Today's lesson is, no matter how depress it is, no matter how much fight you get into, friends are always there for you. Well, true friends actually. And by far, the only set of true friends I have by far obtain is these two, who are truely true friends of mine. Who when I need them the most, always there for me. And for sure, I am thankful for them. Thank you lord or whoever is above for giving me this chance to be with them, to enjoy moments of smile.
I always question friendship at times because all it seems like is when you need them, they are there, and when you dont need them, their nothing to you. But those two, they are always there, sometimes one is more than another, but truthfully speaking, no matter how much fight you get into with them, you know in the end all you desire is getting back on being friends with them! because that's just exactly how much they mean to you! (:
No pain, no gain. Well too much happiness so no need to blog today! :D until next time!
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Forever gone ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя
Losing past. Choosing to lose past, here I thought I made the right choice, but maybe I am wrong. I mean, was I ever happy? Ever in love with current present? I am not even sure myself. I doubt myself at time, trying to convince myself, this is what I want. Present, current, not past. But of course that was just convincing. I don't understand love anymore, why can't it be simple? But then again, complication is what makes up life now isn't it?
Like what I do every often, I tend to check upon his facebook, knowing that we were no longer friends on facebook, knowing that I wouldn't be able to see his everything, at least I have some little things I can still see. We weren't friends, but then we weren't complete stranger either. Then it was yesterday before I fell asleep that I realize something. Past have blocked me out of his life once again on facebook. I could no longer view his things. Similar things have happened before, its so weird and strange. First it was me blocking him, both of his account, because he kept stalking me, trying to message me nonstop, adding me, etc, then I unblocked him after a time period because he gave up on me, and I of course, wanted him back. Strange isn't it? Psychotic i would prefer. Then of course he added me, later on around april fools when we started talking again. Then when I begin to ignore him after graduation, or maybe a little before? He unfriended me, probably because he knew what I was doing. But then around my birthday, actually on my birthday, he greeted me a happy birthday. And that was it, a day later, I thought of it so much, that I actually replied, breaking my own rules about not talking to him ever. Then a month back or so? Or two weeks ago, when eating at a cafe, meeting him by either fate or coincidence, I avoided him, not because it was embarrsing, but because I still loved him, my heart still pounded for him, still raced for him. I still blushed for him, but of course I didnt express any of those out beside the blushing because there's nothing I could do about it. And I guess eventually sometime around these weeks he blocked me. Why I wonder. Why.
If he is over me, shouldn't he not block me, but instead, pretend I was someone else? If he didn't cared anymore or loved me, why would he block me if I am no threat to him? Because of that I started wondering the whole night. What was he thinking?
Sometimes, just sometimes I wish things were to be back normal. Back in those middle school days where things were easier. When current, present isnt here, and past is still chasing after me. And our connection and bond was so strong that no matter where, we attract each other. I missed that. I missed you past. I really did. And in fact, still kinda do at times. Thinking of losing you wouldnt, and shouldnt be this painful. I was wrong. Way wrong. And I am sorry. It's just too bad that you wouldnt see this ever. Or else, maybe we would have had another chance.
Like what I do every often, I tend to check upon his facebook, knowing that we were no longer friends on facebook, knowing that I wouldn't be able to see his everything, at least I have some little things I can still see. We weren't friends, but then we weren't complete stranger either. Then it was yesterday before I fell asleep that I realize something. Past have blocked me out of his life once again on facebook. I could no longer view his things. Similar things have happened before, its so weird and strange. First it was me blocking him, both of his account, because he kept stalking me, trying to message me nonstop, adding me, etc, then I unblocked him after a time period because he gave up on me, and I of course, wanted him back. Strange isn't it? Psychotic i would prefer. Then of course he added me, later on around april fools when we started talking again. Then when I begin to ignore him after graduation, or maybe a little before? He unfriended me, probably because he knew what I was doing. But then around my birthday, actually on my birthday, he greeted me a happy birthday. And that was it, a day later, I thought of it so much, that I actually replied, breaking my own rules about not talking to him ever. Then a month back or so? Or two weeks ago, when eating at a cafe, meeting him by either fate or coincidence, I avoided him, not because it was embarrsing, but because I still loved him, my heart still pounded for him, still raced for him. I still blushed for him, but of course I didnt express any of those out beside the blushing because there's nothing I could do about it. And I guess eventually sometime around these weeks he blocked me. Why I wonder. Why.
If he is over me, shouldn't he not block me, but instead, pretend I was someone else? If he didn't cared anymore or loved me, why would he block me if I am no threat to him? Because of that I started wondering the whole night. What was he thinking?
Sometimes, just sometimes I wish things were to be back normal. Back in those middle school days where things were easier. When current, present isnt here, and past is still chasing after me. And our connection and bond was so strong that no matter where, we attract each other. I missed that. I missed you past. I really did. And in fact, still kinda do at times. Thinking of losing you wouldnt, and shouldnt be this painful. I was wrong. Way wrong. And I am sorry. It's just too bad that you wouldnt see this ever. Or else, maybe we would have had another chance.
Destined.
I give up the man I want. The man I love. The love of my life. For what? For this romance trouble. I mean do I even love him? I am pretty sure perhaps, but honestly, past was the true soulmate. Someone that i was sure destined to be with. The one that I didn't bring up enough courage to fight for. To stand by. Maybe he was lucky to lose me, I mean after all i probably only bring him and current present pain. Look at me, who would want me? Okay, a couple guys would, but that's not the point. Never was.
I always thought being with past would be the happiest thing in my life until realizing that I cannot gather up courage to be up to his face about things. Being with him makes my heart race each time, and eventually leads to me holding back. Shyness more like it. And that is exactly what caused me to not be able to speak from my heart in the heart to heart talk with present current. It may sound stupid but sometimes I wonder if I was ever meat to be with present current. Or maybe were just like he said, "not destined to be". Well, like the song, time will tell...
I always thought being with past would be the happiest thing in my life until realizing that I cannot gather up courage to be up to his face about things. Being with him makes my heart race each time, and eventually leads to me holding back. Shyness more like it. And that is exactly what caused me to not be able to speak from my heart in the heart to heart talk with present current. It may sound stupid but sometimes I wonder if I was ever meat to be with present current. Or maybe were just like he said, "not destined to be". Well, like the song, time will tell...
Friday, December 28, 2012
Brickwalls.
Behind each and every wall is a story. It may be a story of sadness or a story of happiness. But at this time, all these ever was is the story of sadness. Pure sadness.
I always thought, your soul-mate the person who you are bound to be with will understand you and match you in all sorts of ways, but then maybe I am wrong. After all, present, current, he isn't my soul-mate Then again, we go back to the question, why did I leave my past behind if he was my soul-mate Why did I think that he didn't fit for me? Why do I look down on him and all? The answers may be all buried in within my heart, probably even I will never figure out what's me thinking deep down in there.
Thinking that I was able to stop a fight by tears, the weakness of present, current. I was wrong. Things were getting back on track until he started saying how I embarrass him in front of my friends. I mean come on, what is there to be ashamed of. I responded jokingly like oh you lost your dignity long time ago, and with a serious reply, he tells me that, "It's not dignity, its pride." Same god damn thing. Its something you cared about what other people think of you with. I mean if you were to have so much pride in the first place you wouldn't be worrying now would you? No!
