Paralleled Universe

This may sound very initially stupid but sometimes I am really jealous of my siblings. Their status, their living environment, and so on. It’s like everything is within each other. They got each other right where they want them, friends are all well known through out. I, as a bastard child, doesn’t get much of the benefits. Yes I am young and more spoiled in such a way  compare to the rest of them, but then I rather have each other than to have myself. I would really rather go to arcadia high and meet all these kinds of people who are Taiwanese and social that are bilingual rather than making friends I rarely talk to and doesn’t really go out often. It’s stupid sometimes to admit things like this, but then when I am with them, I feel like things tend to change up, yeah I may seem like I got everything. Caring parents, well in compare to their situation, and just a home I guess. Don’t really have to do chores and such, but then sometimes I wonder, how would life be if I was to be still in Taiwan. I bet life would differ. I would tend to think of the paralleled universe. What if there’s another me, in the same time frame, but she’d be choosing another decision, and whether it’s right or wrong, her life is probably way different from mine. There may be some that is alone, some that’s still with my ex-boyfriend, some partying and having a good time, and just others who are smarter or dumber and perhaps within all those paralleled universe there would be one that have my mom in it. The one where her cancer is cured, or her cancer was discovered earlier and was treated before too late. The one where I’d still be living with her, although I may not have met anyone here, I would’ve been with one of my earliest crush which is now MIA because all I know is his name, and a little bit of his look. Who knew. Sometimes I wish I can go back to the past, and be myself, and choose again and see where I’d end up.  Just sometimes you know.

-damn-

Like I have to fit into his schedule. And having to have him fit into my schedule seem like the most difficult thing ever. When I have family stuff I'd rather get yelled at than to skip because I said I would do something and what? He bails anytime he wants because his parents want him to stay? Wow. What a hecking boyfriend! That back stabber, that one that scars my heart multiple times. Always put me on the hit list of enemy, like wow fuck. Geezus.
So why am I always getting placed last in this whole relationship issues?
He accuse me of being selfish once again, and this time I actually cried silently. No anger, no tears was shed, and all he have to say is, "even if you don't tell me I know that you're still mad because things don't go in your way" what the fuck? The first thing he think of wasn't "aw I know you're sad too," but much rather, yeah you selfish ass, I am the only non selfish ass over here.
Well gee Romeo. I didn't know that I was that bad of a villain. Like shit. I change to what you want and you treat me like crap. Well I hope you regret it for treating me like crap. I don't even know why I back down for you. Shit.

Gain and lose some.

It's like ying and yang. You gain some and then you loose some. It's the process of life. I know we cannot stop it, and I know it's all upon fairness. But when selfish thoughts kick in, things starts to happen.
For say, the amount of friends I make can equal to the amounts of friends he makes. I cannot really judge because I myself made many opposite sex friends but at the same time I get insecure easily. And with his new three close friends it just makes me a little self conscious and a little greedy or perhaps jealous.
I am the type of person that gets all up to someone's ass when they finally belong to me or if I am in control of something. It's just something that runs. Sigh. Life.

Tears and pain from within.

I don't know what is stronger, my will or my love for you. Tear has dried out on the outside, but it is running free on the inside. I realize long time ago that if I was going to date a girl, then I will need to pour all my efforts in. So if I walk away, it will not be in regret. There is a difference between calling you a princess than treating you like one. I try so very hard on meeting your every need, but more than often things came out differently than what we expected and if something went outside of your expectation. You will shower me with you tears and harsh words. I don't know what I more scary to me, breaking up with you or staying to get damaged. Sometime I wonder why I even try so hard when at the end of the day I am nothing more than a puppet to you. You don't need to argue or explain with what I said. I am not seeking for understand or sympathy. I just simply want to share my feeling with you, whether that matters to you or not

Colorless Worlds

      It's really been a while since I have written an blog huh? College life seems to be catching up to my social life, or maybe the other way around, and blogging is just another thing that's on the back of my head. A lot of things happened throughout all these times; even though I didn't post a blog, it doesn't mean my life goes happily ever after. Sadly, it may be the other way around.
      I dont know where the bad day should start, or even how. Maybe we should start from before Knotts'. Knotts was suppose to be a trip that we all planned to go, and sadly, with everyone's complication, it just made it hard. It first started out with Friend A's break up with her "boyfriend" which leaves her boyfriend unable to go. Then after, Friend B had an super early curfew of 6, which thus leaving the fun out of the amusement park, since come on, who wants to leave that early if they were to pay $40 something to go to a place. Friend C then bailed out because she appearntly decided to make plans after everything's planned out. And ultimately Friend D calls in sick at the day of the trip. Ultimately leaving me having to cancel all of the activities that day.
      Prior to that day, my college buddies and I hung around this girls' house till 2 playing monopoly deal. Haha we are such geeks. BBQ at her house celebrating Cesar Chaves' day even though we don't even know who that person is. Suprisingly, my mom was still awake at 2 am and caught me home late, and was mad as ever, I mean what can an Asian family's daughter be doing at 2 am with her college friends? Answers normally can be simple and just be reponded with few words, but how are you suppose to say, mom we play monopoly deals the whole night till we are tired of it and went home. Like who in the world is going to buy that?
      By now, you may be bored or tired of this article already, yet kind of felt obligated to read the rest since you have came so far. Well, I am telling you, its not worth your time...so with that in mind, if you have something better to do at this time, feel free to do so.
      Well as I move on back to the point of my story, I was willing to risk my groundingness to hang with my friends at amusement park than to make excuses and cancel, which appearnatly none of my other friends can do. Jenny then was a bit upset, so we planned a hangout at the mall a little after the morning cancellation, but little do I know our wifi router broke down, leaving me connectionless since everything from home phone to computer is "internet-needed". I dont have a cell phone, parents are not home, how in the world am i suppose to contact anyone like that? Appearantly right after Jenny and I planned, Danny and I got in a fight because I inserted Jenny's hangout as a priority, which was then cancelled, and thus pissing me off more. Leaving me with nothingness, I ended up going home after staying in my car for three hour, roaming in my seat aimlessly.
      I began to view the world differently. I begun to see it a little gray, a little black and white. What happened to all the colors, I would ask myself. What happened to all those times where I held my beliefs.

Gone.
Gone.
All gone.

Maybe that's what long term trust gets you,
fucking no where.