsingly enough, the guy who I met a semester back that never texted me back?
He was invited in our slate by one of my closest friend. And from there sparked
happened. I mean it wasn’t much of a spark that happened because the funny
thing is the close friend I was talking about is actually gay, and he and I had
the same tiny crush on the third guy we were both friends with, the three musketeers
who first started the slate, I guess we can call ourselves the founding father
and mother of the slate. The third guy (I guess that will be his name for now)
was attractive, well, a pretty boy. And of course when you see a pretty boy,
you would go all awh over him, and that’s what we did. Ironically enough, none
of us got him, (of course) but oppositely I got closer with the guy I met from
a semester ago that was in my class. Yes, within a few month he was my ex (well
not my ex ex, what I meant was he became my boyfriend, or the guy who is now my
ex. Get it? Sorry for the confusion).
The way we got together wasn’t really that that romantic, I
mean we started out giving longer and longer goodbye hugs, and of course, my
heart would race faster and faster each time we hug longer, and soon it became
a thing to hug longer. And I didn’t want anyone in my slate to find out, and I don’t
think he did either (or probably under my influence he didn’t want anyone to
find out) but I would stay extra long, extra late on purpose even though I am
super tired just to be the last one out the house when we work together, or the
last one to leave (since when we work we usually work at his house since my ex’s
house is the closest with a 5 min drive in compare to everyone else’s house).
But trying to get closer to him was hard because I don’t think he ever noticed
or tried to get my signals early.
There were times where I drove him home, and I would wish
for a kiss, lean my face super close to his, sometimes close to his lips,
nothing. It look about half of a month after I met him that we begun those
hugs, and it took a whole month or two from the time we officially became a
little closer that we kissed. It was awkward at times because I don’t know when
to let go, in the beginning I remember those nights where we would hug for
hours. I loved the feeling of him holding me in my arms, it felt extremely nice
to have someone to hold me in their arms and didn’t want to let go. And it was
even nicer to want to hold someone and never want to let them go. Sometimes I
would wish the time would freeze right there and then and just never continue,
because I’d rather die in that moment than another other time. I was happy. Only
if the then me can see what happened now and prevent it all from happening.
I remember feeling started when he skipped a class for me to
try to help me start my retarded car that wouldn’t start all due to stupid
connection problem that even his engineering friends couldn’t help with. We
were literally there for two, three hours, calling campus police, going to our
college’s autoshop class, bringing his friend with his jump cord and nothing
worked that we had to call my mom and with a hit of the wrench it worked. I
remember showing him my vulnerable side that day, he’s probably the only one
who ever saw that side of me then, and I was thankful he was the first one,
because he’s the only one that I want to let, to see that vulnerable side of me
anyways. I really felt so bad that day, him having to skip his class for me and
he barely knew me (and at that time I think my phone died or something, or it
didn’t get signals, and his phone was dying too making reaching my mom way
harder). Ever since then we got closer. I guess if it wasn’t for the car, for
my stupid car, we wouldn’t have gotten together. It’s crazy I never thought
about that until now.
I recall clearly that that day after my mom yelled at me a
little more for being useless, I told her to go home first because I had to
take him to his car which was at the other parking lot, mostly I just wanted to
give him a giant giant hug from being there for me because I really wouldn’t
know what to do then without him that day. Especially ditching his class for
me? Seriously.
Then following that event, I think the next event was when
we had to film our video, and I skipped my babysitting, got yelled by my
sister, got in more trouble and was punished with two extra babysitting dates
in exchange for leaving a few hours to film that stupid video, only to realize
our film person weren’t able to make it. (Yup, that’s right, we never got to
film that video) Which got me really mad, because I sacrificed for nothing and
had to double that babysitting stuff. And I had to get back at 4 o’clock that
day too (not event getting a whole day off), so before we parted after lunch I
think we had? I don’t remember but he and I were by my car because I think he
dropped me off there, and I hugged him and gave him a, then what I considered
as “long-hug” hug ( I would say maybe 4 minute?), which really wasn’t that long
in compare to all the hugs that followed it, but back then that was the longest
hug I’ve had, and plus because I was already running late to return back to
babysit I really couldn’t give him a hug any longer.
But from there on forward, the next time I remember giving
him those long hugs were just days after we work on posters and banners
together. We would get those orange and white banners from the office and with
his markers, we spent hours after hours working. Oh wait, no…we were working on
our personal statements that is required to petition for campaigning, yeah that’s
it. So we would work from afternoon to past night time at his house. From
sitting on the couch properly, to lying on the floor crying over not knowing
what to write and whether the quote that we put into our statement was good
enough because one person had to start the stupid quote thing. I mean yeah we
look all professional dequoating the quote and relating it to our position and
why we’re running but looking back it is just funny how we struggled over them
more than our personal statements. Well, or at least I did.