Current is a huge hypocrite, thinking that things should be all these and that, but when actually he doesn't even do it himself at times. He expect me to always be on his side and take it. Always and never talk behind his back or even say bad things about him. Like come on, that's what close friends do, but in this case, I have more than one close friends. Sigh, I really wonder where he stands now. I told him the truth oh you never always stand for me, you don't always stand for me and you expect me to stand for you? Isn't that a bit ridiculous? Then he tells me how offended he was when I call him a fob, and to be honest I think everyone knows this, and in fact none of them minded yet he did. Sometimes I just wanna slap myself to see if this is even actually real? I call him hyper sensitive because to be honest, if you're close with someone and tease them on their weakness, to be honest, you are sensitive, and that's totally fine. But not knowing or not coming to the conclusion of accepting it is unacceptable.
Maybe he will never realize this, maybe he have a lot of things to back up against me. Sometimes I just wish I am good at arguing with people like him and I can speak a piece of my mind without current disagreeing with me.
Until next time.
Monday, December 24, 2012
Wonders and desires
Sometimes I wonder why are things always so unfair when it comes to me. The family I live in, many tends to be jealous. Getting to go everywhere, being able to see far places and experience new things, not having a care of when to get home and all. Why shouldnt they be jealous? But then sometmes its just those uncaring feeling, the feeling of them being unable to understand what you're going through that makes it unutterable.
I sometime wish for a family that take me to places that I want to go. Not even to buy me stuff, but instead letting me buy stuff. I mean, I am not even asking for the basics, and yet this is happening. All I ever wanted, have they ever knew what it was? My favorite food? My favorite thing to do? Of course not. I don't think many parents would care for that. I sometimes wonder how it would be like if my family were actually different. If we were to live somewhere else. And spend our lives as other people. I wonder what will happen then.
I am thankful my parents aren't strict and desire me to study on daily basis and restrain me from the use of electronics But again I am jealous of them for caring for their kids, and buy the food that their kids want to eat. I mean if i were to point a finger at what I want then they would be like, "its too expensive," or "do you really need this?" or even, "maybe when its on sale." but deep down, I already know that day wouldn't come. Yet i expect so much.
Desperate people at desperate need huh? Maybe people, humanity in general seek for things they cant acquire hoping that they would be able to gain some. People's thoughts are strange. And the purpose of living, i still dont know yet. Maybe its some kind of experimental game the upper people have on us. Adding a little here and little there.
6:27 pm edit;
It's on Christmas Eve that I realize, if you don't take credits for the things you have done, soon without realizing it, others will take the credits for you. -_- typical life
I sometime wish for a family that take me to places that I want to go. Not even to buy me stuff, but instead letting me buy stuff. I mean, I am not even asking for the basics, and yet this is happening. All I ever wanted, have they ever knew what it was? My favorite food? My favorite thing to do? Of course not. I don't think many parents would care for that. I sometimes wonder how it would be like if my family were actually different. If we were to live somewhere else. And spend our lives as other people. I wonder what will happen then.
I am thankful my parents aren't strict and desire me to study on daily basis and restrain me from the use of electronics But again I am jealous of them for caring for their kids, and buy the food that their kids want to eat. I mean if i were to point a finger at what I want then they would be like, "its too expensive," or "do you really need this?" or even, "maybe when its on sale." but deep down, I already know that day wouldn't come. Yet i expect so much.
Desperate people at desperate need huh? Maybe people, humanity in general seek for things they cant acquire hoping that they would be able to gain some. People's thoughts are strange. And the purpose of living, i still dont know yet. Maybe its some kind of experimental game the upper people have on us. Adding a little here and little there.
6:27 pm edit;
It's on Christmas Eve that I realize, if you don't take credits for the things you have done, soon without realizing it, others will take the credits for you. -_- typical life
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Losing myself. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя
The pain, here I am again, wanting to have a blade cut through my veins. Maybe that will stop me from leaking the pain slowly. The heart stabbing is slowly killing me. I wonder, why couldn't anyone understand me? Is it because I am not worth the time to be understood? Or what was it?
My current have finally offically hang up and ignored my calls. I guess he is tired of me, but this time what did I do wrong? This time he asked for whether I'll be around on christmas or not, because he can only go with one or the other. Well, very well, but due to the arguement and the sudden call my sister have to dial. He doesnt understand how much her words hurted me mentally. No one knew how fragile my mentality is, but of course they wouldn't, because no one really cared about my mentality. I can be totally mentally unstable and all current wants is me stop crying, and to my family, ha like they fucking cared in the first place.
Why couldn't I spared with a bit more understanding? Why is this world so unfair? Perfect boyfriend? Boyfriend I want? i think by dating current, I am beginning to know what I want for an boyfriend. But the more I realize what I want, the more I realize I wouldnt be able to get it from him.
I want a guy who when a girl cry, doesnt just hug them and pat, but try to hear things out. Doesnt just force tears to stop by threatening or kissing, but by being patient and understanding and talk it through. I want a boyfriend when I get mad or sad over a parental issue, doesnt just go, "What am I suppose to do?" or "Just cope with it, because as of now there's nothing I can do." etc, but instead trying to say positive things and comforts. But then of course, I want more that are simliar to these, but then of course, those are not going to be true now are they?
But then what if they are all right, my family, parents, siblings and boyfriend? What if I am inconsiderate, selfish, one minded, taking everything for granted, and unthankful for everything around me? What if i am just another hypocrite that doesnt understand myself as good as I thought I had manage to understand myself? What if I am mentally illed?
I dont know anymore. Living under this family really sometimes get to me. The pain, the confusion, losing myself in the process. What is happiness?
My current have finally offically hang up and ignored my calls. I guess he is tired of me, but this time what did I do wrong? This time he asked for whether I'll be around on christmas or not, because he can only go with one or the other. Well, very well, but due to the arguement and the sudden call my sister have to dial. He doesnt understand how much her words hurted me mentally. No one knew how fragile my mentality is, but of course they wouldn't, because no one really cared about my mentality. I can be totally mentally unstable and all current wants is me stop crying, and to my family, ha like they fucking cared in the first place.
Why couldn't I spared with a bit more understanding? Why is this world so unfair? Perfect boyfriend? Boyfriend I want? i think by dating current, I am beginning to know what I want for an boyfriend. But the more I realize what I want, the more I realize I wouldnt be able to get it from him.
I want a guy who when a girl cry, doesnt just hug them and pat, but try to hear things out. Doesnt just force tears to stop by threatening or kissing, but by being patient and understanding and talk it through. I want a boyfriend when I get mad or sad over a parental issue, doesnt just go, "What am I suppose to do?" or "Just cope with it, because as of now there's nothing I can do." etc, but instead trying to say positive things and comforts. But then of course, I want more that are simliar to these, but then of course, those are not going to be true now are they?
