The Final Break Up, The Change. Everything will be different from now

            This blog, I call it ℓα ∂συℓєυя , meaning "the pain", expresses the pains and struggle of my life. This blog is my outlet to things I can't normally complain to others, the things I have time to write about in life. Sometimes random, other times on things I just can't figure out on my own. This is like the place where I brainstorm, the place where I think and ponder about life and my decisions in life. Often, about my family and recently, it have been all about my love, my relationships as of latest. Sadly, due to my busy-ness, I haven't been writing very much here, instead I write in my personal journal, which also helped me self discover myself.

            The tricky thing about writing online is trying to keep myself away from real life people who actually know me, that's why sometimes I would unconsciously put my name or someone else's name in by accident. Something my journal wouldn't cause the risk if I don't end up letting it land on the wrong hands of course. 

            But anyways, I been living my life as a pessimistic person, thinking that everyone's going to turn out for the worst if they head for the worst, and etc. It wasn't until recently when I began dating this guy that made me realize the positivity of life. Living believe in the negative things for my whole life, changing a perspective seems nearly impossible but he finally made an impact on me. When he broke up with me (my present), that's when he tapped the glass box I was in for the whole 20 years. He tapped the box where I held my belief so dearly that I don't see all the things people have been telling me for the past 20 years.

            I finally started hearing them for the first time. I mean sure, I hear them every time when they repeat themselves, when they lecture me and tell me not to do it, but then I would do it anyways unconsciously because honestly I never reflect on myself. It wasn't until the break up that I began to reflect on my life, on myself, my personality and my attitude. No wonder there are a lot of people who doesn't like me in life, no wonder there are people who aren't willing to talk to me or look at me a certain way. The way I perceive to others, the way I treat others, it's really hard for others to get close. Perhaps that's the reason why although I got elected into student government office with everyone together, I was the furthest from everyone although everyone were strangers. I was unable to get close to others like how everyone can, and I didn't understand why, but I finally do now.  

            I purposely try to stay far away from people because sharing emotions, and just truly expressing myself seems to mainstream. My ex boyfriend before this one complained to me about how I never shared with him what bothered me. When I cry, when I suffer, when something happens in my family, I would cry to him in person, cry to him on the phone, but I wouldn't usually tell him anything, ever. And he told me that one day I'd be able to find someone who I can truly share all my thoughts and feelings with, because obviously I don't care about him enough to even share anything. And perhaps it's true, that even when we broke up, I couldn't share anything with him, sure there's a part of me who wanted to but I couldn't.

            Let's not even start with the ex before that one, I couldn't even talk about what I want or say what I want around him because I liked him so much I was way too shy to say anything or express anything. And of course, I didn't truly accept him for who he was, because he was in remedial classes and was dumber academically, plus telling me he was going to the Navy, I broke it off with him because I didn't see a future with him.

            And now, enough with break other people's heart and feeling, this current one finally took a stand and broke it off with me. Of course he didn't know the person I was a few years back or probably he'd long break off with me, and or even worst, never dated me.

            But I want to make a change in my life, like I promised myself. I am going to be his positive "bundle of joy" (what he used to call me), even if I can't be with him, the next person I am going to be with wouldn't see the bad side of me, or at least with this much flaws. I am going to make a lot of changes in my life to ensure I don't stray from my path again. I would wish everyone would give me prayers this time around because I didn't realize how much I loved him until I finally lost him. He was so amazing to me, and yet I keep breaking his heart and feeling, making him feel uncomfortable when I know he's already feeling insecure. I knew it in my heart that he was insecure, but deep inside I really liked to see him feeling insecure because it's so cute when he gets jealous. I love that about him, him getting jealous, I guess I like guys who gets jealous, but I shouldn't have let that get out of hands. When my first got with me, he often gets jealous, or I would make him jealous, I guess its something many girls, including me like to do , but such a bad hobbit because I know if anyone would do it to me, I would probably hate it.

            But whatever happens, I really don't know yet, all I know is there will be positive changes. In my heart, I really don't want to lose him, but if I truly have to then I will. Not saying I will completely leave his life, because I know I probably won't be able to ever do that, but slowly leave him until I can one day truly let go.

            Letting go is the hardest process of life, especially when you're so used to someone. This is why I hate relationships, it's like you build this amazing friendship and suddenly all the time and effort goes down the drain, when you break up.

            Next week I am traveling off, and he is going to take me to the airport even though he broke up with me. My last chance to get to talk to him or see him again, properly anyways, as a status of an true ex girlfriend anyways. When I leave for this trip, things are either going to work out, or they're not. I wrote it in my letters all the true feelings I have, along with attaching a journal of my day to day starting from the break up that I am planning to give to him.

            Whether or not he changes his mind and wants to start over with me, and give us a new start over chance, or not, its truly up to him. And there's pretty much nothing I can do but to sit down and pray. People say when you pray hard enough for someone you truly want to keep, God will hear your pray. Although I don't believe in God, I want to use everything and anything I got. I like him so much I don't want to lose him. Ever. I am giving it my all to get this relationship back this time, because there won't be another break up again. And I hope he believes in that too, and that he believes in me, and want to give us another chance at it. If not, my friend are right, I am young, there are chances where I may find better suiters, its just whether or not I want them or not.

           Anyways, I won't be able to talk to him until next week at the week of my department I told myself. Because if my feelings conflict and I talk to him this week, I know I wouldn't be able to go with my words of this change I so desperately want. And so I hope my plans don't back fire on me, and that he doesn't get too used to loneliness and wants to stay alone stay single. There's so much things I hope for in my life, but this is something I truly want and I hope I don't go back and look and regret it one day.

           Readers, please pray for me, pray for good things to happen. Pray my boyfriend would understand me and give me another chance to start over.