Anyways, I really wanted to leave at one point because
staying up late and having to drive 30 minutes home really just wasn’t my
forte. It never was and to be honestly honest, I have never done it (the
driving after 12am part….well besides when I used to work at teaspot until
12am, but that’s different) and to do that all just for long hugs from him is
just about the craziest thing I have ever done then. I said bye to everyone,
and as they all drove away one by one, leaving just me and him, he walked me to
my car, which really was only 0.1 block away from his house. Then from there we
would hug for 3, 4 hours, and the craziest thing is I wouldn’t feel cold, I wouldn’t
be tired even though back in the house, while lying down I was tired as heck.
And I remember asking him if he was tired while hugging me, and he said that
surprisingly he wasn’t either. Its funny how things turned out. We didn’t say
much, in fact, we didn’t say anything at all, we just stood there, by my car,
and hugged. I loved it, every single second of it. The hug made me warm, I
guess mostly was because it was a new love, it was exciting, it got my heart
beating. It made me feel something I haven’t felt for a long time, while
driving home, I questioned myself if it was wrong, that whether or not it was
just a fling that would end. Maybe it was just because I wanted a relationship
badly that I felt that way then. I told myself it’s just a phase and it would
fade away, and I shouldn’t be putting much expectation in it. (After that day,
I think we had a couple more times at his house, where we would hug long time
just being there…I think…) I would always want to progress things by trying to
lean towards his face, but he is so slow that he never sees it or he tries to
avoid me. Sometimes I would drive home questioning whether or not he likes me,
I really don’t understand boys. I would have those dialogue with myself, being
like, “does he really like me?” “is this really just a fling?” “what is he
doing? Is he stupid?” “is he trying to avoid my face?” “am I not making it
obvious enough?” “does he not want to kiss me?” “what if he doesn’t like me?” “if
he doesn’t like me, then why will he give me those 4 hour hugs? You’re over
thinking…” sometimes I would just tell myself to stop making logic, and that
the time will come when it comes.
There were a time where I drove him back to his house
because I don’t know where we went or why he needed a ride, but anyways, while
driving back, because my headlight was off I got pulled over by the police, and
I don’t think that was the first time I got pulled over either ( I think it was
the second or third that month, its just really not my month that month, I mean
its not like I got tickets or anything, but just having a cop going after you
scares the crap out of you okay?) but afterwards (thank god she didn’t take a
record and only gave me a warning because I didn’t have my registration), but
we just stayed there, I was scared to my death, my body was shaking for the
terrifiediness of being pulled over so many times, and how close I was to
paying for a ticket for not having my headlights on. And the thing was, we got
pulled over right when we were about to approach his house, where I am dropping
him off (literally like 0.3 blocks away) but we both stayed in the car, I
leaned all the way onto the passenger side of the car, I never admitted it to
him that I recall that night or recall what I was doing, but I really was
approaching for a kiss. I remember leaning super close and falling asleep near
him, wanting him to have some kind of response, yeah kinda lame I know, but I mean
we were already doing long term hugging, why doesn’t he get the signal that I
wanted a kiss? (he later admitted that he was slow ha-ha, well I am slow when
it comes to love too so its really okay, especially since it was kinda his
first time)
But there were another time, I am not sure if it’s the same
time where he asked me if I want to rest a bit in his house or a different
time, but some type of time some day, idk when or why, I know I was tired or
something and he asked me if I wanted to rest in his house. Oh wait wait…I think
it was the day we were making the banners. He and I was the last one remaining
in his house, so we sat there on the couch, I was using him as a pillow ish,
and we just sat there after things were all cleaned up, and I think I complained
about being tired? And I think he offered his room (yes for me to rest, don’t get
the wrong idea from someone who can’t even pick up a when to kiss signal) for
me to rest, and I agreed and asked him to give me a piggy back ride to his
room. And I wrapped my arm around him from the back by the neck for a good
period of time, and we just sat there because he takes forever to move, well
not to blame him, but I think we were just both enjoying being alone at that
time, by then, I know for sure that we both had feeling for each other, because
of the way we acted. That was probably the climax of he climax when it came to
the chase. We both had our hearts racing for each other and with the silence of
the room, we just hugged. He eventually carried me to his room (he sucked at
piggy back rides, and still does, because he can’t hold people by their legs, I
don’t understand why) but I recall there were a lot of laundries being hung,
and with his room behind the laundry room, having me crashing into hangers a
lot was just unpreventable. I was totally fine though. I thought then was the
time where we were gonna kiss, but then we were even further apart that we were
when we were on the couch. And discovering the fact that he had a boner from
all of that and was trying to cover it with his pillow was the cutest thing
ever (because I think I discovered it since we were at the living room). We
just lay there as I rested, of course, we didn’t do anything but resting since
the stupid guy doesn’t get the signal to kiss at all I don’t think there was a
point to explain my face leaning close to his. It’s like pure rejection but
knowing that it wasn’t really an purposeful rejection.