But then what if they are all right, my family, parents, siblings and boyfriend? What if I am inconsiderate, selfish, one minded, taking everything for granted, and unthankful for everything around me? What if i am just another hypocrite that doesnt understand myself as good as I thought I had manage to understand myself? What if I am mentally illed?
I dont know anymore. Living under this family really sometimes get to me. The pain, the confusion, losing myself in the process. What is happiness?
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Arguments
It hurts, his final words, "you know what? Actually, I don't want to see you tomorrow." Already, lost my position in his heart, and yet, it's just the beginning of winter.
Winter is the coldest month perhaps, cause others to freeze and want to cuddle. But to me, all it's done is nothing but trouble. Current promised me his personal mobile journal as Christmas present, and yet he takes it back when he realize I no longer am trusting him with my privacy. He thinks that if he trust me with his inner most thought about everything why couldn't I trust him with things like my picture? Well, I have nothing to be ashamed of or pictures of all my secretive boyfriend affairs because obviously I have none. I was just simply afraid of him seeking photos of me. Embarrassing thoughts always runs through my head, no matter what, it's always hard for people to look at my things. I just wish he would give me some time rather than doing this and taking his diary back. Now I am stuck once again. Was it wrong to just wanting to hang out with him unconditionally? I didn't say I don't care I just want to hang with him, but what I meant was no matter what we do, I wouldn't mind as long as I am with him. Well, maybe he doesn't get it. But of course, no guys gets women's concepts. Or else life wouldn't make sense now would it?
He finally gave me a decision, if I were to appear at the front of his house with a day plan then he would spend tomorrow with me, or else don't come. And the time limit was 9:20 - 9:30. What to do? What to do?
Winter is the coldest month perhaps, cause others to freeze and want to cuddle. But to me, all it's done is nothing but trouble. Current promised me his personal mobile journal as Christmas present, and yet he takes it back when he realize I no longer am trusting him with my privacy. He thinks that if he trust me with his inner most thought about everything why couldn't I trust him with things like my picture? Well, I have nothing to be ashamed of or pictures of all my secretive boyfriend affairs because obviously I have none. I was just simply afraid of him seeking photos of me. Embarrassing thoughts always runs through my head, no matter what, it's always hard for people to look at my things. I just wish he would give me some time rather than doing this and taking his diary back. Now I am stuck once again. Was it wrong to just wanting to hang out with him unconditionally? I didn't say I don't care I just want to hang with him, but what I meant was no matter what we do, I wouldn't mind as long as I am with him. Well, maybe he doesn't get it. But of course, no guys gets women's concepts. Or else life wouldn't make sense now would it?
He finally gave me a decision, if I were to appear at the front of his house with a day plan then he would spend tomorrow with me, or else don't come. And the time limit was 9:20 - 9:30. What to do? What to do?
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
random thoughts.
Watching Gossip Girl late at night in this windy weather made me realize something...on the 5th season, 24th episode, around the 19th minute of the clip on cokesandpopcorn, it made me realize something. Blair, the girl who love both Dan and Chuck was now on the edge of having to make a last decision. Chuck, the love of her life, is finally tired of this game Blair have put up. Going on and off on him, and Dan, who was Blair's current love is also tired of this, and with Gossip Girl, the one who is pushing Blair onto the edge on the spot, Dan felt insecure because she posted a post from Blair's Diary how no matter what Dan is, Blair questions herself, about whether she will ever come to love Dan like how she loves Chuck.
It all drove off to confusion, another triangle love that is. Watching this, it just reminds me of mine slightly. It reminded me of the love I had, those thoughts I thought of in my head yesterday as well. I chose present over past, because present love is secure, its safe, its calming, its everything a normal relationship should have, but then honestly, do I really crave for that deep down in my heart? I dont know anymore, nor am I sure of my decision. But I love him, I love him dearly, I dont know what to do anymore. I think I am beginning to be saying that a lot, to a point where I wonder, why do I even worry about this anymore? Why do I even care? la dauleur. la dauleur.
It all drove off to confusion, another triangle love that is. Watching this, it just reminds me of mine slightly. It reminded me of the love I had, those thoughts I thought of in my head yesterday as well. I chose present over past, because present love is secure, its safe, its calming, its everything a normal relationship should have, but then honestly, do I really crave for that deep down in my heart? I dont know anymore, nor am I sure of my decision. But I love him, I love him dearly, I dont know what to do anymore. I think I am beginning to be saying that a lot, to a point where I wonder, why do I even worry about this anymore? Why do I even care? la dauleur. la dauleur.
Monday, December 17, 2012
money value & family ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя *
In the faces of jealousy what do I see? An sister who is jealous of the amount of money that was gained from her younger sibling. Honestly, what's her deal? Okay first thing first, sister called in, at this hour, a week or so before christmas, maybe half of a week but anyways, asking me if I wanted to go with her to their in-laws' christmas party. Those rich party filled with people who had billions and billions of dollars saved into their bank account. She asked me if I wanted participate in their secret santa, and the deal was that the minimum purchase of a gift was $50 dollar. Like damn, do those rich people have no where else to spend their money? $50 dollar each? Please, I can go to universal studio with those kind of money. And then she comes and give me a talk about the spirit of giving, and how I don't have the spirit of giving. Well excuse me, my bad, gee, thinking that out of the whole entire family, your sister would know you the best, it turns out that she doesnt even know you as much as you think she does.
In shock of hearing, $50 dollar as minimum purchase, I gasped, not knowing what in the world to do.Okay, I understand those people they play their games, because what? Because their rich, maybe $50 doesnt worth that much to them, but being raised in Monterey Park, $50 to me is kind of over the top. I mean shopping for gifts around $10 bucks around breaks my heart not to mention $20 or $30, but now $50? I guess its alright because what I am getting back is probably more than $50, but the honestly, really? Sometimes it just worries me how these kind of things works. I understand that every year I go to cindy's party, and I recieve her gifts every year and all, and two years ago, it was a necklace, a really pretty one from ingrid's favorite jewlery store, and last year was a $100 dollar gift card to a sporty kind of outfit store, and cindy especially told me that I need to call her about it and she will drive all the way here to take me to shop with her. Sometimes at moment like these, I wish my parents were more giving, in a sense.
I understand that my sister is in a better place now, being married into a rich family, and having a high status compare to everyone else. I know she's more giving and probably have a bigger heart than any or probably everyone. But with that sense in mind, like really? Honestly, how do you live with yourself, think back, okay I dont get allowence like you do sister, back in the days you probably get $40 a week or maybe a month, but in my whole life, I only probably get $20 on a birthday, and that's about it. I sometimes really wonder, did money really change a person? Does the value of money change just because you live in a higher status? I mean really, you guys can totally pick up five roll of the quarters and buy their gifts, and those are just from the laundry machines itself. I dont get that kind of privilege.
Sometimes I laugh at myself, trying to back up my family, try to blend in with them, when truthfully I dont blend in with anyone at all. And to be honest, I kind of dont want to blend in with them anymore. Not this family I am in now. Cindy, she is truely a nice person from heart, and god bless her. Vincent is a lucky husband, and also another nice person, god bless those two. They are like godly couples, beyond anything you can think or imagine.
