HE SAID SHE SAID

I feel like everytime when I am finally getting closer to my boyfriend, I would always end up finding something that I didn’t know that he did that made me end up feeling uncomfortable again. Honestly, I hate it, and honestly I hate that he’s doing that. Right when I thought we are closer than ever, right when I thought that we finally are honest to each other and faithful, I was scrolling through facebook and one of the picture Mary was tagged in, Alfonso was holding her hand down by the beach, like what the fuck? Excuse me? Why the hell are you holding her hand, when in the picture Yoshi was walking perfectly fine. Shit, if she needs help, Yoshi can help her, you don’t need to be her shiny knight coming to rescue. Am I being too paranoid considering he was going on a 5 day catalina trip with a Christian group, and with people like her, this kind of things should be okay? I don’t know. And I guess it doesn’t help when he’s bestfriend that’s a girl lets call her Minnie tells me that he and the other girl let’s call her Megan are way closer and more intimate than they were. Then Minnie goes on telling me how he gives Megan intimate tight hugs that last ten minutes, I am just here like what the hell. On one hand he seems like a trust worthy guy, and on the other hand I hear his best friend telling me things like this and then go on and tell me not to trust me. This honestly makes me question a lot of things. I went on one 3 day trip with Minnie, who I hated for the longest time, or…well not hate, just dislike a lot, more like jealous over because Minnie and my boyfriend would always be together, and often more than we ever were together.

I don’t know, something about opposite sex friendship just don’t really work out so well. And honestly it just doesn’t help when someone he claims to be close with, someone who he breaks up with me for is telling me that he flirts a lot with other girls and that he gives long hugs. Honestly what the hell am I suppose to do when I hear shit like that? I obviously cannot just ignore it, but honestly I can’t take into account because I haven’t heard his side of the story, but I feel like no matter what he says I can’t really believe him because my boyfriend have the tendency to change stories around, etc.

All these leaves me stuck at the same place. God, I should really just stop going on facebook and checking out their pictures, because honestly no matter what I feel like I always end up finding something that my boyfriend end up not telling me about and me going all anal about it.

I am grateful that I have a blog to release my anger and my jealousy although I kind of doubt anyone would follow up with this blog and read it, after all it’s a dumb blog that doesn’t make sense half of the time. Half of the things I say here doesn’t even make sense because of my inconsistency and stuff. I should just either move on and find a better boyfriend who doesn’t do things like that, or I stay and tries to trust him. Because whatever this is, its not working. Shit. What the hell though, holding a girl’s hand at the beach? You don’t see me holding someone else’s hand at the beach. 

HBD

Today's mother's birthday. Its been so long since shes been gone, that I am slowly losing my touch, slowly losing my memory of her. And honestly it's not okay. Its messed up of me to have forgotten her as a person and only think of her when I need someone to miss, someone to grieve, someone to cry about and someone to miss. She's always the one I turn to when I have no one to turn to and she doesn't deserve this.
She'd want me to move on from this, but as her only daughter I don't think its right for her to go forgotten unless she is emotionally needed.

So here I am writing a post to dedicate to her:

She's not the most perfect mother, like everyone, she's got flaws. In fact a lot of flaws, but honestly I loved my mother. However I never expressed that love enough, I always cried so much and whine so much. She loved me she spoils me, even though we don't have the money for a lot of things, she'd still be able to use what she have to make sure i get the things I need and sometimes want.
We don't go out and eat the fanciest dinner, we don't go out and we don't have the fanciest celebrations, on my birthday we don't do much but we'd still have fun. I dont think there was a time where I thought my life was unfair because of money or because we weren't able to do things.

The truth is, I am a "bastard-child". Or according to Urban Dictionary "A child born to unmarried parents, see Love Child". I guess a better way of saying it according to Urban Dictionary I'm her "love child", or in a sense, "the illegitimate offspring of unmarried parents". It wasn't until a long time later that I knew the truth, it wasn't until my mother passed away that I knew the truth.

Don't get me wrong, even though she kept me in the dark all those years growing up, I never questioned her much regarding it. I recall often asking "Why can't dad stay?", because growing up I recall there were days where we'd all go out together, just mother, dad and I and always at the end of the night, dad would leave and if he stays by my bedside, by the time I wake up, he'd be gone.

I recall hating my mom for that, hating that she wouldn't insist on him staying. Hating that dad have to leave every night. Honestly, I don't remember much of whether or not I questioned her about why dad leaves at the end of the day every time he drops by, but in my memories, I believed that I thought that its normal to have a dad that leaves and comes back now and then.

I didn't have friends or at least much in those year, and end up spending most of my days with my mother. She quitted her job selling tie in the mall once she gave birth to me and lived off of my dad's "support money". And I remember around her death, my aunt [have told me while I was sitting on her lap at the front seat of the cab, heading to the court to get offically adopted and have my name changed offically (ill talk more about this later)] brefly mentioned that my mother was a greedy person who lived off her life off of begging money from my dad and from everyone. People keep thinking that the reason she had me was so that my dad can pay for the child support and all, but hoenstly who can doubt their mother?
Espeically when growing up, I recall scenes where my dad would hand my mom money and she would refuse to take it. How can someone who refuse to take money from time to time be selfish and have a second plan in their head?
I really wish she'd have not died so young, that she'd be able to be here today and answer all my questions. And that's when I realize that I need to go back to Taiwan, and that I need to ask my aunts about my mother and how she was like before it's too late. I need to find out about everything before I can't anymore, before I truly regret it.
It was today while driving in the car that I wondered.
Did anyone remember her birthday? Do people still visit her grave? Does everyone know where she is buried? How was she like? And when did she die? How did she die? When did she die? What time was the death called? I really can't believe even to today I don't know when she died.
The stories I tell people, the essays I write and the things I end up saying are they even true? And where is the cross reference?

Mom, I love you and I am so sorry I never showed it. I really do care.