Then it’s the banner time (I think…sorry I have to keep
going back and forth, its been half of a year since all that, well more than
half of a year so its really hard to keep track of what is going on and stuff),
which is quite similar to the time where we typed our personal statement. The only
difference is the last few people who stayed was Leo, Irving me and him. And
when finally everyone left, my car was parked on his driveway. We hugged then
and there, and I guess he finally got the signals then or something I mean he
kissed me. To be honestly, before our lip touched, I was resistant a bit, not
because I don’t want to kiss him, because unless you haven’t read any of the
paragraphs up there, not wanting to kiss is the last thing there is. It’s just
I wasn’t sure if I was truly ready to move on, if I was ready for everything.
If I was ready to start something with him, because before, all those hugs,
yeah it meant something, but isn’t as much in compare to kissing. Because
kissing its like knowing something more serious is going to happen, and usually
it leads to a relationship, and I wasn’t sure if I was ready for it. But of
course I went for it anyways since you guys all know the ending to the story. According to him, he was confused and a lot of
things were going on in his head too. He doesn’t know what he was doing. And
according to his “ex” that he was with for what? A week? They broke up because
he wasn’t a good kisser or according to him it was part of the reason or something
like that. And I could see why, I mean he was practically trying to eat my lips
or bite it off. And I didn’t want to ruin it, but after a while I had to tell
him, things got better from there, and did I mention it escalated quickly? I mean
okay, its not that quickly, but quickly enough. I mean we were there probably
kissing for an whole hour or something, because I remember my mouth muscles
being extremely sore from kissing that passionately, but I didn’t want to stop
it since I waited for so long. My hands ran and explored, of course he followed
my lead, which was a little funny because I don’t think he knew what he was
doing.
But somewhere along the night my hands got into his pants. I
mean at first he was struggling a little, I guess it as his first time, and it
all happened to quick (well I mean a hour of kissing leading to that? Yeah it
isn’t too quick, but for first time I guess it may have moved too fast). I
really don’t remember much else besides that, but I swear that was the furthest
we went, well for that day anyways.
Wow, I just typed 5 page font 11, single spaced about my ex
and how we came to be. This is crazy how much I can write and I don’t even feel
tired. Haha, I should probably print a copy and give it to him to let him read
it so he knows my perspective too, and add his own perspective in there. He
better not grammar check if I do, I swear.
But that was how everything started I guess. At one point,
we talked about it in the car, later on as a month passed from then. I told him
that if we didn’t win the election, I would probably not see him again, or
anyone for that matter. And he gave me a positive pep talk about how if I want
to stay in contact with people all I have to do is to make effort to do so, and
the rest will be easy. But with my past experiences with friends, it is
impossible to stay in contact with the people you wish you could’ve the most. Then
I think a part of me have decided that I didn’t want this if I didn’t win the
election, because back then, we didn’t have a title to ourselves, not boyfriend
or girlfriends, nothing. We were just simple friends who campaign together and
went on to second or third base depending on each person’s definition.
Yes, in the end we did win, the whole slate did, (thank
god), or else I might’ve had to quit college, just kidding but still. I was
happy, I got to stick with my gang and I get to stay with him as well. And so
of course it continued as spring semester ended and summer hit. However, we
were so disclosed about our relationship that no one knows about it. But sometimes
I would question it myself, since I don’t even know myself what kind of
relationship this is. He never asked me to be his girlfriend, we never declared
to be in an actual relationship, and furthermore, he never asked me out onto a
date. Which is the craziest thing, because we were just awkwardly never titled
and with each other. At one point, I really didn’t know if he viewed it as a
friends for benefit thing or a muti-one night stand with the same girl type of
thing. It really did confused me for the longest time, and that’s something I never
had the guts to ask him. I mean what are you even, or how are you even supposed
to ask? How are you even supposed
to start the question in the first place? It’s like you cant.
I just waited and waited, hoping that one day he would get
the hint that we didn’t have title and ask me or talk to me about it.
And I think it wasn’t until finally in the end of the summer
where he brought it up.
Of course that is a story for another time, probably tomorrow
since my arm, hands and fingers really hurts from all that typing and my nephew
wants to watch the hobbit tomorrow too. So its like what what what?
Until tomorrow!
TBC…..