Throughout the whole conversation I had with my sister, all she said is how selfish I am and how disappointed she is, that I am not using the $2000 dollar I had in my bank for $50 dollar gift. Okay, those are my leg hit fee. Really? She's using that against me? I cannot believe it. Yeah, maybe in her eye, 50/2000 isnt a lot of loss, but then to me, that is a lot of loss. Too much in I sense that I dont want to lose it.
I guess I will just have to cancel the winterbreak with her. I dont know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but then hey. If anything goes wrong, I guess Danny will be the one there for me, like he said, he will always be there for me. And I am forever grateful for him. I love him. I dont know how my world would turn out without him in my life right now. It probably would be quite painful. Oh the pain. Ha, so much for christmas. Well, what did I say about this year anyways? Its okay, its going to end soon anyways, before the wold starts.
I look around, and I find myself where I started....
In shock of hearing, $50 dollar as minimum purchase, I gasped, not knowing what in the world to do.Okay, I understand those people they play their games, because what? Because their rich, maybe $50 doesnt worth that much to them, but being raised in Monterey Park, $50 to me is kind of over the top. I mean shopping for gifts around $10 bucks around breaks my heart not to mention $20 or $30, but now $50? I guess its alright because what I am getting back is probably more than $50, but the honestly, really? Sometimes it just worries me how these kind of things works. I understand that every year I go to cindy's party, and I recieve her gifts every year and all, and two years ago, it was a necklace, a really pretty one from ingrid's favorite jewlery store, and last year was a $100 dollar gift card to a sporty kind of outfit store, and cindy especially told me that I need to call her about it and she will drive all the way here to take me to shop with her. Sometimes at moment like these, I wish my parents were more giving, in a sense.
I understand that my sister is in a better place now, being married into a rich family, and having a high status compare to everyone else. I know she's more giving and probably have a bigger heart than any or probably everyone. But with that sense in mind, like really? Honestly, how do you live with yourself, think back, okay I dont get allowence like you do sister, back in the days you probably get $40 a week or maybe a month, but in my whole life, I only probably get $20 on a birthday, and that's about it. I sometimes really wonder, did money really change a person? Does the value of money change just because you live in a higher status? I mean really, you guys can totally pick up five roll of the quarters and buy their gifts, and those are just from the laundry machines itself. I dont get that kind of privilege.
Sometimes I laugh at myself, trying to back up my family, try to blend in with them, when truthfully I dont blend in with anyone at all. And to be honest, I kind of dont want to blend in with them anymore. Not this family I am in now. Cindy, she is truely a nice person from heart, and god bless her. Vincent is a lucky husband, and also another nice person, god bless those two. They are like godly couples, beyond anything you can think or imagine.
Throughout the whole conversation I had with my sister, all she said is how selfish I am and how disappointed she is, that I am not using the $2000 dollar I had in my bank for $50 dollar gift. Okay, those are my leg hit fee. Really? She's using that against me? I cannot believe it. Yeah, maybe in her eye, 50/2000 isnt a lot of loss, but then to me, that is a lot of loss. Too much in I sense that I dont want to lose it.
I guess I will just have to cancel the winterbreak with her. I dont know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but then hey. If anything goes wrong, I guess Danny will be the one there for me, like he said, he will always be there for me. And I am forever grateful for him. I love him. I dont know how my world would turn out without him in my life right now. It probably would be quite painful. Oh the pain. Ha, so much for christmas. Well, what did I say about this year anyways? Its okay, its going to end soon anyways, before the wold starts.
I look around, and I find myself where I started....
Sunday, December 16, 2012
love complex. ;ℓα ∂συℓєυя
All I ever wanted, was to see you smiling, all I ever wanted was you to be right beside me, all I ever wanted was you and me. Why cant you ever see that? You're so stupid. I always loved you and only you. No matter how many guys I try to have a crush on, when I see you, it's like a auto reset, all back to you again. No matter how hard I try, to forget you, to erase you from my past, it just seem impossible.
I thought I erased you completely, this whole 6 month, being in a relationship with someone who I had a crush on, thinking that that will make whatever we had over. I thought I could do it, I thought that you and I was really over until that day, when I faced you once again. My heart, instantly recognized you from a far. It didnt take long for it to start racing from the top. My mind, already panicking and wanting to run away. I calmly reacting on the outside, acting a bit nervous, because what am I suppose to do? All the symptom of love is showing, something I cannot stop myself from. I am seriously hopelessly in love and denial. Why will I leave you in the first place? More ever, why did I leave you?
I dont know anymore. Is it wrong to be feeling like this for your ex? And more ever, is it wrong to be comparing and missing your ex each time when your current present does something that to you, no boyfriend should do? I guess.
Today when he went off, hanging up and decide to end the whole night's conversation just in 20 minutes, it made me felt uneasy. The insecurity kicked in. All those calls back then, he would never leave me within this short of a time. Even for gaming, I remember the first month, actually the first few month when we use to skype starting from 7, he would invite me into the chat that he had with Rudi when he's playing video game with him. Now, just a simple, hey Rudi fixed his game, I'll text you later. Not even a offer of wanting to stay there with Rudi and him. Well I guess guys have their gaming world, but honestly, I guess its really true that guys will treat you like you are all they got the first few month of the relationship and slowly back down.
As the time progresses, I started to see the progressing of laying back kicking in. From early calls as early as 5, or 7 PM to now a 11:30 PM or 12 AM call. From a I'll walk to your house everyday at 9 and get there at 9:30 AM to a I might get to your house at 11 AM and then maybe fall asleep and end up not waking up until 1 PM, and say a sorry and pretend like nothing's happened.
Relationship is a strange thing. The longer it last, the more greedy you came upon, and the more you would want. Before just a simple holding hand would do, and now, without harrasment it wouldnt do the day? Does all guy wish for this? I started out just wanting a simple love, where no harrasing is involved, and look what I am into now. From a thought of no sex until marriage to a relationship will only last if you have sex with me, and the maximum limit I am giving you is our anniversary date. Like honestly, its not that I am insecure, its just thats my way of thinking. How my mind is set to. No sex unless marriage. No matter what the hormones are telling me, I am gonna stick with my belief, and when you came in and hit me, it really got me confused. What should I do? I dont want to lose you, but nor will I want to lose my virginity this early. Sigh, I dont even know anymore.
What is love? You tell me that you are doing this because you love me, you are doing this, wanting the sex because it will bring us closer. But honestly tell me which guy doesnt crave for sex. I am just a girl with naive thoughts being tainted more and more as the days go on. I am confused now. At times I really want to break up, break it, I cant handle sex, I really cant, but then I really do want to be with him. I do care for him and all. And I do put effort, but going through sex is really just too much for me. I really hoped he would've understood, but then maybe I am wrong, afterall he is still a guy.
Can someone please tell me what to do?I am here, lost once again.
There's a Christmas Party I been planning for a whole two month, wanting it to be perfect, or at least good, but relectant on whether or not I should invite my current. The thoughts battle each other each time behalf of his action, and now I am stuck. A few moments ago when I was still on the phone with him I really wanted to tell him, then when he chose gaming over me, I shrink back into my shell. Maybe I should just wait, and time will tell.
Until next time.
yisa yu 暖心 <- great depressing song if you want something sad and sounds nice ^_^.
I thought I erased you completely, this whole 6 month, being in a relationship with someone who I had a crush on, thinking that that will make whatever we had over. I thought I could do it, I thought that you and I was really over until that day, when I faced you once again. My heart, instantly recognized you from a far. It didnt take long for it to start racing from the top. My mind, already panicking and wanting to run away. I calmly reacting on the outside, acting a bit nervous, because what am I suppose to do? All the symptom of love is showing, something I cannot stop myself from. I am seriously hopelessly in love and denial. Why will I leave you in the first place? More ever, why did I leave you?
I dont know anymore. Is it wrong to be feeling like this for your ex? And more ever, is it wrong to be comparing and missing your ex each time when your current present does something that to you, no boyfriend should do? I guess.
Today when he went off, hanging up and decide to end the whole night's conversation just in 20 minutes, it made me felt uneasy. The insecurity kicked in. All those calls back then, he would never leave me within this short of a time. Even for gaming, I remember the first month, actually the first few month when we use to skype starting from 7, he would invite me into the chat that he had with Rudi when he's playing video game with him. Now, just a simple, hey Rudi fixed his game, I'll text you later. Not even a offer of wanting to stay there with Rudi and him. Well I guess guys have their gaming world, but honestly, I guess its really true that guys will treat you like you are all they got the first few month of the relationship and slowly back down.
As the time progresses, I started to see the progressing of laying back kicking in. From early calls as early as 5, or 7 PM to now a 11:30 PM or 12 AM call. From a I'll walk to your house everyday at 9 and get there at 9:30 AM to a I might get to your house at 11 AM and then maybe fall asleep and end up not waking up until 1 PM, and say a sorry and pretend like nothing's happened.
Relationship is a strange thing. The longer it last, the more greedy you came upon, and the more you would want. Before just a simple holding hand would do, and now, without harrasment it wouldnt do the day? Does all guy wish for this? I started out just wanting a simple love, where no harrasing is involved, and look what I am into now. From a thought of no sex until marriage to a relationship will only last if you have sex with me, and the maximum limit I am giving you is our anniversary date. Like honestly, its not that I am insecure, its just thats my way of thinking. How my mind is set to. No sex unless marriage. No matter what the hormones are telling me, I am gonna stick with my belief, and when you came in and hit me, it really got me confused. What should I do? I dont want to lose you, but nor will I want to lose my virginity this early. Sigh, I dont even know anymore.
What is love? You tell me that you are doing this because you love me, you are doing this, wanting the sex because it will bring us closer. But honestly tell me which guy doesnt crave for sex. I am just a girl with naive thoughts being tainted more and more as the days go on. I am confused now. At times I really want to break up, break it, I cant handle sex, I really cant, but then I really do want to be with him. I do care for him and all. And I do put effort, but going through sex is really just too much for me. I really hoped he would've understood, but then maybe I am wrong, afterall he is still a guy.
Can someone please tell me what to do?I am here, lost once again.
There's a Christmas Party I been planning for a whole two month, wanting it to be perfect, or at least good, but relectant on whether or not I should invite my current. The thoughts battle each other each time behalf of his action, and now I am stuck. A few moments ago when I was still on the phone with him I really wanted to tell him, then when he chose gaming over me, I shrink back into my shell. Maybe I should just wait, and time will tell.
Until next time.
yisa yu 暖心 <- great depressing song if you want something sad and sounds nice ^_^.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
the breakage. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυя
Friends, their the best cure for lost love. When you are lost, when you dont know what to do anymore, the best thing for me is to forget about it, not think about it. Hang out with friends, chill with others, in hopes of that you would forget the ones you cared the most. Because sometimes you realize somethings are just better leaving it forgotten.
This morning, after the passage of 12, the fight carried on, it led itself into our world. Our weak bond quickly shattered. I question myself, am I asking for too much? If he never lead me to expect these things then today, I wouldn't be here thinking of how unfair it is. I wouldn't be comparing the us before and the us now.
Is it wrong to compare? It is wrong to be selfish? In relationship, there's always one side that is imbalanced, but sometimes trying to fix this imbalance causes things to go worst. Already been exactly half of a year since together and yet we fight like little kids, we fight like immature. Why do we fight? Deeply, I think its my fault for all these happenings. Its funny, because no matter how many times he sound like he's blaming me, sounding like its my fault, when i mention itsmy fault he would say its not. But then truely, we both know that isnt the case.
Why is guys so hard to understand? You think women are strange species, what about yourselves men? He asked, am I tired of this relationship? Because he is. He is tired of trying to hard, and getting nothing back, he is tired of caring so much and get no thanks in return. He is tired of arguing with me countless times over things that shouldnt even be argued about. Are we really meant for each other? He questioned this relationship many times, and now maybe i should as well.
He gave me a total of 24 hours to consider this relationship, until I give a answer, he refused to talk to me. Even to wake me up. How stupid, ever since last weekend, ever since the meet with my ex. I am so tired now, I am confused, lost and tired. I want something more than this yet I can't even handle it. Such a stupid girl. He devoted so much of himself to me, yet I am doing this. Am I wrong? He told me to tell him what I expect from this relationship and what I will do to maintain this relationship.
I am so lost. I am in so much pain now, can someone help me? I don't even know what I have been saying this past few hours...what do I do? Can someone please tell me?
How far am I away from happiness?
Alana Lee Hamilton Butterflies
super awesome big fun great ball
shinigami
ajax chat
kinokukun
This morning, after the passage of 12, the fight carried on, it led itself into our world. Our weak bond quickly shattered. I question myself, am I asking for too much? If he never lead me to expect these things then today, I wouldn't be here thinking of how unfair it is. I wouldn't be comparing the us before and the us now.
Is it wrong to compare? It is wrong to be selfish? In relationship, there's always one side that is imbalanced, but sometimes trying to fix this imbalance causes things to go worst. Already been exactly half of a year since together and yet we fight like little kids, we fight like immature. Why do we fight? Deeply, I think its my fault for all these happenings. Its funny, because no matter how many times he sound like he's blaming me, sounding like its my fault, when i mention itsmy fault he would say its not. But then truely, we both know that isnt the case.
Why is guys so hard to understand? You think women are strange species, what about yourselves men? He asked, am I tired of this relationship? Because he is. He is tired of trying to hard, and getting nothing back, he is tired of caring so much and get no thanks in return. He is tired of arguing with me countless times over things that shouldnt even be argued about. Are we really meant for each other? He questioned this relationship many times, and now maybe i should as well.
He gave me a total of 24 hours to consider this relationship, until I give a answer, he refused to talk to me. Even to wake me up. How stupid, ever since last weekend, ever since the meet with my ex. I am so tired now, I am confused, lost and tired. I want something more than this yet I can't even handle it. Such a stupid girl. He devoted so much of himself to me, yet I am doing this. Am I wrong? He told me to tell him what I expect from this relationship and what I will do to maintain this relationship.
I am so lost. I am in so much pain now, can someone help me? I don't even know what I have been saying this past few hours...what do I do? Can someone please tell me?
How far am I away from happiness?
Alana Lee Hamilton Butterflies
super awesome big fun great ball
shinigami
ajax chat
kinokukun
Monday, December 10, 2012
ιт'ѕ coмplιcαтed. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυяα
Looking through your pictures, looking through my comments, looking through those replies that you given. A few simple comment could already bring up a whole stack of memories. Then what am I suppose to do when I see you face to face once again?
You, posting a picture of your self with long hair, because I never seen you in a suit, because I told you to grow out your hair.
Me, commenting on the picture with just one word, "fat." can trigger up a smile upon your face.
You, seeing the short comment, can rise with an smile and reply with things like, "again???? -.- LOL xDD hahahaha slap ur face later LOL xDD". Just with that one sentence, nostalgic feeling of us being together came back to me again.
It is wrong? Should I not have these kind of feelings? Already half way through the day, yet you are still in my mind. Thinking that I was long over you, finally forgetting your existence, oh boy was I wrong. Even though denial towards myself works, but then when reality hits in, nothing can stop it, nothing can stand in the way of it.
Why, why did I break up with you? Why did I ignore you? Why couldn't I face you? Is my love for you too much for me myself to handle? Perhaps that's the reason why. The reason why I can't love you anymore. Maybe its because of how strong my love is for you that's making me pulling myself away from you.
It's stupid, because ever since young, I always thought love is real, love is pure, love is everything you think it is. And just like fairy tales, true love will last forever. Watching drama in my teenage years, I begin to wonder why are people so stupid? Why would they pull themselves away from the ones that loves them truely for the ones that even though loves them but contradict themselves. And why do others who truely love each other run away from each other, and cause misunderstandings? Although in the end things always resolve, it just tends to piss me off, why will they even think of leaving each other? If they love each other, if it was love at first sight or true love, why will the avoid each other. Then it was not until I hit high school that I begin to come to an understanding.
Love is a strange word, it cannot be simply defined. And with just an phrase, "I Love You." Though can fill you up with warmth, or happiness, its mostly a lie. People when they say the phrase, 90% of them probably don't even mean them. Stupid complex love. Why is it so complicated?
I use to think, that love is already enough, love itself can fullfill anything, and can last forever. My head's been sticking to that thoughts stronger everyday, until high school. Junior year hit me.
It was junior year that all the things happened, and it was junior year that my heart was first broken, then back in love, then confused, then turned to complicated. Even now, I am still confused. I dont even know what to do anymore.
Maybe people are right, money can really change things. Economic stands can really change things. Sometimes no matter how much you love someone, you really just simply cant be with them, especially when you're as selfish as me. Everything that happened up to today is my fault, my choice, and if I ruined it, of course, its me that's suppose to be the one to be pointed finger at. <- im not even sure if that makes sense. But sigh, one more final to go, so until next blog of the day.
until then!
chao!
You, posting a picture of your self with long hair, because I never seen you in a suit, because I told you to grow out your hair.
Me, commenting on the picture with just one word, "fat." can trigger up a smile upon your face.
You, seeing the short comment, can rise with an smile and reply with things like, "again???? -.- LOL xDD hahahaha slap ur face later LOL xDD". Just with that one sentence, nostalgic feeling of us being together came back to me again.
It is wrong? Should I not have these kind of feelings? Already half way through the day, yet you are still in my mind. Thinking that I was long over you, finally forgetting your existence, oh boy was I wrong. Even though denial towards myself works, but then when reality hits in, nothing can stop it, nothing can stand in the way of it.
Why, why did I break up with you? Why did I ignore you? Why couldn't I face you? Is my love for you too much for me myself to handle? Perhaps that's the reason why. The reason why I can't love you anymore. Maybe its because of how strong my love is for you that's making me pulling myself away from you.
It's stupid, because ever since young, I always thought love is real, love is pure, love is everything you think it is. And just like fairy tales, true love will last forever. Watching drama in my teenage years, I begin to wonder why are people so stupid? Why would they pull themselves away from the ones that loves them truely for the ones that even though loves them but contradict themselves. And why do others who truely love each other run away from each other, and cause misunderstandings? Although in the end things always resolve, it just tends to piss me off, why will they even think of leaving each other? If they love each other, if it was love at first sight or true love, why will the avoid each other. Then it was not until I hit high school that I begin to come to an understanding.
Love is a strange word, it cannot be simply defined. And with just an phrase, "I Love You." Though can fill you up with warmth, or happiness, its mostly a lie. People when they say the phrase, 90% of them probably don't even mean them. Stupid complex love. Why is it so complicated?
I use to think, that love is already enough, love itself can fullfill anything, and can last forever. My head's been sticking to that thoughts stronger everyday, until high school. Junior year hit me.
It was junior year that all the things happened, and it was junior year that my heart was first broken, then back in love, then confused, then turned to complicated. Even now, I am still confused. I dont even know what to do anymore.
Maybe people are right, money can really change things. Economic stands can really change things. Sometimes no matter how much you love someone, you really just simply cant be with them, especially when you're as selfish as me. Everything that happened up to today is my fault, my choice, and if I ruined it, of course, its me that's suppose to be the one to be pointed finger at. <- im not even sure if that makes sense. But sigh, one more final to go, so until next blog of the day.
until then!
chao!
Friday, December 7, 2012
/*/ ; ℓα ∂συℓєυяα
/*/
/*/
Seeing the presence of him leaving, was it really the right thing to do? Seeing him sitting by the nearest table to entrance, without a second thought in my head, heart beating, face blushing, all the symptom of love, what is there to hide? Why am I hiding? Am I too scared to Dave the reality? Such a bad ex girlfriend I am. When with him, I wouldn't admit anything, especially the fact that I love him. Why did I hold back? Been together for so many months, yet a simple "I love you" is so hard to achieve. No matter how far away, my eyes just want to meet his, my heart just wish he would linger his eyes and wonder it this way. And notice me, and tell me that deep down he still loves me. But can I really have a say in this? When I was the one who dropped him, let him go so easily? When I was the cruel one who ignored him and let him go when he dropped literally everything for me? Am I stupid? Yeah I am. Definitely.
Why am I blushing for him? Why is my heart still racing for him? Is this really true love? Am I really rebelling against true love? Was this the right choice? I really want to question myself, I really want a answer out of this. I really just want a way out. I don't know anymore. Was choosing the path I'm choosing the right choice? Was being with the one I am with now a good choice? Was leaving my ex what I wanted? I always thought true love lasted, always thought that in drama all those things were just some stupid fairy tale? Well that's funny, because it seemed like everything in a drama came true in my life.
God, what do I do next?
Can someone please tell me and help me and guide me a way out of this pain?
Anyone...
I think I am just in denial...but why?
/*/
Seeing the presence of him leaving, was it really the right thing to do? Seeing him sitting by the nearest table to entrance, without a second thought in my head, heart beating, face blushing, all the symptom of love, what is there to hide? Why am I hiding? Am I too scared to Dave the reality? Such a bad ex girlfriend I am. When with him, I wouldn't admit anything, especially the fact that I love him. Why did I hold back? Been together for so many months, yet a simple "I love you" is so hard to achieve. No matter how far away, my eyes just want to meet his, my heart just wish he would linger his eyes and wonder it this way. And notice me, and tell me that deep down he still loves me. But can I really have a say in this? When I was the one who dropped him, let him go so easily? When I was the cruel one who ignored him and let him go when he dropped literally everything for me? Am I stupid? Yeah I am. Definitely.
Why am I blushing for him? Why is my heart still racing for him? Is this really true love? Am I really rebelling against true love? Was this the right choice? I really want to question myself, I really want a answer out of this. I really just want a way out. I don't know anymore. Was choosing the path I'm choosing the right choice? Was being with the one I am with now a good choice? Was leaving my ex what I wanted? I always thought true love lasted, always thought that in drama all those things were just some stupid fairy tale? Well that's funny, because it seemed like everything in a drama came true in my life.
God, what do I do next?
Can someone please tell me and help me and guide me a way out of this pain?
Anyone...
I think I am just in denial...but why?
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
12/05/2012 ; ℓα ∂συℓєυяα
warning, its a none stop quick write for random thoughts. no edits. thanks.
i am in so much pain, why cant anyone see it. a happy call, can quickly turn into a dramatical call in seconds. was i stupid and wrong for thinking that i was finally right for the first time? god, was it wrong to finally overcome your fear in speaking the truth? if you were crushed down in the beginning, what more is there to look for?
why cant he ever see that i was finally trying to stand on my own two feet? why cant he see that i needed his support right there and right then?
maybe its right, people are be meant to hang alone, best survival tip. if care no one, no care for one. okay i just made it up, so whatever. but honestly, what is this trust? what is the component in relationships that makes it last? i sometimes thought maybe i can finally open to one, then to realize i was living in a lie again. the truth is, no matter what happens, you still have people who are unthoughtful, people who will never change, who never hears you out, and who says they will be there for you but just end up not caring about the world.
i'm sorry, for being such an uncaring girlfriend, irresponsible girlfriend, terrible girlfriend. maybe break up is a good suggestion, because you wouldnt have to hear my pain, wouldnt have to bear my package, worry so much about me, because honestly i am the most unresponsible person you will by far ever meet. i dont know.
sometimes i wish i can be like you, being able to say everything out. i am so jealous of the fact that no matter what, you can say anything and everything out. so jealous of the fact that no matter how embarrsing it may sound, you still spit it all out.
to be honest.
i really couldnt care anymore w the story, the main purpose at first of you reading a story is to hear you talk. hear your voice, because in the beginning of our relationship our conversing level is way worst the the ones we have right now. even though now, its not going anywhere either. i do care for you and miss you and worry about you, just because i dont say anything dont mean none of themm didnt happen. i just sometimes wonder, whats wrong with me. why do i have to cry why do i have to exppress of sorrow more than i have to. i am sorry, im sorry for making you hear my cries as i shed tears, i am sorry for everything.
i am in so much pain, why cant anyone see it. a happy call, can quickly turn into a dramatical call in seconds. was i stupid and wrong for thinking that i was finally right for the first time? god, was it wrong to finally overcome your fear in speaking the truth? if you were crushed down in the beginning, what more is there to look for?
why cant he ever see that i was finally trying to stand on my own two feet? why cant he see that i needed his support right there and right then?
maybe its right, people are be meant to hang alone, best survival tip. if care no one, no care for one. okay i just made it up, so whatever. but honestly, what is this trust? what is the component in relationships that makes it last? i sometimes thought maybe i can finally open to one, then to realize i was living in a lie again. the truth is, no matter what happens, you still have people who are unthoughtful, people who will never change, who never hears you out, and who says they will be there for you but just end up not caring about the world.
i'm sorry, for being such an uncaring girlfriend, irresponsible girlfriend, terrible girlfriend. maybe break up is a good suggestion, because you wouldnt have to hear my pain, wouldnt have to bear my package, worry so much about me, because honestly i am the most unresponsible person you will by far ever meet. i dont know.
sometimes i wish i can be like you, being able to say everything out. i am so jealous of the fact that no matter what, you can say anything and everything out. so jealous of the fact that no matter how embarrsing it may sound, you still spit it all out.
to be honest.
i really couldnt care anymore w the story, the main purpose at first of you reading a story is to hear you talk. hear your voice, because in the beginning of our relationship our conversing level is way worst the the ones we have right now. even though now, its not going anywhere either. i do care for you and miss you and worry about you, just because i dont say anything dont mean none of themm didnt happen. i just sometimes wonder, whats wrong with me. why do i have to cry why do i have to exppress of sorrow more than i have to. i am sorry, im sorry for making you hear my cries as i shed tears, i am sorry for everything.
ѕтσяιєѕ ℓєαяηє∂ - נєѕѕιcα. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυяα
La douleur, why do I post this title as a blog name? When you find the root source of this phrase that's when you will realize what it meant. What this whole blog meant.
Today, after class, spending time with my classmate who I have done nothing but chatting during class with. Having dinner, and hanging out in the park made me realize something. Something valuable I learned. Being a leader. My friend, she was a victim, a victim in relationship. Another victim that is. Are guys just that unthoughtful, greedy, and inconsiderate? I think not. But of course, I have never stepped into her shoes, so I shouldn't know this.
She, like many girls, were lied to, and were used. Thought that it was true love, but in the end, just another fool. Another fool too innocent to think of anything else. Stupidity. Love makes people blind, so they say, and I can't agree more. She, back in her home country, Vietnam, was with this popular singer. Thinking that it was love at first sight, doing things from commitment to the basic relationship to house work all over her boyfriend's house. Doing orders coming down from his parents, things that only house cleaning ladies would do. Like a housewife, trapped in a loop of circle, not knowing that she's been used all this time. Everytime when she was over, she would do nothing but work and more house work, nonstop, meanwhile the boy would just make an excuse of "work" and leave the house without a care. Stupid enough like she is, she would believe him and stay in the house to help out. But what she doesn't know at that time was that everytime when he claims to be working, he was actually seeing girls, seeing girls behind her back, cheating on her each time.
All three years of the relationship, she have done nothing but committing, believing in the love they had, having a long distance relationship. To be honest, unless the guy truly loves you deep down in the heart, long distance relationship will never last, ever. I have seen it, I have experience friends who had those stories, I know. And not to mention cheating, i mean if he were to cheat when she's like few steps away from him, then obviously when she's out of the country, he will cheat more. After all, all she is was just a tool, a toy to play with, a thing that he can show off around saying that he once had.
She gave me some inspirational speech today, though still an immigrant, and only been in relationship once, she have told me something I decide to take in as consideration. "Be a leader," she said, "be someone who leads, not follow" "because, in the very end, if you are a follower, you will just be another girl in the guy's life." I find flaws in that statement, but then at the same time i found truth, I found something in that speech that was worth following. If we lean too much and give in too much, in the end, we will just be another item, another object to them.
Sometimes I feel so lucky, I feel so lucky that in all my 18 years, I have never had such terrifying experience with love, with relationship, with guys, or else I may end up like her, losing faith in love and relationship, losing faith in people. I am grateful for all the guys that had happened in my life. Then ones that I let go, and the ones that I hold on, the ones that I questioned, the ones that I regret. Without them, I wouldnt be the me I am now, and without them, I would have became someone else.
Listening to stories are a great way to cheer yourself up, sometimes its those tragic that makes you have those sudden realization about how lucky you are to be here and not in the same position as them. But then sometimes I still question, does he really love me like he said he does?
My boyfriend, he although cares about me a lot, gave in a lot, give a lot of sacrifices I sometimes wonder, truthfully, does he really care that much? Deep inside, is it the loneliness in all these years part of the reason why he loved me? If he cares, why would he pressure me into things I dont want to do. But now, listening to her, listening to the stories, I have decided, as of now, i will not be pressured into the things that I dont want to do.
If I dont want to do something, I won't do it. Not because I dont love them, its because if like they said, they love me either way, whether I do the things they ask or not, then why should I do it? Because I should give in efforts too? Well, I will give in efforts too then, but just not in the ways that he craves for, not when it runs against my belief. Because if he loves me, he then will also respect me.
Today, after class, spending time with my classmate who I have done nothing but chatting during class with. Having dinner, and hanging out in the park made me realize something. Something valuable I learned. Being a leader. My friend, she was a victim, a victim in relationship. Another victim that is. Are guys just that unthoughtful, greedy, and inconsiderate? I think not. But of course, I have never stepped into her shoes, so I shouldn't know this.
She, like many girls, were lied to, and were used. Thought that it was true love, but in the end, just another fool. Another fool too innocent to think of anything else. Stupidity. Love makes people blind, so they say, and I can't agree more. She, back in her home country, Vietnam, was with this popular singer. Thinking that it was love at first sight, doing things from commitment to the basic relationship to house work all over her boyfriend's house. Doing orders coming down from his parents, things that only house cleaning ladies would do. Like a housewife, trapped in a loop of circle, not knowing that she's been used all this time. Everytime when she was over, she would do nothing but work and more house work, nonstop, meanwhile the boy would just make an excuse of "work" and leave the house without a care. Stupid enough like she is, she would believe him and stay in the house to help out. But what she doesn't know at that time was that everytime when he claims to be working, he was actually seeing girls, seeing girls behind her back, cheating on her each time.
All three years of the relationship, she have done nothing but committing, believing in the love they had, having a long distance relationship. To be honest, unless the guy truly loves you deep down in the heart, long distance relationship will never last, ever. I have seen it, I have experience friends who had those stories, I know. And not to mention cheating, i mean if he were to cheat when she's like few steps away from him, then obviously when she's out of the country, he will cheat more. After all, all she is was just a tool, a toy to play with, a thing that he can show off around saying that he once had.
She gave me some inspirational speech today, though still an immigrant, and only been in relationship once, she have told me something I decide to take in as consideration. "Be a leader," she said, "be someone who leads, not follow" "because, in the very end, if you are a follower, you will just be another girl in the guy's life." I find flaws in that statement, but then at the same time i found truth, I found something in that speech that was worth following. If we lean too much and give in too much, in the end, we will just be another item, another object to them.
Sometimes I feel so lucky, I feel so lucky that in all my 18 years, I have never had such terrifying experience with love, with relationship, with guys, or else I may end up like her, losing faith in love and relationship, losing faith in people. I am grateful for all the guys that had happened in my life. Then ones that I let go, and the ones that I hold on, the ones that I questioned, the ones that I regret. Without them, I wouldnt be the me I am now, and without them, I would have became someone else.
Listening to stories are a great way to cheer yourself up, sometimes its those tragic that makes you have those sudden realization about how lucky you are to be here and not in the same position as them. But then sometimes I still question, does he really love me like he said he does?
My boyfriend, he although cares about me a lot, gave in a lot, give a lot of sacrifices I sometimes wonder, truthfully, does he really care that much? Deep inside, is it the loneliness in all these years part of the reason why he loved me? If he cares, why would he pressure me into things I dont want to do. But now, listening to her, listening to the stories, I have decided, as of now, i will not be pressured into the things that I dont want to do.
If I dont want to do something, I won't do it. Not because I dont love them, its because if like they said, they love me either way, whether I do the things they ask or not, then why should I do it? Because I should give in efforts too? Well, I will give in efforts too then, but just not in the ways that he craves for, not when it runs against my belief. Because if he loves me, he then will also respect me.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
coмғorт. ; ℓα ∂συℓєυяα
People are right, relationship is nothing but trouble. Relationship is not just getting physical but on an emotional level too. Each have to give in to each other to satisfy another, yet some people tends to not do that, and leads it to a bigger argument. And sometimes they just tried too hard that they ended up harming themselves. To me, I always wanted a guy who would understand me, understand my needs and my wants, and don't force me into the things I dont want to do. And especially not pressure me. Someone who is there by my side when I need them the most, someone who knows when I need them and when to call me so that I can cry on a shoulder. Someone who are able to hear my cries and respond, comforting me. Being understanding and trying to cheer me up.
Watching drama all my life, I realize the more I watch the more I sometimes wish to be the main character, meeting her prince charming and finally have someone who's Mr.Right, Mr.Perfect. Having someone to be there all the time and understand you to a point where they tolerate your action. Then I realize, men these days are impossible to achieve such concept.
Why him? Why will I choose him? Out of all those guys who chased after me, out of all those guys who cared for me and loved me, i decided to pick someone who would've picked on me for life, and have never liked me. Why? Why did I pick him to crush on? He is judgmental racist, stereotype Instead i picked someone who hates seeing or even hearing the sound of sadness, the sound of tears shedding down. Who gets annoyed, paranoid, and angry over things like thsi. Why couldnt he for once comfort me? It's funny, to other girls i have seen him comforting to them countless times, but to me, he just never does. Is it because i am already his girlfriend, and theres no need for such thing? Sometimes after aguement i would wonder, not why i didnt break up but why am i dating some. one who wouldnt try to cheer me up, try to calm me down"
Why? I just wished for more understanding, is that wrong?
Watching drama all my life, I realize the more I watch the more I sometimes wish to be the main character, meeting her prince charming and finally have someone who's Mr.Right, Mr.Perfect. Having someone to be there all the time and understand you to a point where they tolerate your action. Then I realize, men these days are impossible to achieve such concept.
Why him? Why will I choose him? Out of all those guys who chased after me, out of all those guys who cared for me and loved me, i decided to pick someone who would've picked on me for life, and have never liked me. Why? Why did I pick him to crush on? He is judgmental racist, stereotype Instead i picked someone who hates seeing or even hearing the sound of sadness, the sound of tears shedding down. Who gets annoyed, paranoid, and angry over things like thsi. Why couldnt he for once comfort me? It's funny, to other girls i have seen him comforting to them countless times, but to me, he just never does. Is it because i am already his girlfriend, and theres no need for such thing? Sometimes after aguement i would wonder, not why i didnt break up but why am i dating some. one who wouldnt try to cheer me up, try to calm me down"
Why? I just wished for more understanding, is that wrong?
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